Limits

Merry Christmas, Happy End of Finals, Happy almost 2011...all that.

Friends with benefits, known for this post as FWB, is not a bad invention when used properly. Like most other fine entities in life, there's an art to it...a way to dodge feelings and emotions and focus on what is most important--getting _________. Fill in the blank however you'd like. I'd personally choose a word that begins with O and rhymes with hoff.

Ok, a bit stoic of me. Oops. But, the issue with FWB or like or lust or anything that is not that ultimate head over heels love is that you reach a point where you have to censor yourself, and more specifically, your heart. You find yourself caring about someone or their well-being and realize that you can't care that much because then it gets serious and blurs the nature of the relationship.

Bottom line: Doable but not easy. However, not everyone deserves your whole heart. Not even your whole self. I hesitated to write that last sentence but it's true...you can't give everyone EVERYTHING you have. Then, you don't have anything left for you.

I'm just rambling tonight. No witty sign off.

Love freely,
tY

Hollywood: Redefining the Hookup

Can best friends be sex friends?

Well, I didn't ask the question. In fact, it's the tagline in Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman's upcoming movie, "No Strings Attached." While I, like any other chick flick moviegoer, got sucked in from the preview, let's be real. We know how the story ends: best friends turned eff buddies turned soulmates.

Let's rewind to my Thanksgiving break when I saw Love and Other Drugs with my sister. Now, the plot in this movie is a little different because Anne Hathaway's character is basically dying (sorry, I didn't know how to put that more eloquently) so there's this big elephant in the room everytime these virtual strangers dance horizontally. Elephant aside, the plot is the same except it's virtual strangers turned eff buddies turned soulmates.

I loved Love and Other Drugs and I have no doubt I'll enjoy No Strings Attached. The random hookup or eff buddies or whatever you like to call it has made a name for itself on the big screen and as someone who may or may not engage in such antics myself, I am proud.

Of course there's a but.

My hope is that women who see these movies know that in real life, the plot goes something like this: friends or strangers turned eff buddies turned...the end. Somewhere on the planet, there is a married couple who were once just sex comrades proving me completely wrong. But, in about a million other places on the planet, there are two college kids having really great sex right now and in a month or two or five, they will still (possibly) just be having really great sex.

So, what's my point? These movies are fantasy for adults (that sounds like a euphemism for pornography. oops.) Anyway, the endings of these movies are the exception to the rule and while there's a .0006% chance that your best (guy) friend will become your sex friend and then your soulmate, don't bet on it. Doesn't mean don't do it. Just means don't bet on it.

Love freely,
tY

Sorry I can't come to the phone right now

I have got to get better with updating this thing.

Currently, in an effort to procrastinate, I've decided to blog about something pretty funny in relationships: the voicemail.

Let's be real. No one checks their voicemail anymore. Usually, after the little number on my Blackberry screen reads "6" or so, I'll go through my voicemail, laughing at messages my friends sent me about a month ago and deleting them. Voicemail is outdated because why say what you can type and send instantly in a text message? Why bother to listen to a voicemail that will probably only say, "Hey, call me," when I'll see your missed call and hey, I'll call you.

Nevertheless, when it comes to that special person or that hookup or whatever, we somehow always find a way to say something after the beep. A few of my favorites:

1) "Heyyy.........I was just thinking of you...........call me"--What does this achieve? Oh, the sound of you hearing your own voice as you speak to thin air? Cause I'm pretty sure that's all you've accomplished.

2) "Yo, pick up your phone." I'll admit I've done this once or twice before. But, what's more obnoxious than calling someone back a nano second after they called you only to catch their voicemail?

3) The sappy I miss you voicemail: I swear these are ONLY for the purpose of you hearing a month later and swooning over your significant other. (ew.)

4) The belligerent voicemail: I almost wrote angry voicemail but that word just didn't do this voicemail justice. Everyone has done this. Typically it occurs after an argument when the only reason you're being directed to voicemail is because the person on the other end is blatantly ignoring your calls. And, you get mad. And, you show that anger by leaving a 2.5 minute long voicemail cursing the person out to the high heavens. Once, an ex let me listen to one of those voicemails I left him. I didn't know I was related to Linda Blair's head-spinning character but apparently in those 2.5 minutes...I was.

I say all of this to say while voicemail has become beyond obsolete, there's something about talking to nothing hoping the person in your life who means something will eventually hear it. There's something cool about archiving your voice because, unlike text, it is often times far more spontaneous and unartful.

So, when in doubt, leave a message after the beep.

Love freely,

tY

Happily Married...Oxymoron?

So marriage is something, even the most cynical nonbelievers such as myself, think about. It's a societal norm, an expectation, a hope, and an entity that quite frankly I have no business blogging about because it's the furthest thing from my mind at this moment. BUT, a friend and I were talking and it got me thinking which, of course, got me blogging.

Is anyone happily married anymore?

Our culture has thrown marriage into reality tv shows and magazines, making it seem like more of a commodity and less of a unique thing that combines love and a lot of work. This is why women my age, my young wonderful age of 21, know what their first song is going to be, who will design their dress, and what color roses they'll have in their bouquet. But, see, we're only obsessed with the wedding. The hard work, sleepless nights, and unexpected fights in public...we can't see far enough ahead for that. But, as always, I digress.

I'll ask again: is anyone happily married anymore?

Personally, I'm of the school of thought that marriage is not natural. One person for the majority of your life defies human nature in my eyes. Now, maybe those are just young-I-am-at-the-point-in-life-where-I-just-want-to-do-me-and-have-fun eyes, but hey, take it for what it's worth. Now, this doesn't mean I don't believe in marriage. It's a beautiful thing. But, I can say the number of effed up unsuccessful marriages/divorces I've seen or heard of far outshines the number of happy marriages.

A friend of mine once told me marriage is a lot of luck. I can't help but agree. I think love is vital to a marriage but people can change so much over the course of their lives that, at some point, you have to believe something just as crazy and out-of-control as love (such as luck) comes along and helps out.

Of course there are people who are happily married. I love those old couples who still hold hands in the grocery store. I mean, I don't walk behind them because they're moving too slowly but I do admire them.

I don't have any solid conclusions about marriage. I'm not supposed to; I'm 21. And, I think even if and when I'm ever married, I still won't know what I'm doing. And, maybe there in lies the beauty of it. Knowing you'll never have all of the answers but not being afraid to ask the questions anyway.

I don't know what that means but it kind of worked.


Love freely,
tY

More than a beso

Happy November, ladies and gentlemen. Hope your Halloween 2k10 was a success.

I don't know if I've blogged about this before...if I have, forgive me.

Often times, when we think of cheating, we think of a physical act--kissing someone else, having sex with someone else, etc. And, in my humble opinion which is the only one that matters on this blog, those things certainly qualify as cheating. But, as my friends and I have recently discussed, there is such a thing as emotional cheating.

So, what's worse...a kiss with a stranger or an emotional connection with a new found friend?

Some people would say cheating is cheating. Others, like myself, would say there are different levels of cheating. A drunken kiss with some person you don't know at a club doesn't hit as high on the scale as building a connection/intense flirtation with a "friend."

The thing is, we don't want to see past cheating as purely physical, especially when we are in relationships. However, hanging out with someone, texting them frequently, laughing, and establishing an emotional bond can be more detrimental to a relationship than just making out with some harlot on the dance floor one night. No, the drunken kiss isn't excusable, but perhaps it is far more forgivable than giving your time and attention to someone else.

Cheating, kids. It's not as simple as it seems.

Hmm...sounds like a tag line for an after school special. :pats self on back:

Love freely,
tY

I Have to Call This Post Los Angeles. I just have to.

Whoa, 12 days since I last blogged? Whaaaat.

I could blog about a lot of things right now. I flew 3,000 miles away from everything that was comfortable to me last weekend, fell in love with beautiful LA (note: that may become my permanent home...at least in my 20s...), and learned that life is just not as serious as I've been making it out to be all these years.

So, I will blog based on a combination of Los Angeles (aka debauchery at its finest) and a quote I saw on Tumblr yesterday:

"Inside all of us there is a wild thing."

This blog is about a pretty serious entity--love. But, on the road to finding our soulmate, there are a lot of stops, bumps, road blocks, and adventures. When I think about my spring break trip to NOLA, half of the stories and memories we made came from stopping at thee sketchiest rest stops and, at times, being afraid for our lives in the midst of gas stations with deer heads, southern drawls, and plaid shirts. No joke.

Eventually, we made it to NOLA. But, the memories we made on the way there and on the way back are some of the ones that stuck with me the most. We could've been 9 strangers sitting in a car only focused on getting to the Big Easy, never talking and only stopping when someone had to pee like a race horse. Instead, we talked, we stopped even when it wasn't really necessary, and we crafted our own story.

The road to love or whatever you want your end result to be is pretty much the same way. You can only focus on getting something serious and ignore any possible detours. But, as someone who once felt the way, I will tell you that's not very fun. To borrow from another quote (so full of quotes today), life is about the people you meet and the memories you create with them. So start creating.

Do dumb things (just remember to wrap it up, kids.). Kiss people whose last names you don't know. Make a complete fool of yourself. Because, this is your life and it's your story to write and I don't want to read anything that has a great last chapter and 30 boring chapters preceding it.

Love freely,
tY

Garments

It's late. I don't feel like doing this homework. Let's blog.

Sometimes, I think people treat other people/dating like clothing. Here are a few reasons why:

• You know that pair of jeans you just can't get rid of? That pair of jeans that has holes all over the place with frayed bottoms yet you continue to wear them because you've had them forever? Everyone has that person who is that pair of jeans. They needed to go a long time ago but something about them is so comfortable and familiar that you can't seem to part ways.
• I bought a skirt a month or so ago even after a friend warned me I was never going to wear it. Some people seem good in theory but you know you're never actually going to hang with them...you just like to have them there in case you want to bring out something new but chances are, you never will.
• Sometimes, I see a dress and think "Adorable, but I can't pull it off." Now, you can look at this analogy one of two ways. Way 1 is if you have the confidence, you can pull off anything and no one will be able to call your bluff. Meaning go up to that hot guy and act like flirting with hot guys is your day job. You do it and you do it well. Or, this analogy could mean know what you want. Similar to my aforementioned skirt, just because something is hot on the rack doesn't mean it's going to translate well for you. There are a lot of hot clothes (or men) but that doesn't mean they are meant for everyone. I agree with both of these analogies, bee tee dubs.
• I bought a cardigan over the summer and just knew it would last me for fall. I wore it one time to work and it got a hole (and um I don't have a sewing kit so...). Sometimes, you just know you've snatched up something good and out of the blue, it flops. Best to pile it up in your dirty laundry and find the next best cardigan. You can try sewing up that hole but it'll never be the same as the original.
• I have had a pile of dry cleaning sitting in a bag since I finished my summer internship. It needs to go to the cleaners but I've gotten so good at getting it out of sight that I often times forget about it...until I pass Zips. Similar to the "cleaning your closet" analogy/cliche, everyone has that pile of dry cleaning, that string of unfinished business that just has to go. Every now and again, sort through it and clean some things up.
• A little black dress or a classic pair of red pumps. These things never go out of style. They will stay in your closet forever and you will make use of them. You want to be a LBD or a pair of red pumps meaning you want your personality to carry you long after the trends have gone away. You want to be timeless.
• Some people are only after trends. They only want the latest thing on the runway and as soon as it's a month old, they are looking for the next trend. Some people spend their entire dating life chasing the next best thing, and even though they have a closet full of clothes that were cool at one time, that closet has no value because they don't put it to use. They only want what's brand new.
• Pair of Louboutins. Every girl wants a pair (myself included even though I try not to care about name brands, but you can't resist those red bottoms.) But, they are expensive and it may take you years to save for them. But, once you get them, there's no going back to DSW. Every girl needs her Louboutin man. You may wait years for him but once you get him, you know you've gotten something special and you aren't going back to the Payless men.

I am now oddly in the mood to do some online window shopping. So much for this homework.

Love freely,

tY

Modern Day Chivalry

Is chivalry dead?

Ok, that isn't what this post is about at all but hopefully it got your attention and you're still reading because it kind of relates to what I'm about to say. That was a long sentence.

Based on some of my observations and personal experiences (aka the things this blog is made of) women too often expect men to initiate interactions. Now, contrary to my theory that the person who initiates is most interested (which I will write about at another time), sometimes I think women need to get off their high horses and initiate things with men.

See, I like being proactive. Waiting around hoping that a guy you like is telepathic and knows how cute you think he looks in that cardigan is completely pointless. Yet, women, unbeknownst to themselves, do this crap day after day and it's silly.

If you like something, you get up and get it. The worst he will do is say no or ignore your advances and hopefully you are smart enough to take the hint before you resemble a babbling idiot.

Now, just a note. When, I say go after what you want, I don't mean go to his apartment and be one of those really cupcakey girls or start taking your garments off. I mean be yourself. Say hello. Start a conversation. I know these things seem impossible for people our age, but I promise you...they work.

Love freely,
tY

Status Schmatus.

We live in 2010. We have videos at our fingertips on YouTube, we can connect with people we knew in elementary school on Facebook, and for pretty much anything under the sun...there's an app for that.

So, it struck me as both surprising and unfortunate when I had a conversation with a friend of mine about how socioeconomic status has caused the demise of some relationships.

Now, this issue may or may not be near and dear to my heart for those who know me well. But, I didn't know it was something that other people my age also dealt with. I thought it was this unique monster--apparently the Boogeyman is under more than one bed.

Picture this pretty simple scenario: Girl and boy meet. Girl and boy fall in love. Girl comes from a family of wealth and prestige...doctors, lawyers, the whole nine. Boy comes from a modest blue-collar family. Girl's parents do not approve of boy because of his background, independent of knowing who boy is.

This crap sounds like it should've died in 1910.

Yet, a century later, it's still rearing its ugly head.

There's a basic principle here: what you come from should not determine who you are who you become. It's the good ol' nature vs. nurture argument, folks. And, more importantly, what you come from shouldn't dictate who you can and can't love.

Now, I am a realist. I understand that marriages do not survive on ooey gooey love alone. But, there are also plenty of million dollar couples who don't last. Marriage is a partnership based on so many different entities, but love is by far the most important one of all. If your family comes from money, awesome. Please enjoy that privilege. And if your family is a bit of a mess, awesome. Use it as more motivation to get ahead. But, when it comes to love, those things really shouldn't matter.

I would say we live in 2010.

But, hey, maybe we still don't.

Love freely,

tY

Movie Night

So, what I write on this blog is often times a compilation of observations and personal experiences. In this case, it is not. Here is a theory brought to you by my good friend (and Free Love's Loveghost) that I thought was screaming to be shared on this social media outlet known as my blog.

Girls are like movies.

Oh, I'm so excited for this one.

Again, girls are like movies.

1) Redbox girls: It's a Friday night and you're bored. You walk down to 7/11 and get a movie from Redbox. You watch it and you return it the next day. You know how Redbox works. A Redbox girl is just that. She's cheap, you take her home for one night only, and you return her to her rightful place the next day. No hassle, little charge, and not ever worth keeping and paying the extra money (or time) for having her any longer than 24 hours.

2) Netflix girls: You know how Netflix works. You can keep a movie as long as you'd like but you have to return it to get a new one. Netflix girls are tricky--you can't decide if they deserve to be kept for longer than a few days but you don't know if it's worth keeping them around when there are so many other alluring options out there.

3) Big screen girls: Ideally, ladies, you want to be in this category. You know when you see a preview and it's one of those movies that you HAVE to go to the theater to see? Like, you can't wait for the DVD or the Internet version--you have to have it and you'll pay as much money as necessary. Big screen girls are the same way--they require time and effort but the experience of being with them is worth it.

So, there you have it. The movie theory. I think this one is pretty timeless.

Grab the popcorn, please.

Love freely,

tY

99%

It's no secret--breaking up is hard to do. So, I kind of developed a theory.

This theory goes against a lot of the independence/female empowerment rah rah love yourself stance that I am such an advocate of. That sentence just ended with a preposition, oops.

Anyway, it's the 99% theory.

Getting over a break up, no matter how it ended, takes a significant amount of time and focused energy. Everyone has ways of doing it--some being more healthy than others--but everyone figures it out, eventually. I guess. I hope? The 99% theory proposes that you can get 99% over someone by yourself, all on your own doing, with your big girl (or boy) pants on. But, the added 1%, the thing that makes you completely know that the last effed up break up was meant to happen, is when the right person, the better person, comes in and makes you realize everything was meant to be.

Again, I think my own theory has some holes in it and I would really like to believe that people can get over something 100% by themselves. And, it's also not fair to put the next person in this silly situation where they're being compared to the last person and are hopefully exceeding the standards that the other person failed. But, hey, it's a theory--it's falsifiable as I learned in my quantitative methods class. :)

Breaking up is hard to do--and how much of it is up to you?

Love freely,
tY

Short Message Service.

Who knew homework could spark a blog post?

I was just reading about the rise of texting so of course, I found a way to relate it to free love. Texting is a monumental force in the way relationships are being run in the 21st century. Instead of writing paragraph after paragraph about it, I just figured I'd create a list. So, here it is:

The Top Ways Texting Rules, Reigns, Runs and Ruins Relationships.

1) The hookup aka the booty call: It's never been easier. All it takes is a simple, "Hey, what are you doing?" and within an hour, it's on like donkey kong. Yes, I went there.
2) The breakup: According to my reading, former Finnish Prime Minister, Matti Vanhanen, made headlines when he dumped his girlfriend via text. You thought breaking up with someone on the phone was bad? Oh, get ready for a revolution.
3) The long distance relationship: I should just say "story of my life" and end the sentence right there, but I'll add a bit more. Texting can be a godsend for LDRs, when it's not always possible to carry long conversations via phone and when you haven't yet upgraded to Skype.
4) The relationship: Convenient, easy, and efficient. Making life easier for men across the globe who don't enjoy 4 hours spent on the phone with their ears getting all hot from the thing.
5) The drunk text: Forget calling your ex and telling him that you miss him so much your heart's going to explode. In that case, you risk vomiting mid sentence and sounding like an idiot. Now, he can just read into your idiocy in 160 characters or less. Vomit avoided.
6) The text argument: A personal favorite of mine. Instead of just calling me and yelling, you decide to WRITE IN REALLY BIG LETTERS AND SEND ME 14 CONSECUTIVE TEXT MESSAGES TRYING TO GET YOUR POINT ACROSS. Good use of my time. Great, in fact.
7) The initial meeting: If you're still initially calling someone after you get their number, please know that the person isn't picking up because they believe you're a creeper. And, well, if you call them instead of text...you kind of are.
8) Misreading words, punctuation, and emoticons: God help if he says "I luv u" instead of "I love you." Certainly, with the former, he couldn't have really meant it! (note my use of an exclamation point.)
9) The make-up: Saying I'm sorry has never been easier...when you don't have to actually say it.

Bottom line? Texting has probably helped relationships just as much as it has killed them. With most of my examples, there's a very simple underlying principle: people. don't. talk. anymore. Yeah, texting makes things a lot easier and less awkward, but only when used as a supplement, not a substitute, to human interaction. Nothing's ever going to replace the art of a great conversation, the warmth of someone curled up next to you, or the adrenaline rush you get when you curse somebody out (or is that just me?)

I hope dis helped u. Gnite.

Love freely,
tY

Why Can't We Be Friends?

I once heard if you are friends with an ex it means you're either not done dating or not done breaking up.

Befriending an ex is one of those things people feel strongly about. You know, like politics or race. Or whether or not a mother should breast feed in public. You get the point.

I don't like to provide opinions that are too broad or ill-informed in these posts, but I will say I kind of agree with the "either not done dating or not done breaking up" comment. See, relationships are hard. Friendships can be even harder. Everyone tries to pull that, "We'll always be friends" card, but how feasible is that really? While many relationships begin as friendships, they transform into something much bigger, and quite frankly, much less manageable. They become these entities that are bigger than ourselves and we don't know how to tame them or transform them once the relationship is over.

Do I think befriending an ex is impossible? No, not by any means. But, I do believe it can become a disaster if you aren't coming from the right place--and that means a place where you're willing to completely bury your old feelings and accept your place as a friend. You know all those special privileges you get as a bf or gf when your significant other always answers your calls no matter what and will listen to you cry till 5am about really dumb things that no one cares about? Yeah, some of those privileges are gonna be gone. And, while I'm making light of it, that's a hard pill to swallow.

If you're considering befriending an ex, tread with caution. I always say--if we break up, we're only breaking up once. We're not breaking up, becoming friends, hitting that gray area, and having to break up all over again. No time for that--I have new episodes of Glee to watch.

Finish dating or finishing breaking up and, if you don't have the patience or energy to befriend the person, move on.

Love freely,
tY

Battle of the Sexes

Shout out to my best friend for inspiring this post with a convo we had earlier.

It's no secret that in some relationships, people get screwed over. However, I always think about women getting screwed over by that jerk of a guy...I guess that's because I'm part of the female club. But, men get messed up just as much as women do. Women can be just as manipulative and conniving, if not more.

So, the question: What's worse--a woman scorned or a man scorned?

Women often times are the ones to reference their past experiences with their friends and are quick to say, "Well that terrible guy I dated did this so your guy is going to do the same." But, is that scorned or just jaded? Men won't draw such silly parallels...but once they've been effed up, they're pretty much at the point of no return.

I'm no psychologist so I don't know WHY this is but I would guess it's because it's much harder for men to let their guards down so once they do, it's going going gone. Women are MUCH more tolerant than men and while no heartbreak or betrayal is easy to bounce back from, women are more likely to put that memory deeper and deeper into the back of their minds until the memory has virtually dissolved. Men may stick that memory in the back but it doesn't go away quite as easily.

So. The simple answer. In my humble opinion, a man scorned is much worse.

This is the part where I write a witty sign off. I got nothing tonight. Don't scorn, don't scar, don't screw with people. Men need love, too.

Love freely,
tY

Better Off

I'm bringing it back to second grade: inequalities. (Wow, I was terrible at those. I don't know why I couldn't understand them...the mouth eats the greater number! Anyway.)

Today, as I perambulated on campus to Annapolis Hall, I realized I had taken this same trip many months before on an errand for one of my bosses. I also remembered that during that trip many months ago, I nearly burst into tears during one of the infamous "e-mail arguments" that plagued my life at the time. I read line after line on my Gmail, trying to balance walking, reading and carrying a stack of papers with blurry tear-stained eyes.

Today, my walk was different. It was sunny, I was rocking to Erykah Badu and I wasn't worried about balancing my Blackberry with some Gmail nonsense.

Now, you may or may not be able to decipher why things are different now. You may or may not already know. And, I may or may not explicitly tell you why. Ok, I may not but I think you get the point.

After a breakup, it's hard to see or feel beyond that initial earth-shattering volcano that your heart just erupted into. It's easy to dwell, only be able to think about the good times, and miss the person beyond what should even be considered acceptable. But, with a little time and distance from the person, you can start to see that all that glittered wasn't gold and, as cliche as it is, everything happens for a reason.

So, what's the inequality?

Sometimes the pain of missing someone < the benefit and beauty of riding solo

Love freely,

tY

Late night thoughts.

Dating is a funny game.

Often times, when we think of relationships, we think of being in deep, that Savage Garden Truly Madly Deeply kind of stuff. And, if you get to that point, that is a really wonderful part of relationships.

But, what about the beginning?

The first conversations, the jitters you get...opening up to someone who knows nothing about your past. It's all a part of a cycle and it's easy to get caught up in heavy details in the beginning. But, in the end, all you can do is be yourself and enjoy the ride.

Every person you cross, if they hang around long enough and prove worthwhile, will be a story in your book.

So, start writing.

Love freely,
tY

Dasani

Today, I watched an episode of the Real World New Orleans and Preston was avoiding calling his new love interest his boyfriend because he wasn't a fan of labels. Got me to thinking. Which got me to blogging.

Most of us don't take calling someone our boyfriend or girlfriend very lightly. It's a title that comes along with a huge commitment and a lot of responsibility and effort. The days of putting that label on someone after a few days or weeks are reserved for the immature "love" of middle school. But, why do we need the label?

I believe there are two theories when it comes to this idea. One theory maintains that until two people explicitly state the label, it does not exist and you are free to do as you please. The other theory maintains that some relationships just fall into relationships and there is an implied understanding between two people.

There are pros and cons to both theories. If we see relationships as a precept before marriage, wouldn't we want them to be explicitly stated? It's not as though "I pronounce you husband and wife" can be implied by some reverend somewhere in the air. But, for some people, labels are scary and they suddenly force them to act differently. They are cumbersome and unnecessary.

If in fact you believe in labels, my hope is that you believe in them for yourself and not for the fact that you want to have "in a relationship" as your Facebook status. And, if in fact you do not believe in them, I hope you know that just because something isn't labeled doesn't mean it can't be unlabeled. Meaning, if you fall into a pretty solid relationship without ever calling the other person your significant other, it's still a breakup if you break up. Make sense, kids?

Some things do deserve to be explicitly stated, especially to make sure both parties are on the same page. But, at the end of the day, a bottle of water is still a bottle of water whether there's a blue Dasani sticker on it or not. The Dasani sticker (or Fiji or Deerpark or whatever you drink) only makes it more recognizable and appealing to others. But, when you ingest it, you know what it is.

Love freely,
tY

Let's Talk About Sex

Alright, listen. I'm going to start talking about sex. This blog is my child. I own it. I rant and rave about it to strangers. I sometimes neglect it (parents shouldn't do that but um they probably do) and I give it all of my attention and love, most of the time. So, I've decided to start talking about sex.

I haven't breached the topic of sex explicitly because it's a pretty sticky subject (ooo, no pun intended) for me, for you, and probably even for Obama. (Sorry, he was in my dream last night...I was babysitting his children...anyway, I digress). And, I like writing about love, this universal intangible thing that's either our best friend or our worst enemy. And, love will always be my first priority on this thing so don't get too excited because you saw the word es ee ex.

But, I got to thinking that sex and love go hand in hand. And, THEN I got to thinking...well, do they?

Welcome to today's blog post, kids.

I think this idea that sex and love go hand in hand varies from person to person, relationship to relationship, men to women, etc. I won't give you my personal take on this at the moment because I don't want to skew this post too much. I've just observed that more and more, my generation (that I love to harp on so much) is trying to become masters of the casual hookup, completely negating the idea that sex is some powerful, earth shattering entity between two people who are crazy in love. I really don't think people my age go out on dates anymore. Goodness gracious.

Whether or not you think sex and love should go hand in hand is your business. I've heard stories on the radio about people who hook up the first night they meet and 3 years later, get married. I believe they are an exception to the rule but you are entitled to your opinion.

I will leave you with this thought. Sex. Love. Whether the two entities are married or not, know which one you're after. If it's the latter, you may have to hold out on the former for a bit. And, well, if it's the former...knock yourself out.

Love freely,
tY

He/She Cheated...Now What?

I must look to the heavens and express a little gratitude. Why? I've never (knock on wood) had a significant other cheat on me (well...at least to my knowledge.) So, my opinion on this issue is a little slanted but hey, isn't that why you read this because I have opinions?

Cutting to the chase: do you take a cheater back?

Now, I'm talking about the person you've been in a relationship so long that you can't even remember what life was like without them. This isn't just someone who you can or want to chuck easily. This is like life and death and sugar and spice and...I have no idea where I was going with that but you get the point.

As already stated, my advice does not come from a point of personal experience but rather a point of logic. And, my answer is, quite simply, no.

I do believe in the power of apologies and forgiveness. Trust me, I do. But, I also believe the level of trust that is breached once a person has cheated is irreconcilable. When a person cheats, the non cheater in the relationship could possibly have leverage over that other person and you can't live in a relationship with one ups. Meanwhile, the cheater spends the rest of the relationship's lifespan trying to prove him or herself and gain back the trust that they so easily tossed out the window.

Conclusion: cheating is a relationship's ultimate death sentence. Get ready to walk to the electric chair, folks.

And, so as not to end on such a morbid note, keep it in your pants unless your bf/gf tugs at your belt.

Love freely,
tY

Post 200!

What better way to celebrate my 200th post than by saying...

The blog is a book, bitch!

Yeah, you heard it right. All of my entries up until Dinnertime Pt 2 are now a book. It's exciting to see my work in print, if only for the shear enjoyment of showing it to my apartment guests.

Here's to the book, the blog, and most importantly, to love.

Love freely,
tY

Persona

We've all been there. You get into a relationship and that person is ooey gooey wonderfulness when they are with you. Then, all of a sudden he gets around his friends and it's like the person you dated and smothered with kisses has vanished. Who is this asshole?

If someone tells you they are the same person all the time with everyone, that person is lying. Call their bluff.

While the core of who we are should remain solid, we do change based on our environment and the people in it. So, what happens when your significant other seems to be a completely different person outside of your relationship bubble?

The relationship bubble is a beautiful warm yummy place. Relationships soften us. They make us vulnerable and they make us change. And, as great as the relationship bubble is, it's also important to see how your significant other functions when they are not just with you because chances are, the person will not always be with you. If you don't like what you see, address it. And, if it doesn't change...step.

Easier for you to make moves than to try and change someone.

So, go to that family BBQ. Go to the best friend's wedding. Get to know your boobear outside of the cuddle sessions in the boudoir.

Love freely,
tY

Dinnertime Pt. 2

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

It's no secret that being attractive helps you out in life. Ever heard of a little thing called the halo effect? Whether we admit it or not, we judge people based on their looks. And, as humans, I don't think we should be faulted for that. We've been conditioned that way. Physical attraction is pretty much the only basis we have for being attracted to someone right away because we always see a person before we hear them speak, laugh, etc.

So, what's the point of all this psychobabble? Well, my problem (and today's blog post) comes in when super attractive people think they can get away with being empty shells just because they are so hot. Unfortunately, your pretty brown eyes (hums mint condition) can't talk, make interesting points, or make someone laugh. Too many people think that being attractive should get them everything they want out of life...as if they shouldn't have to work for anything.

Well, wrong.

God willing, one day you'll be 65 and you won't be nearly as attractive as you are now (unless you're way more fortunate than the rest of us) and you will need something (aka a personality) to get you through. So, consider yourself lucky if you're blessed with good looks because they will help you out in life and that's not a problem. But, get a hobby. Find something interesting to talk about. Because, a personality will get you a lot further than your body and face combined.

Remember: a pretty face will get you to the dinner, but it won't get you through the dinner.

Love freely,
tY

Free Love: Vol. 1

GET. READY.

Numbers Don't Lie.

Alright, it's no secret. I'm black. Let's do this.

Let's start with a statistic: 42% of black women have never been married. Another statistic: 70% of professional black women are single. Check out more at: http://online.worldmag.com/2010/08/04/the-black-marriage-crisis/

This blog is a bit personal for me because, like most women, I want to get married and I'm not blind to these stats. In fact, I've had times in my life when they've consumed me and ruined my optimism.

The irony is that going to school and not being a complete loaf is supposed to help make you catch. Unfortunately, for black women, it seems to just make you a number. And, because of this, black women start to question their standards and substitute what's available for what they truly want.

Nonsense. Absolute nonsense.

Perhaps I'm getting on my angry black woman soap box, but just as I said in my last blog post, you have every right to ask for what you bring to the table. I read a book a few years ago called "Better Single Than Sorry" and I think that epitomizes this situation. Settling for something isn't always better than walking away with nothing.

Don't forget that compromise is important and actually quite pertinent. But, don't confuse compromise with giving in. Empty pockets suck...but pockets that weigh you down are even worse.

Love freely,
tY

Dinnertime Pt 1.

Food inspires me.


As I was talking to a friend today, I said something and didn't realize how true it was until I said it. (Do you ever have moments like that?)

I said, "You shouldn't expect to eat if you didn't bring anything to the table."

Too many times, I hear people run off a laundry list of standards for a potential mate when they themselves do not come close to meeting those qualities. I don't think it's fair or wise to expect your mate to bring in 6 figures when you're work place is the couch. You shouldn't say you want someone who's smart and can hold down a great conversation when the only interesting thing you talk about is the perplexing ending to the Hills finale or whether or not Kourtney should stay with Scott.

Relationships are like potlucks. If you bring something, you have every right to expect something scrumptious in return. But, no one likes the person who just shows up, mouth open, hands empty.

Grab a fork and let's eat.

Love freely,
tY

Theory or Practice?

Today, originally unbeknownst to me at first, a married man hit on me. This prompted the bitch to come back with a blog post.

Anonymous married man is a coworker whom I had a good deal of respect for until this incident. Needless to say, I was shocked when he told me via work IM that he had a wife and a child. It not only made me 1) sad and 2) hesitant to keep talking but 3) made me wonder how authentic is the institution of marriage?

I didn't come to crush the dreams of people who believe in happily ever after. I, too, want to get married. No questions asked. But, when this man told me "marriage is BS unless you're in love" (a clear admittance that he doesn't love his wife) I started losing even more faith in this institution. The number of people whom cheat or get divorced is way higher than the number who stay married and if they stay married, how many of them are happily married????

I think too many people (namely women) stop at the "Here comes the bride" and don't think about marriage as an institution. A complete toss up of your entire world. Something you have to committ yourself to every possible minute if it has any chance of working.

I feel badly for the guy at my job, but at least it's not too late for most of us. Just remember, the wedding is the dream, but marriage is the act.


Love freely,
tY

Enjoying the Moment

Loveghost continues...

Dating these days is tough. I’m surprised people even get together, no lie. There’s just a lot going on: timing, distance (refer to last entry), age, baggage (how many exes are you friends with??), and a whole bunch of other crap. That phase before two people actually become official is just a roller coaster of joy, nervousness, and anger. And if you’re like me, I tend to think more about the future than the present during this phase, well… that was my thinking until a friend of mine told me something that really touched me. She is currently in a situation where she’s “seeing” someone, but their future is iffy because that someone doesn’t want to be in a relationship yet because of yada yada yada reasons. So, naturally I tell her that I feel sorry for her situation, but she surprises me and says that she’s very happy. She’s happy because she really tries to enjoy the moments she has with this person. Sure, she could think about the future and where their relationship is going to be, but that just gives her unnecessary stress. Think about it this way, if there was a genie who granted you the power to see into the future of your relationship, would you do it? There are only two possibilities: either you stay together for the long-run or it ends. And while we like to think as optimistic individuals that most relationships last forever, we know that most relationships, especially at our age, end eventually. So you would tell that genie “no.” Because let’s say it actually lets you know that your relationship will end in 7 months, would you still pursue that person? I think not. So therefore, you have to enjoy those moments in the present. Savor and learn from those experiences, I know I will.

Distance: Introducing the Loveghost

It's been over 2 months since I've blogged but I'm pleased to announce Free Love is back. With a twist.

Before I tell you the twist, I will say that my hiatus was due to many reasons, the main ones being that I was lazy and working my you know what off so I didn't have time to do this. But, on a love note, I will say that I've spent the past year and some change blogging about love and in my own life, I'm now wondering what happens after you've found the love. I've been in limbo, never wanting to fail my single readers but coming from a different place now...

So, I have someone here to solve my problems while I decide where I'm going to go with my entries...

Name: Loveghost.

Loveghost is an actual person who is sending me entries via email for me to post. Are you creeped out? Don't be. Loveghost is a credible source, someone who has helped me out with many rough love patches.

So, here's Loveghost's very first entry...

Distance.

We all know couples who have broken up because of it. But are the reasons ever justified? We’ve heard it all: communication is going to be difficult, less physical intimacy, more prone to cheating, etc. Well I say that we need to get over that BS. The bottom line is that people are lazy. They do not want to put in that extra work in a long distance relationship, so either one or both of them quit.

But here’s my thing, convenience in a relationship is a privilege, not a right. Distance will inevitably be part of most relationships. People are always in a transitional state; whether it is high school to college, college to grad school/full-time work, or work to another work location. So if couples are too lazy to deal with distance, then they should probably never date. Because when you go out with someone, you never know where both of you will end up in the future.

You should never let distance stop you from something that could be amazing. Sometimes you have to think of the big picture. You may be long distance for many years, but that’s small compared to the number of years you will have with your partner once you get back together. Distance should be looked at as something that strengthens a relationship instead of something that weakens one.

Bottom line, sacrifice is a big part of any relationship. Don’t get lazy. Take that chance with your partner if it goes long distance. And remember, there’s a reason God invented cars, planes, and video-chatting.

- Love Ghost

An Unbalanced Equation

It always makes me chuckle a bit.

Women who bring a laundry list of requirements for a potential mate yet bring nothing to the table themselves.

What a non-sequitur.

Ok, check it. I don't need to write a saga for this post. It's pretty simple. You will get out of life what you put in. If you treat people like garbage, you deserve to be treated like garbage. If you lie, cheat, and steal your way through relationships, don't be surprised when someone else does the same to you. How ludicrous to bring all of these standards that are high as fuck to the table, yet the only thing you bring is dirt. Until you're ready to be serious, like really be serious and not just be serious (or be married or be committed or whatever) just for kicks and just because it looks pretty, stop bullshitting life. Please.

I may be a bitch. But karma is a bigger one.

Love,
tY

You Are What You Attract

There's a common expression: "You are what you eat."

While cruising up to beautiful Connecticut this past weekend and listening to the radio, I heard an expression that may be even more useful: "You are what you attract."

Men get a lot of shit for being pretty god awful human beings. Women, too, get some shit for being golddiggers among other things. But, I'm going to propose a new theory. Maybe the problem isn't the man or the woman. Maybe the problem...is you.

Alright, listen. Some people are just inherently bad people. Some people can't be cured and well, guess it's just a rainy life for them. And, sometimes, no matter how good we are, we will deal with our fair share of parasites. But, we can't always put the blame on other people, their lack of life skills, and their inevitable douchebag traits. Sometimes, we have to take a look at ourselves and wonder why these imbeciles keep flocking to us.

I like to think life is a stage. Everything that creates an overt image of you (ie what you say, do, and wear in the public sphere) elicits a certain audience. A retired Shakespearean scholar isn't going to sit down at a Lady Gaga concert (well, Gaga is pretty universal, maybe I'm wrong...but you get the point) Why? Because Gaga's performances, clothes, etc attract a certain group of fans.

How you present yourself, both on the exterior and on the interior, says a lot about the company you keep and the company you want to keep. It isn't even just about clothes or appearances. If you give off that vibe that you are giving life a big middle finger and you could care less about good things in life (define good as you will, I won't invoke my standards here), then why would you ever attract someone who actually cares about life and people? That would be a non sequitur, folks.

Like I said, some people just suck at life. But, those people won't matter if we don't suck at life and choose to only surround ourselves with awesomeness.

Love freely,
tY

Sex and the...doesn't work that way.

As Sex and the City 2 is set to be released next month, a long overdue blog post is finally being written. You will call me a hypocrite after this post. And, well, I am perfectly OK with that. Because, although I have spent many late nights watching syndicated episodes on TNT and although I will buy advanced tickets for the sequel, I think Sex and the City gives a painfully twisted perception of relationships, men, and dating.

Perhaps I should merely list the reasons for this particular thesis. (Yes. I said thesis. Take it.)

1. Samantha Jones is a fictional character. If she sleeps with 20+ men, it is fiction. If you sleep with 20+ men, you are a harlot. No, no. Don't give me the female liberation "women are equal to men, sex is liberating" card. Men who sleep with 20+ people are also whores.


2. You can't be a NYC lawyer and have that much time for sex and dating. Sorry, Miranda.


3. If you return to the man who played you several times, you aren't finding that "big" love. You're a bit stupid, no?


4. Maybe Charlotte is the most realistic character on the show with her idealistic expectations.

I think Sex and the City is great in theory, not in practice. I do believe more women should forego the idea that men can have a lot of sex and women can't. However, I'm not sure this means drop your skivvies on every date and miraculously, he'll still call back and maybe even fall in love with you.

So, my advice is to go get those tickets for May 28. And, enjoy SATC for exactly what it is--fiction. It's just like when you saw the Lion King when you were a kid and shrieked when Mufasa died. It's not real life. Sorry, kid.

Love freely,

tY

Thumbs Up

http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/personal/04/12/everyone.happy.my.relationship/index.html

"I could look at it one of two ways. I am a loving person and friends were happy that I had finally found someone to really love me back. Or, whether people admitted it or not, they felt relieved that I was no longer alone, as if everything were going to be OK now, because, for as far as we've come, there's still the underlying belief that a woman needs a man to be complete.
I am certainly happy to have a boyfriend I love and who loves me back, but honestly, I would have preferred if friends and family had celebrated my Facebook single status with the same gusto. Learning to love being alone is hard, and, in my opinion, is worth way more "likes" than an added "heart" next to your name. "

I agree with this article in the sense that sometimes we are fooled into believing love is a panacea for all that is wrong with our lives. Sorry, girls. Love won't get you a better GPA, it won't make your parents stop fighting and it won't make you feel any better about yourself if your self esteem is at zero. Stop looking to men to solve the problems that you're too lazy to fix yourself.

Tyece Wilkins likes this.

Love freely,
tY

Thought Process

I need to use this thing more.

I guess it's just that love has gone from a hobby and interest to a... personal investment if you will and I'm relucant to plaster my feelings all over the net.

That being said, let's begin, kids.

I'm not sure why this blog has made people think I'm the love guru. I'm certainly not yet this hasn't stopped friends from asking me about their love lives in which I'm a quiet observer at best. Thanks, people. I'm really not that cool but I appreciate your confidence in my Hitch like abilities.

In talking to my friends and thinking about my own life, I realized a pretty overarching statement: women think too much.

Do I call him? Should I wait for him to call? Do I care too much? Is he bored? Why did that girl talk to him? Why didn't he say I love you that time? It's a stream of unnecessary verbal vomit. Meanwhile, men sit pretty. They are either in it or they are not in it and they have no qualms or doubts about it.

I admire this about men and it's a characteristic I want to embody, as I feel all women should. Thinking too much is like reading the movie review. In some cases, it helps you know what to expect. But, most times, it just screws with your expectations and makes for a less enjoyable experience.

Be in something 100%. Give it your all or don't do it. And once you decide to do it, don't think about it.

Just go to the damn show.

Love freely,
tY

You Better Work

Successful marriages with golden anniversaries. How do people do them? At age 20, this seems far-fetched at best and impossible at worst. Maybe it's because young minds (and sometimes hearts) move a mile a minute. Human beings become disillusioned. They become lazy. They become tired. And, they give up.

The ironic thing about love is that it comes naturally. We don't control it as much as we may try or as much as we think we do. But, once it comes, once it blesses us with its presence, it's up to us to keep it. Some of love stays naturally and some of it requires work. But, hard work pays off.

Love freely,
tY

Goin to the chapel...

Where have I been?????

New goal: POST!

I recently met a woman who got married at age 21 and 11 years later, she's still married. To say I was surprised was an understaement.

I have to admit I used to be against getting married young and I also have to admit that was only because of the societal stigmas surrounding young marriages--they are inexperienced, they rushed love, etc. But, after meeting this super duper woman whose marriage has survived far longer than people who know each other for decades, I changed my mind a bit.

Getting married young has to have its challenges...but doesn't marriage in general have its challenges? I can easily say I don't see myself marrying young as I am 20 years old with zero prospects. Nonetheless, I've stripped myself of that negative sentiment that marrying young is dumb or ill-fated. Love, lifelong love, comes to everyone at different times. Accept and respect.

Love freely,
tY

Unnatural

We like to believe that love comes naturally. We like to believe that when we see couples holding hands or kissing, it's effortless and their love is instinctual.

But, love doesn't always come naturally. And, love certainly isn't always easy. Maybe attraction is natural. But, love requires attention. It requires care. It requires therapy. Sometimes, we have to work at love because without that work, it dies. Sometimes, it's a homicide killed by the insensitivity of another who walks on the scene and seduces our significant other. Sometimes, it's a patricide, as love has been our king and we have worshipped it, only to have it fall from grace tragically. Sometimes, it is a suicide and we kill it through selfish actions. And, sometimes, most times, without work, it simply withers away.


Love freely,
tY

Friend card

Have you ever told someone, "I don't like you in that way but we can be great friends?"

If so, give yourself a pow pow. You know, a smack in the face. A hit. For me.

We've all done it. For whatever reason, we have all told someone who was feeling us in that warm and fuzzy lovey sort of way that we weren't feeling them in the same way but we still thought they could be a great friend to us. And, most likely, we have all been told that same thing.

Telling someone who likes you that you would love to be their friend is like spitting on them and then saying "Oh, sorry! Let me wipe that off for you." You still spit on them. You're just trying to fix it as best as possible.

It isn't that a friendship is impossible or out of reach. But, at that moment, that person who likes you doesn't want to be handed the friend card. Chances are they will chuck it before you can even get your next sentence out.

Solution? Be easy about letting them down and then later (whether thats a day, a month, or a year later), mention the friend thing. "You know, I'd really like it if we could remain friends." Comes off as more genuine that way as opposed to just crushing them and trying to fix it right then and there.

Love freely,
tY

Validate

The poem is called Validate. The message is pretty obvious. Enjoy.

Love freely,
tY

Why are you looking for validation?
Recognition of your own beauty hidden in fleeting temptations
See, he will only bring you temporary elation
Chills down your spine as you’ve never experienced these sensations
So why are you looking for validation?
Asking him to tell you you’re beautiful is an abomination
Because he can only see he doesn’t know your limitless limitations
So his admiration is a dead end destination
Yet you are looking for validation
Letting him break you of your highest concentration
Letting him take you to a dead end destination
See perhaps this is just my estimation
but doesn’t it seem like a possible explanation?
If you looked inside you would know without hesitation
That your beauty and your worth don’t require an invitation
Yet you are looking for validation
As if this is some sort of obligation
You are an unstoppable woman of education
A woman with dreams and aspirations
A woman driven by her fears as much as her motivation
And a woman who will be rare in this population
if you hold your head up high without reservations
God thought of you
He thought to create
So why are you looking at man
And asking him to validate?

Normal Rules Don't Apply

I just finished reading the transcript of Tiger Woods' apology.

Wow.

This is what struck me most about it:
I knew my actions were wrong. But I convinced myself that normal rules didn't apply. I never thought about who I was hurting. Instead, I thought only about myself. I ran straight through the boundaries that a married couple should live by. I thought I could get away with whatever I wanted to. I felt that I had worked hard my entire life and deserved to enjoy all the temptations around me. I felt I was entitled. Thanks to money and fame, I didn't have far -- didn't have to go far to find them.

Most of us like to think we are exceptional. We like to think that when everyone else gets a B on an exam, we are the 100% outlier. We like to think that we are the perfect candidate for a job where 1000 people applied. We like to think that even though that guy cheated on his past four girlfriends, we will change him and he won't cheat on us.
We like to think we are exceptional.
But, we are not.
Celebrities or working class citizens, lawyers or housewives...we are all trying to find our way and make a way. Perhaps our resources are different. Perhaps our education varies. But, at the end of the day, don't we all just want love? A place to call home? A family?

This seemed to be the most honest part of the apology and I say kudos to Tiger for that.

Whatever spectacle the media makes of this is their business. Woods destroyed the one thing that we all need: family. And, when the media finds a new story, when he is back on the field post affair (s) ala Kobe Bryant, he will still have to live with this.

Family and love, people. It's all we have. Maybe your family is your roommates. Maybe the love in your life isn't the love of your life. But, if you have it, don't mistreat it. Don't take it for granted. Don't abuse it. Because it's all we have.

Love freely,
tY

Happy Birthday, Free Love

As I was walking from class today, I realize it's been a year since I began this blog. Wow, I'm getting old.

I remember just sitting at work very early one morning last year and deciding to start a blog about love, life, and the implications surrounding them. It's hard to believe that was a year ago.

So HAPPY BIRTHDAY, FREE LOVE!

Over the past year, I've written a lot and have been grateful to have this blog as an outlet for my zany observations and more serious and sober thoughts. While I recently conformed and got a tumblr (ugh, such a sell out, I know), I realize this is my true passion because in a lot of ways, love is my true passion. Observing it, finding it, and keeping it, whether it's romantic, platonic, sisterly, friendly, whatever.

I have fallen off recently because that's what happens when you decide to live a life that does not permit you much free time but with free love's birthday, it's time to pick back up.

If you're reading this and if you've been a loyal reader for the past year, thank you. Means a lot when people pretend that what I say is even somewhat worth listening to.

A lot has changed in my life over the past year, love-wise, too, I guess. I made a lot of snippy and sarcastic comments in these posts because I was a self-proclaimed hardass and everyone who knew me well saw right through it. I've softened a bit now. But, don't worry. I still have that bee eye tee see ech in me. Gotta stay somewhat hard around the edges.

Anyway, happy birthday again, free love. Mama loves you.

Gonna keep writing and gonna keep loving.

Love freely,
tY

Love Day

Some people hate this day. Some people love this day. Some people only like this day when they have someone.

I don't think today is an excuse to be bitter and I also don't think it's a day to parade around with flowers and chocolate. If you have any sort of love in your life, you are a lot more lucky than some people. So, sit back and relax.

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone.

Love freely,
tY

Choices

Sometimes, in life and love, we have to make choices. Sometimes, people expect us to make choices. Other times, we are forced to make choices. Sometimes, we stand still and refuse to make choices. Sometimes, we make these choices with a clear head and heart and other times, we are blind.
But, isn't it ironic that among all of the choices we make in life, we don't choose whom we love? We don't even choose love. It chooses us. And, maybe as a result we have to make choices that are difficult, choices that others disapprove of, choices that we didn't ever want to make.
In many aspects of life, we have the ability to choose. But, it becomes much more cloudy when it comes to love.

Love freely,
tY

Temporary Highs

"There's got to be more to life than chasing temporary highs."

Loneliness is a mindset, it is not a state of being. This time of year shoves love down our throats and forces us to think of the love we have or do not have, want or do not want, need or do not need. For some, it's a great time and for others, it's not so great.

But, the only true cure for loneliness is a natural emotional bond that evolves over time. And, as inconvenient as it might be, that is a bond that we can't seek out. We can't superficially create. We can't substitute with other relationships or acts. It is sent to us.

Better to focus on ourselves and the relationships in our lives that are meaningful during this intermediary time. No use chasing temporary highs.

Love freely,
tY

Connect 4

We throw around the word "connect" a lot when it comes to relationships. "We lost a connection." "I feel a disconnect."

Last night, a friend and I discussed how some women connect with men primarily on a physical level. It's funny that our society automatically pins men as the ones who only connect physically. However, the wrong word in that statement is "connect." Men can be (not always, let me not generalize) the ones who act physically. But, actions do not equal connections.

Unfortunately, many women primarily connect physically. They speak in high-pitched voices and hit men playfully on their arms. Don't you have anything to SAY?

I've found that my mouth sometimes gets me into trouble but it also faciliates some of the best connections and relationships. As I've mentioned in many previous posts, we need to speak. Those connections are much less fleeting and much more accurate in terms of how well we work with another homo sapien.

Love freely,
tY

Basics.

I've abandoned free love, what a tragedy. I must return to my roots.

Yesterday, while grocery shopping, I ran into a cashier whom I see often. He is good looking in an easy and simple sort of way. I'm usually cordial because I believe in being cordial to strangers. Yesterday, we chatted for a bit and I got a pure and genuine vibe from him. He asked about my day (which had been hectic) and we even talked about my internship.

It was refreshing. There didn't seem to be some sort of hidden agenda. There wasn't any "Hey baby" or "What's good, shawty?" He actually asked me for my name.

I am sure our interactions will be limited to the dimly lit checkout aisles at Shoppers, but he made a crazy day a little bit better and I appreciate him for that. I think too many people today lack the trait of being genuine. We don't talk and we want instant hookups. We don't respect others and in doing so, we don't respect ourselves. I cannot preach because I, too, have been consumed in the superficialities of my generation. Nonetheless, the ability to be genuine or hold a true conversation with someone are things that are timeless.

I think in terms of love, life, and the intersection of the two, it's time to get back to the basics.

Love freely,
tY

The sexiest thing

People underestimate the simple sexiness that exists in being yourself.

I have always wondered how people do it, you know put on a fascade and act differently in hopes of attracting the opposite sex. For better or worse, I have this inability to be anyone other than Tyece. However, many women change their voices, act overly flirtacious, and do a million other unnecessary things in order to woo men. Some men do the same thing. They add way too much base to their voices, crack insanely dry jokes, and call women "Baby" or "Shorty" in hopes of attracting women.

I've always maintained that we should leave the acting up to those on stage. Being yourself is sexy. Point blank period. There is a reason why you were created to be the person you are and someone out there is going to find that completely irresistible without you having to deepen your voice or poke someone's arm and be all "cutsie." Trying too hard is a sign of insecurity and more often than not, it will deter people before it pulls them in. Contrary to popular belief, the opposite sex does not expect anything of you than the ability to be who you are.

If you're looking for something to boost your sex appeal, trust that you have already been equipped with everything you need.

Love freely,
tY

Things I Don't Do

Feelings.

They're mushy, gushy, difficult, and consuming. I avoid them at all costs because they distract me and I don't care much for distractions.

But today, a good friend of mine said something very true. She told me, "If your emotions wear off, it makes you less of a person. Emotions keep you grounded and real."

It has been my experience that people who don't "do feelings" are usually setting themselves up for failure. The ability to feel, whether it's happiness, sadness, hurt, anger, etc. is a sign of immense maturity and strength. It's a sign that you are genuine, you know who you are, and most importantly, you are OK with yourself and your experiences.

Emotions, particularly less happy ones, can be a burden and they can drain us. But, recognizing them and letting them out allows us to keep moving and growing. Otherwise, we remain stagnant while only telling ourselves that we are moving. It doesn't make us stronger to be unattached; instead, avoiding attachment is the ultimate sign of weakness. Sure, not everyone deserves to peel your layers, but if no one ever does, you'll end up molding. It is actually much better to admit what people mean to us and accept those feelings for what they are.

Don't forget though, no one likes a cry baby, a Debbie Downer, or a dweller. Feel and let it consume you for a moment and then keep it moving.

So, the next time someone tells you that they don't "do feelings," tell them you don't either. You do people.

Love freely,
tY

Pixie Cuts and Bitches

This weekend as I roamed the aisles of Borders (ahh, what a refreshing activity), my friend and I stopped in the self-help section for kicks.

I once heard that any woman who has self-help books is crazy and you shold run in the opposite direction. Perhaps this is an exaggeration. Yet, as we perused the shelves of this section, there were books such as "Dating for Dummies" and "Flirtexting" sending women messages about how to date and find a happy ending. Funny, because the last time I checked such things were not skills one can acquire.

As we looked further, we saw a book entitled, "Why Men Love Bitches." Ironically enough, this book was written by a woman.

So, I turned to my friend of the opposite sex and said, "Men don't love bitches, do they?"
Obviously, he responded with a no.

I came to a few conclusions in Borders that day, one of which was that us women (and I am not excluded from this category by any means) worry about men entirely too much. We read books, we write books, and we see movies and believe the characters are speaking to us. Additionally, some of the stuff we are telling each other is not right. Ever had a girlfriend tell you to chop all of your hair off after a breakup? I mean, hey, I think short hair can be hot but at the end of the day, your emotions are still going to be there. And, perhaps unfortunately, your hair won't. Seeking self-fulfillment in external things is always in vain.

So, what's the solution? Maybe we should stop feeding into all of the insanity surrounding men and dating. Maybe we should find other things, more concrete and substantial things, that define us and matter to us.

I don't write this blog to grant epiphanies to people everyday or tell people how to live their lives. I am not a guru and I never will be. I write what I see and feel. And, to be perfectly honest, I write because it revives me and it's nice to have this as an outlet.

So, before you go Peter Pan on your hair or decide to trade in your niceness for bitchiness, remember no one has all of the answers. And, if you seek all of the answers, chances are you will be more clueless than you were before you even tried.

Love freely,
tY

Mix and Match

So, I've wanted to blog about interracial dating on this thing for such a long time. But, I always figured I wasn't cool enough. And, then I said, damnit it's 2010, this is my blog, and I will do what I want.

A thought has plagued the back of my mind for awhile and I'm going to be honest: it's the sadness of black men who only date non-black women.

Without going into a bunch of racial history and stereotypes and all of that pish posh, I will just say that in the end, it only hurts oneself to be close-minded about what race or even ethnicity you choose to date. It always makes me laugh when people condemn a person for only dating members of their same race yet think it is so excusable if a person only dates members outside of their race. We are so concerned with being politically correct that we call it "personal preference" if a black man only dates non-black women yet we call it ignorance if a black man only dates black women.

This is nonsense and our world drives me insane.

ANYONE who chooses to only date a certain type of person whether that means the person must be the same race or a different race is narrow-minded and selling them short of the colorless beauty that is love.

If you are a man, you have met qualification number one in my book. That is all that matters.

I think it's time for our world to stop trying so incredibly to hard to be politically correct and to instead equip itself with some common sense and come correct.

Love freely,

tY

Haddaway

What is love? Baby, don't hurt me. Don't hurt me. No more.

I have belted this song out on many solo drives. It poses a pretty loaded yet undeniable question...what is love?

After nearly a year of blogging about love and many things relating to it, I realized I never stopped to speak to this timeless question.

In an email yesterday, I told a friend, "Love is such an abstract concept." Love is a feeling, it's a state of being, it's an action, it's an aspiration, and it's a mystery. How do we pinpoint that exact moment in which we fall in love with someone? How do we know when we are no longer in love with someone? What's the difference between being in love and loving someone? Why is love the worst 4-letter word?

Saying "I Love You" is this cherished and almost sacred moment...in the right context. I'll be the first to admit that I have said I love you to people who were not boyfriends or life long loves and never had any qualms about it. But, hey, different stokes for different folks.

Listen, I don't have answers to any of the questions above. I think love is whatever we make it out to be, the same way it can be any and all of the aforementioned things (feeling, aspiration, etc.) However, I think our biggest fascination with love is that it is something we aspire toward. Happily ever after is ingrained in our heads from the time we are small children. Now, thanks to the likes of Say Yes to the Dress and Bridezillas, we still have this aspiration of love. People are obsessed with love because it is universal. It doesn't discriminate based on age, socioeconomic status, etc. If it weren't so universal, I would not have a reason to write this blog.

In the end, the best way to approach this word is with an open mind. There isn't a need to take direction from others about who to love, when to love, or how to love. As long as you do it freely, my blog and I are happy.

Love freely,
tY

Playtime

I hid my feelings in the deepest corner of my heart
Hoping that you would play and seek them out
Hoping that you would chase me around
The wood chip pavement of this world
And tag me so that I could be “it” in your life
And if I became “it”
I would then go to the swings
Your love being my push as I went higher and higher
Until it felt like I could kiss the sky
See, your love is like bare feet in the grass
Your love is like being the last person to slide on squash the lemon.
Your love is like recess
And I never want to go inside.

Love freely,
tY

Words

I'm gonna need you to say something, baby.

Love freely,
tY

Gravity

Kiss me goodbye, I'm defying gravity.

Love freely,
tY

Housewhat?

A new post for a new decade. I like it.

I have always struggled with the idea of housewives. ABC made it popular when a group of women on Wisteria Lane engaged in endless debauchery. Bravo capitalized on the role with women from different parts of the country who attend lavish parties and hire nannies for their children.

But, what's the big deal about domesticity?

I, for one, have never really understood why cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the home are 1) only assumptions of the role of a wife and 2) so attractive to some men. Perhaps, ironically enough, it is empowering for a woman to take care of her home AND do other things. But, I don't think it should be required. I don't think it makes you any less of a woman if you can't cook and I don't think it makes you any less of a man if you can't change a tire.

Today, a friend of mine told me I wasn't domestic. "I can clean, though," I laughed.
"Yeah, but when I think of domestic I think of someone folding my laundry, cooking, etc. You aren't like that."
"Is that a compliment?" I asked.
"Of course it's a compliment; you don't want to be one of those girls."

And, you know what? Maybe I don't. Sure, I can fold my own laundry and hey, maybe this year I will even learn how to put a decent meal together (I mean I will be living in a real live apartment with a kitchen in a matter of weeks) but even if I never knew how to do any of these things, it wouldn't make me less of a woman and more importantly, it wouldn't make me a worse off Tyece.

At the end of the day, I have free love. How many Real Housewives of Orange County can say they have my lyrical blog skills???

Ok, maybe I'm exaggerating.

Then again, maybe not.

Love freely,
tY

Wonderful Words for the New Year

... There is no such thing as conditional love. Love is either unconditional or it's not love. You might like someone conditionally on their personality or behavior or circumstances. But love accepts no boundaries. So never say 'I love you because', for love has no cause, love comes from God.

Love freely,
tY