Moving Day

Yo. Blogspot has pissed me off enough with its inability to format my entries correctly so... http://freelove2009.tumblr.com New URL. New host space. Same old blog. So, for the last time on blogspot... Love freely, tY

The Non-Negotiables

If there's anything I've learned from my own former relationship and watching other relationships get together and fall apart, it's that dating, serious i-might-wanna-marry-you dating, is tough. Recently, I've heard of relationships hitting a rough patch over the hardcore stuff. I'm talking about the stuff that we aren't so quick to think about when we're still enamored with those first butterflies. Well, here comes Free Love to throw a brick through that pretty window of the dream house you're already building with your Ken. Or, think of it as Free Love coming to help you think a little. Yeah, that's nicer. Ladies and Gentlemen, here are the non-negotiables. The dealbreakers. The things that you should ponder and discuss if you REALLY want to get serious with somone. 1) Family: Yup, I put this one first because, believe it or not, I've experienced the disagreements over this firsthand and have witnessed the demise of a relationship because of it. I guess family also means, well, do you both want a family? If he wants 4 kids and you want 0 (story of my life), that is a problem and someone's gonna have to compromise. But, really, family means...how much does your person's family mean to them? Do they care if your family is a cast of characters from the circus or are they willing to accept anything? Can you guys hang out with each other's families without one person feeling like all they wanna do is crawl under a rock? 2) Money: Let's face it...no one likes talking about money. It's a sensitive subject whether you have a lot or a little. But, you have to talk money with a significant other. And, I don't just mean "How much are you willing to spend on a vacation?" I mean, "How much debt are you in?" Because, if you want him to put a ring on it, then you're asking him to put a ring on your debt, too. What's yours is mine and what's mine is yours...right? 3) Religion: Oh, now I'm really killing your dreams. Religion, like money, is a touchy subject so I'll use myself as an example. I grew up going to church and although I don't adhere to everything I learned there (understatement of the year), I do believe in a higher power. And while I am all about accepting the atheists, agnostics, all that...I wouldn't marry someone who wouldn't go to church with me every once in a blue moon and understand/respect what was going on (that comment is deliberately open-ended.) In the end, are you willing to convert? Do you care about this stuff at all? Gotta know where you stand, kid. 4) Relocation: Pretty simple--would you move for love and how far? I feel like this changes with age and the duration of the relationship (ie I'm not moving across the country if I've known you for 6 months. I'll just take the L on that one. But, if we've been married for 6 years, then, yes...probably...even though I'd be really stubborn and kick and scream and cry before doing so.) So, there's a million other things I could probably list here but those are the major outside influences beyond our control. My point here? No one thinks about this stuff. I will tell you right now you are a complete fool if you think marriage is just love. My second point here? You don't have to care about this stuff just yet. You're young and you should enjoy the beauty of getting naked with someone, rolling around, and never once having to consider any of the above factors. Because those things are heavy and they hit and you're just too cool for school to be dealing with that now. Love freely, tY

This Is College

Someone told me I have 35 days left until graduation. I'm sorry: what, when, where, why, and how? A few months ago, I read this entry on another blog (s/o to http://thefrenemy.tumblr.com/ read her, she rocks and is far more witty and wonderful than I could ever be) called "Dating In Your Twenties." Because I'm still rocking the 21 year old glow, I could never write something like this and can instead only be inspired and taught by it. But, I realize, with 35 days left till graduation, I can write "Dating in College." So here is my completely skewed, completely biased take on the subject. It's long so for those of you who can't read anything longer than a Tweet, avoid. (Note: I stole the first line from the entry from thefrenemy. It was fitting and I don't care if you think I'm a plagiarist.) The first thing to do is let go. Let go of the high school love whom you spent countless nights making out with on the sticky leather sofa in the basement. The high school love is called "high school" and not "forever" love for a reason and although the high school love has gifted you with fine and fond memories of doing inappropriate things in inappropriate places such as movie theaters and libraries, it's time to move on. This is college and everyone secretly laughs at that person who says "she's still in high school" when asked "Where does your girlfriend go to school?" Dating your freshman year is a mistake, one you will only realize in retrospect. You will only understand it was a mistake when you see that freshman year is the only year that it is mildly acceptable to screw anything on the face of the campus, albeit you don't wind up with a disease because no one likes a dirty girl. Freshman forgiveness does not only apply to your first 24 credits; it also applies to any and every thing you do because you can chalk it up to being a bright-eyed and dumbass freshman and we'll excuse it. On the contrary, not doing anything with anyone your freshman year is stupid. Yes, your reputation is important, but, again, in retrospect you'll realize that even in the years you spent building it, no one really cares unless/until it crumbles. Screw something. Get drunk and tell someone they have beautiful eyes and you like long walks on the beach and, in 10 years, you guys will have gorgeous kids together. Go out the next night and say the same things to someone else. I'd like to say dating in a college is a mistake, but that would be slightly blasphemous considering I've seen a few relationships stand the test of keg stands, all-nighters, and time. So, I won't say dating is a mistake. I will instead say TREAD WITH EXTREME CAUTION AND YES I AM YELLING ABOUT THIS. I know more people leaving college single after having had something serious here than I know of people leaving with something serious. But, if it's love, if it's can't live without, if it's everything you hoped for and more, then, psha, do it. Go for it. Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, all that stuff. Give it everything you have while still trying to balance 15 credits, jobs/internships, your sorority...and let me know how things panned out for you. Dating in college is like dating long distance...don't do it unless you feel in your heart of hearts, the sober, thinking clearly, heart of hearts, that this could actually work in the long run. You don't have to say it out loud. You just have to know it. Otherwise, you'll waste these four years giving someone else a self of yours that you don't even quite know yet. And, in the event that you do date, don't let arguments last more than one hour. Know when to say sex is more important and when to say your grade in English is more important. Know your boundaries. And, if you're single, live it up. Kiss random people, do random stuff, soak up the fact that these are four years where almost anything goes and soon, the corporate world will not appreciate or reward your skanky tactics. But, stop crying when there aren't any prospects in sight and you haven't gotten laid in 2 months. Read a book...please. Start a blog. Go skydiving, I don't give an eff, just do something for you. Just for you. Because the guys in college aren't going to fulfill that emotional void that you have; the best they will do is add a layer to a filling you've already created. Don't look for love; it'll find you. Don't try to find yourself; have fun being lost. Don't obsess over your weight; no one sees that you just gained 5 pounds. Don't care so much about boys; build yourself up for the men who will come your way in life. Don't read horoscopes or blogs, even this one, hoping to find all of the answers; the people who produce that stuff (self included) are just as screwed up as anyone else. Don't wear that little black dress because you wanna get a man; wear that little black dress because your legs go on for days and you look amazing in it. Don't look for a relationship at a bar or club; soon enough, you're going to miss that time you spent just dancing with your girlfriends. Don't date someone because they look good on paper; sometimes, those are the people who turn out to be the biggest asses. Don't do anything you don't want to do and do everything you want to do; this is college and after these 4 years, you're never getting it back. Love freely, tY

Overheard in CP

I'm one of the lucky ones. My freshman and sophomore years of college, I only experienced the pain of being sexiled (note: verb--being asked and/or forced to leave one's room because one's roommate is engaging in sexual intercourse) once. It was on Valentine's Day and I sulked in my best friend's room for hours, bemoaning my singleness.

I say I'm one of the lucky ones because despite my one instance of being sexiled, I never had to endure the awkward moment of overhearing my roommate (or just a person) have sex.

But, as they say, all good things must come to an end.

During my junior year of college while visiting my then boyfriend, it happened. Ridiculous and arguably fake shouts escaped from HIS roommate's room and I nudged him to do something to drown out the noise.

Now, as a seasoned senior, the experience of overhearing sex doesn't give me the heebie jeebies the way it once did. Even so, I'd like to highlight some of the thoughts that go through someone's mind when they hear someone else's sexual relations and perhaps provide you with some solutions. Perhaps.

• "Did I just hear what I think I heard? (turn off all sound and listen) Yup. That's it."
• "Ewwwww....gross......"
• "I probably shouldn't admit this but I'm kinda sorta turned on? I know, I know, it's my roommate. That's gross."
• "Damn, I wish I was getting laid right now instead of writing this paper."
• "Why is the guy so loud? That's effeminate."
• "Yup, I've heard that sound before. I've....made that sound before?"

The solutions:

• Blast a fan or the A/C (learned this from my first experience with the ex's roommate's gf)
• (if sleeping) Cover head with a pillow. Try not to suffocate.
• Blast Pandora. No, no, no...I mean BLAST. Loud enough so those mammals know that you know.
• Join in? Nah, this could lead to issues.
• If unperturbed, slip a condom under the door for them. Safe sex is great sex.
• Invite your hook up over and make it a contest.

In the end, it's nothing you haven't heard in a select film genre that I'm sure you watch. It's just real people and I say, thank God someone is getting some. On the other end, it's going to happen but don't be that person who is screaming from the mountaintop every night. Some people do have papers to write and exams to study for and lives to lead that don't involve drowning out your escapades daily.

Besides...if you're too loud, we just know you're faking.

Love freely,

tY

Play By The Rules

If you're anything like me, you tune into regularly syndicated episodes of "Girlfriends" and secretly compare you and your group of 4 friends to the women on the show. And, if you're not anything like me, then you just completely missed this reference and may be lost for the next few minutes or so but bear with me...you'll understand eventually. On the show, Tracee Ellis Ross' character Joan is well-known for her three month rule: she doesn't sleep with a man until at least three months of dating. I'm not here to condone or condemn this rule. Instead, I'm just here to talk about rules. Dictionary.com, the only reliable dictionary in today's society...obviously, defines a rule as "a principle or regulation governing conduct, action, procedure, arrangement, etc." Rules have been reigning our lives since we were little. "Be in bed by 9pm," "Eat all of your spinach," "Don't run alongside the pool." Sometimes rules have major consequences (running alongside the pool could mean busting your ass) while other rules have minor consequences or no consequences at all (I stopped going to bed at 9pm when I was little once I discovered "The Real World Hawaii" came on at 10pm.) As we get older, we play by our own rules. But, the important thing is that we have them. Ok, time for me to get to the dating/love/reason why you read this blog portion of my point. It's my personal belief that it helps to channel your inner Joan Clayton (character from Girlfriends I just talked about for my ADD friends who are already lost) and set some rules of your own in the world of dating. Even if it's just one rule. For instance, I have a no sleepover rule with hookups. (see post from October 29, 2009 entitled "REM.") I'm a weirdo who firmly believes sleeping with someone, literally just sharing a bed with them and sleeping for a full night, is super intimate. So, I don't care if it's 4am and I'm yawning all over the place...I'll gather my things and walk back to my place. But, that's just me. I'm not suggesting you have a "three month rule" or a "no sleepover rule"...I'm simply suggesting you have a rule. Why? Because in the unpredictable, psychotic, and easily hurtful world of dating and relationships, it helps to have something that you stand by, even if it is as simple as "I won't tell you my middle name until Date 3." You know that cheesy saying, If you stand for nothing, you'll fall for anything? I think that kind of applies here. If you have absolutely nothing that keeps you grounded in the dating universe, you'll probably fall for anything and anybody. Love freely, tY

The Social Sexwork

I know you thought I was going to come back from Miami with stories of how I had eye sex with an Italian in a club and how I became smitten over beautiful black men from London who were visiting the United States for one week. And, while all of the above are true (more on Miami in another post sometime soon), I also spent a tiny portion of my spring break watching, for the second time, what I will now deem one of my favorite movies...The Social Network.

With thoughts of Jesse Eisenberg's witty and incisive vernacular still floating through my mind, I stumbled across this article on a friend's Facebook status:

"UChicago Hookup Expands: Casual Sex Site Now Welcoming Other Schools"

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/03/28/college-hookups-website-e_n_841474.html

For those of you who are like me and are too lazy to read links unless you're super interested, here's the gist: University of Chicago has a website where people can set up casual hookups with others. They describe it as being similar to the "casual encounters" (pronounced "you're a 50 year old creeper looking to prey on young girls") portion of Craigslist.

Let me just add an aside here for my fellow Terps. We don't have a casual hookup website because we have a casual hookup Cornerstone instead. Am I taking a jab at Chicago, Columbia, and whoever else is joining this website? Yeah, you can bet your five-pounds-heavier-from-all-of-the-alcohol-on-spring-break ass that I am. Because for those of us who are classy enough to at least drunk text someone before trying to get in their pants, this is just putting all of our hard work to shame.

If you read Free Love, you already know my take on the demise of human communication and how pathetic it is. No need to comment further. I'm just wondering if this site will be like Facebook...starts off with all of the prestigious schools (the site expands to Brown on April 4) and then trickles down to us plebians at public institutions. My God, I hope this isn't the case. We have to show those ivy-league recluses that we at least know how to do something right.

There's no life message today. Sorry if you were looking for me to enlighten you. I, too, just came off of a spring break complete with sun, alcohol, and dropping to the floor every night when Juvenile came on. My brain isn't quite back and I am not sorry for that. But, I guess if there is going to be a point it's that this website is pathetic, anyone who uses it is pathetic, and I hope it never makes its way to my home for 6 more weeks, UMD.

But, you DO have to have a .edu email address to use the site. Classy, Chicago. Classy.

Love freely,

tY

Let the debauchery begin.

Free Love wishes you and yours a fabulous spring break. Please refer to the entry "Spring Break 2011 According to Free Love" for my words of wisdom as you embark upon a week of lost consciousness, poor decisions, and sun. I commend you and respect you for it.

Please return with some entertaining stories to fuel content on this blog.

I'll be on hiatus for a few days but I'll return in a few days...hopefully with some stories of my own.

Love freely,
tY

This is the true story of seven strangers

Alright, so if you haven't heard...I'm moving. All the way to Boston. The only thing I know about Boston is that it has a solid basketball team by the name of the Boston Celtics. Oh yeah...and it has Harvard (well, Cambridge has Harvard but close enough.) Basketball and ivy league men...this might work out for me.

As thoughts of moving and becoming an adult have consumed me for the past 48 hours or so, of course, I've thought about dating.

How do you date in the real world?

Usually, I like to have an answer for such questions. That's the point of this blog. That's why you're reading this because I've made myself out to be some love guru (ha, I'm the exact opposite) and you want me to help you. But, I don't think I can help you on this one. The truth is, I, like many of my peers, am getting ready to exit the world of college where dating is defined as: "We became Facebook friends. I met you once after only texting you and never actually speaking to you. We ran into each other at Cornerstone and sealed our love with a drunken kiss and other activities that took place in your apartment at Commons. The end." College prides itself on teaching us a lot of things but, I'm sorry, dating is simply not one of them.

The pathetic thing is...I'm not sure if I'm ready to enter the "real world" of dating. When I think of the real world of dating, I think of dinner and a movie, someone pulling out my chair for me, picking me up at my place around 8 and getting me home around 11. Chivalrous? Sure. Boring as hell? Yeah, that too. Even though "dating" or whatever we're doing in undergrad (you and me baby ain't nothing but mammals...) is pretty gross and sleazy, at least it's creative. Even people who actually are in monogamous relationships in college find fun and cheap things to do and avoid the stereotypical "dinner and a movie" date. Dinner and a movie is lame and should only be reserved for the name of that show that used to come on TBS for single lonely girls on a Friday night.

What I'm getting at is that I'm not really ready for the fluff of real dating. Everything about real life is fluffy...office politics, dating, happy hour with your co-workers. People in the real world become robots and shells of their former selves, something that I think we should all intend to consciously avoid if the world has any chance of being a decent place (hence why this blog is going to be my escape once I begin work). But, back to dating. I don't know if it's necessary for someone to buy me a 50 dollar meal in order to learn my middle name and what I majored in in college. In fact, sometimes I think I'd just rather sit down and have a sour amoretta while having that conversation. Because in the end, the real world is just far too padded and fluffy at this point and dating should be a place that's raw (not in that sense, kids), real, and rough. That's the only way you can really get to know someone.

Screw the fluff. No cotton necessary for this girl.

Love freely,
tY

Spring Break 2011 According to Free Love

Upon playing Will Smith's "Miami" mere moments ago, it has occurred to me that my last spring break is next week. Exactly one week from now I'll be in the warmth of South Beach, hopefully inebriated and happy.

Spring break is about engaging in as much debauchery as your liver and lower parts will allow in one week. But, because this is Free Love, I'm not here to talk about your liver. Just don't die. No, I'm serious, don't die...I need as many readers as possible. Instead, I am here to talk about the lower parts. So, let's cut to chase:

Tyece's Lowdown on the Spring Break Hook Up (ahh, ahh, see what I did there? Ok, yeah, it was corny...I apologize.)

• Even Lil Wayne who has spent countless hours in jail and has mastered the art of people understanding him despite his inability to speak the English language knows the deal...safe sex is great sex.
• If you're like me, your entire senior class is going to the same place as you for spring break (Miami...so unique...not). Do not, I repeat DO NOT, hook up with people from school/people you know. You can do that during the semester. Doing it in a different location is stupid/a waste of your lower parts.
• Making out in bars/clubs is acceptable. I don't care what anyone says.
• Let me shout out to my relationship peeps for a minute...don't cheat. That's not a good look.
• Alright, it's tempting. But, don't go home with random people. I know he's hot and he seems like a relatively sane human being but Lifetime wasn't lying about Craigslist killers. Again, you can't die because I need people to read this blog. So, here are your options: A) Just bring him back to your place and have your drunk friends deal with the consequences. Your friendship will be better because of it. B) Channel your inner Usher and make as much love as you can in the club without getting kicked out.
• No, really, make sure you wrap it up. Maury doesn't look like a really welcoming place to go to.
• Your goal: be the perfect drunk so you can get loose enough to make out with someone but you're not so drunk that you're that girl who blacked out. I mean you can be that girl if you want but she's not getting any action, trust me.
• What happens in spring break, stays in spring break.

So, with that, go off and live it up. Come back with some stories (and make sure stories are the only things that start with an "S" that you come back with.)

Love freely,

tY

Redefining PDA

If you are reading this post because you want to know about my views on couples acting like morons being all kissy and huggy and gross in public, then stop reading. Not writing about that today, biatch.

Nope, I'm talking about PDA: Public Displays of Argumentation.

You've seen it. You've probably done it. Yup, I'm talking about fighting with your significant other in public.

Fighting with your sig o in public is kinda like throwing up in public: you don't want to do it, you don't even want to do it in private, but sometimes you can't control it and everyone else sees it but will try to be polite and not be grossed out by you (unless of course you are me and have a deep-rooted phobia of vomit in which case you will abruptly leave the room like a maniac...the sad thing is I'm not even lying.) Also, that vom/fighting analogy was one of the top 10 best analogies I've used on Free Love ever. I'm just saying.

Anyway, this post is all sparked by a run in I had with someone yesterday as they were nearing the end of a "conversation" (pronounced argument) with their boyfriend. There I was, holding my grande mocha and waiting to start working on our group project while averting my eyes from the uncomfortable scene. I could sympathize...a little over a year ago, I had my own public falling out with an ex in the middle of a crowded NYC restaurant where I had to flee to the bathroom and cry. Then, one of the nice bathroom attendants (the type of job only found in cities where people are too elitist to turn the sink on themselves) handed me a tissue and I realized, wow, Tyece, you're kind of pathetic right now.

Public fallouts are just a part of the relationship game. And, in some ways, they are like PDA (now, I'm talking about Public Displays of Affection.) Sometimes, you really can't keep your hands off of each other and sometimes you really can't stop yourself from wanting to grab your boyfriend by his throat and damage him. Fighting in public is just one of those things that makes relationships real. (Sh)it happens and you'll be better because of it. Keep it to a minimum but don't avoid it completely. If anything, it's entertainment for us single people.

But, don't spill your cookies in public. Not entertaining...gross. And, I will run away. And, maybe cry.

Love freely,
tY

The 8 Month Funk

You would think that after skipping my Spanish class this morning and getting an extra hour of sleep, I'd wake up refreshed and ready to start the day. But, I wasn't. I realized I was kind of in a mood. Now, this mood could be blamed on many things. It could be blamed on my disdain for school because it's my last semester and I don't think writing a paper analyzing how color is used in a visual is quite useful at this point. It could be blamed on the lack of sleep I got last night. Could be blamed on my messed up finances at the moment.

But...I don't think any of these things are the culprit.

Last night (well, this morning around 5am) while showering, I realized I've been single for about 8 months now. I have hit the 8 month funk.

For people who are in relationships, they usually say the first 6 months or so are the honeymoon period. Everything's great, you fall in love, and your life is cherries and sugar and all of that good stuff. I'd like to think it's the same for people who are single. Once you get over that "I hate him and want to key his car" hump, being single is fun. It's new. Exciting. But, just like those people in a relationship who hit a bump after 6 months or so, as a single person you, too, hit a bump and kind of sort of miss being in a relationship. At least if you're anything like me, you miss just bumming it with someone on a Friday night, texting them in the middle of the day saying hello, or waking up next to them (although I must admit I hate sharing my bed and I don't sleep well with others...wow, reason number 506 why I'm never going to get married.)

So, there's really only one of two options. For the people who hit the 8 month bump in relationships, they have to decide if they're going to stay together or split. Pretty simple. If you're single, you really don't have the option of going and just getting into a relationship (unless, of course, you're that desperate in which case you shouldn't be reading this blog because I don't write for desperate people.) So, you can either dwell on being single and whine about it or you can ride it out and continue to enjoy your life.

There's a line in one of my favorite movies, Hitch, when Eva Mendes turns to her friend and says, "You're not sick; you're single." Too often, we think of being single as some plague when it's the opposite. It's a chance to get to discover new things and people, enjoy only having to make choices for yourself, and meet some sexy characters and make some bad decisions with them along the way. So, do what you have to do to remind yourself that riding solo a la Jason Derulo isn't so bad after all. Maybe you're like me and realize at this point in your life, you should focus on the one person who's always going to be there for you: you.

Love freely,
tY

I...Like...You?

Fifteen definitions of the word "crush" on dictionary.com. Here's the one I'm looking for:

Noun: (informal)--an intense but usually shortlived infatuation
the object of such an infatuation--"Who is your latest crush?"

In elementary school, if you liked someone, you hit them or said mean things to them. The funny thing is, I never really graduated from that level and still give the guys whom I like a hard time compared to the guys whom I don't. But, really, how do you let someone know you're interested?

At least for women, or at least for myself, there's this fine line between too aggressive and too passive. I've found that going up to someone and telling them straight up, "You're attractive" is too bold and, ugh, I hate saying this, but too masculine. It's basically the equivalent of, "You have balls and here are mine, too, while we're on the subject." But, not saying anything won't work in your favor because no one is going to know something if you're quiet.

I'm not sure if it's any easier for men. If they come on too strong, we label them as creepy. If they're too passive, we won't care. And if they do anything in between, we'll get all goo goo ga ga and overanalyze everything they say and do.

So what do we do? We'll send someone a Facebook friend request. We'll say something on Twitter and hope that they notice a subtweet. We'll tell our friend to tell their friend to tell them. We find roundabout ways to say things that we are afraid to say. Because striking up a conversation out of thin air is sometimes more frightening than Michael Jackson in Thriller.

I'd like to think that in my short 21 years, I've mastered a few things. The art of making a perfect microwave hotdog. Knowing how to hail a cab in NYC. Enduring an entire night in high heels (this happened last night!) But, when it comes to letting someone know I have a crush on them, I don't know what to do. I don't even know where to start. I'm not talking about "We've been seeing each other for a minute and I actually like you." No, I know how to say that. I'm talking about, "We have literally never spoken before but you're cute and I may want to talk to you and do more than that if at all possible, please and thank you."

So, what do I do instead? I blog about it at 1:30 in the morning instead of writing my paper due tomorrow. Cool.

Love freely,
tY

Quotes From Last Night: Marriage

I really have no business writing about marriage. What do I know, right? I'm 21, unmarried, single, and the only marriage I've had an up close and personal experience with has been that of my parents, which, well, um, yeah. Enough said.

But, I probably don't have any business writing about a lot of stuff on this blog so marriage, here we go.

Last night, while talking to a friend, I spent a good 20 minutes defending why I don't want to have children and possibly don't want to get married. Snippets of the conversation went a little something like this:

Him: But if you don't get married or have kids you'll...just...get...old....by yourself.

Me: Why can't I just spend my life with someone and not be married?

Him: So you think a man is going to be with you his whole life, not sleep with anyone else, but not marry you?

Me: Yeah...

later in the convo...

Me: You're only saying these things cause you're a traditionalist. I think you'll be one of those people who cheats on your wife anyway.

Him: Yeah, I probably will. And, she'll probably cheat on me. As long as I don't know about it, it's fine.

Do you have a puzzled/disgusted look on your face after reading that last sentence? Oh, ok, cause that's what I looked like when I heard it.

Let me be completely honest: America has fucked up marriage. I don't drop the f-bomb often on Free Love, but it is true. In some ways, I don't blame my friend for his final comment because all around us, we're seeing that people get married and what do they do? They cheat. They lie. They steal. They get divorced. People get married because oops, they had a kid and there's no choice or oh, they love each other at age 20 and that's enough, or he needs a green card or she needs a source of income because she's too lazy to work. All very wrong reasons to get married, if you ask me. America doesn't think about the marriage; it thinks about "getting married." It thinks about the white dress, the tux, the ceremony, the reception. It thinks about the day, not the lifetime and sorry to tell you, but marriage is a lifetime. So, there's no wonder that I have little faith in marriage.

Similar to my post about having children a few days ago, marriage is a choice, not an obligation. And, yes, deep down, I'm pretty sure I'll get married. But I will do it for the right reasons. Not for money. Not JUST for love (because not everyone whom you love are you meant to marry and if you haven't learned that yet, come back to me after your next breakup.) Not because I'm 30 and society told me I'm too old to be single and not because I'm dating someone and it just seems like the "next logical step." So, maybe I don't know all the reasons why I would marry someone, but those are some of the reasons why I certainly wouldn't. And, at 21, I think that's all I need to know.

Love freely,

tY

First Comes _________ ?

Disclaimer: I am currently reading Kelly Cutrone's "If You Have to Cry Go Outside" and I just finished a chapter about motherhood and marriage.

Nonetheless, some of Cutrone's ideas about these things got me to thinking about my ideas about these things which got me to blogging...naturally. In my last post, I made a quick comment about our obsession to find "the one" and how is it even possible to think about finding the one until we find ourselves.

Why is it that we're so programmed to fit society's expectations of love?

Now, I'm not talking about whom we choose to love because that, too, is a different post entirely...if not an entire dissertation. But, I'm talking about expectations when it comes to "first comes love, then comes marriage..." Especially for women, we're taught to believe that life is about starting a career, falling in love and settling down, getting married, having children, and living happily ever after...in that particular order. God forbid you have a child before you get married or get married at 50 and never have children or choose not to have children and/or get married. God forbid you do something...your way?

I think I was destined not to conform to these standards because throughout my life, I've been exposed to women who don't meet the criteria yet have perfectly happy and wonderful lives. My oldest sister is an amazing mother who's unmarried and unperturbed by this fact. My wonderful hairdresser who recently passed away didn't have children and wasn't married but owned a successful business and left an incredible legacy. My boss and, now after 2 years of working for her, mentor is married without children and vacations with her husband at least three times a year (ahh...the life I aspire to have.) You get the point.

I think it's our responsibility as women to challenge society's notions of what is right for our lives and, specifically, our love lives. Why do you keep telling yourself you have to be married by age 30? (I'm actually from the school of thought that you shouldn't marry until at least 30 so you have your shit together but that's just me.) What's going to happen if you aren't married by age 28 or don't have 2.5 children by age 30? Nothing. That's what's going to happen. Absolutely effing nothing. These arbitrary timelines and deadlines we give ourselves are an unnecessary mental burden. It's pathetic that our society frowns upon women who are older than 28 and are unmarried as if they're some sort of plague instead of something to be proud of. Meanwhile, there are people who are 25-30 who are married and would rather jump off a rootop than sit and have dinner with their spouse or talk to their kid so YOU tell ME how happy is happily ever after.

If I were to add to my collection of two tattoos, I would contemplate getting this expression (In English of course because that's the language I speak and I hate when people get tats in languages that they don't speak and then act like it's so cool when you don't even REALLY know what that shit says...but, per usual, I digress...): "This is YOUR life." Because, really, it's just that. The world is going to keep spinning whether you end up with one husband or 10 or o. And, if the world is going to keep spinning, there's no reason why yours should stop in the event that things don't go in that carved out order, or better yet, if some of the things don't happen at all.

In the words of Reggie Bush to Kim Kardashian when she started dating Miles Austin: Do you.

Love freely,
tY

LDR...worth it?

I used to think I was the only one. Then I started hearing about people dating other people who lived anywhere from Europe to Australia to California. Maybe I wasn't the only one who had experienced the misery and happiness associated with a LDR.

Now, if you know me, you know I am no longer in an LDR so if this post sounds a bit angsty or independent womanish...well, that's because it is.

Top Reasons why LDRs are both great and a pain in the ass:
1) Most couples who see each other on a routine basis end up getting easily annoyed with one another and, as a result, find stupid and insignificant things to argue over. LDRers (yeah, I'm not sure how to name these couples so we'll just call them that) don't really give two effs if you constantly change the channel or didn't put the toilet seat down. They're too busy gazing into each other's eyes and making up for the sappiness they didn't have a for a month...or 6.
2) Everytime you say goodbye, it will suck. It will suck more than the time before. Never goes away.
3) When LDRers are together, they are together. Every minute is about that other person whom they love yet never see and everything else comes second at best. This is really beautiful when you think about it and is a level that many couples should aspire to sometimes but it's also not always realistic (sorry for raining on the parade.) Sometimes, you don't have entire weekends or weeks to spare being curled up in bed, naked, eating Chinese when you have a paper due or a job to go to or um a life.
4) Yes, you will get your period the one weekend your boyfriend comes to visit and be deprived of the sex you've been missing for months. Yes, karma is a bitch and Aunt Flo is her sister.
5) It's not always easy to squeeze a relationship into one weekend. Most couples have the pleasure of balancing going out, arguing, having sex, having great conversations. being together while doing other things such as hw, etc. LDRers...not so much.
6) Everytime you reunite with the person after a long absence, regardless of whether you just argued via text ten minutes before or have a cramp in your neck from sleeping on a crowded bus for 4 hours, it is pure magic. It's butterflies and roses and all of that girly stuff that I never really care about. It is an unmatched feeling that makes the lonely and sleepless nights, long phone calls and 5 hour Skype sessions suddenly feel worth it.

So...my advice? Well, a few things. One, an LDR should be the default, not the standard. This means, don't start a relationship long distance. The only way LDRs have a chance of surviving is if two people have established a bond while being together...geographically. Trying to generate a relationship out of thin air when he's in London and you're in Kansas is just plain dumb. But, if at some point life takes you and your beau in separate directions, then, yes, try an LDR. Another word of advice...stop playing up the fate card so much. "He's 3,000 miles away but I know we're meant to be together!" Then it doesn't work out and you pull the "We weren't meant to be together." Ugh, effing fate, man. Life is going to do what life wants to do and chances are when you're 25 or 35 or 45 or 55, someone else will come along and that will be "meant to be" and you'll be perfectly fine. Sometimes I wonder why people my age are super obsessed with finding "the one" when I'm like, um have you even found yourself yet? But, that is a different post entirely. And, my last piece of advice is to only take the beating of an LDR if in some place in that brain of yours, whether you admit it or not, you think you could be with the person forever. It sounds silly at first but relationships are time consuming and money consuming and heart consuming and everything consuming. Yes, money is valuable and you will definitely spend a lot of it just traveling if you're in an LDR. (When I think of all of the money I spent on those MegaBus trips...ok, let me not digress.) But, time is even more valuable and if you spend it in between bouts of misery when the person is gone and happiness when the person is there, it damn sure better be worth it. It better mean that all of those lonely nights will be compensated by a million nights together at some point in life. If there's even a doubt in your mind about that...it's not worth it.

And, really, isn't that advice to ANYONE in a relationship? Your time is just that...YOUR time. Don't let anyone waste it.

Love freely,
tY

The Waiting Game

To all of my single people out there...this one's for you.

There are some unwritten rules in dating. Theories if you will. Things that both men and women believe in and try to adhere to. We aren't always successful in this regard but these little ideals help to guide our dating lives. Recently, with a few different people, I've talked about a major one of these little ideals: waiting.

We all know you're not supposed to look for someone to date because, yeah yeah when you look you'll never find. But, what about the meantime? You know...that time after your last relationship but before your next one. What the hell are you supposed to do then?

Some people believe in waiting for the right person to come along and only investing their time and energy into bettering themselves during that off season. They believe that meaningless flings only delay the process of finding something good.

Other people believe in those meaningless flings like it is their religion. They come from the "party party party let's all get wasted" school of thought and believe that life is short and shouldn't be spent not getting laid.

Both of these approaches are complete opposites and I don't think they work being mutually exclusive. I think you have to have both, quite frankly. You should work on bettering yourself, enjoying your life, and riding solo a la Jason Derulo but, hey, a little (safe) horizontal tango-ing never really hurt anyone. The most important thing is not to lie to yourself. Don't lie to yourself with the "I'm going to be single (aka celibate) until the next great person comes along," and stop bs-ing with the "I don't really like this guy, we're just hooking up." And, more importantly than not lying to yourself, don't beat yourself up if you change your mind about something or someone or do something you're not necessarily proud of or proclaim how you're "so done" and then text that person you're "so done" with and crawl into bed with them. This is life, this is dating, you are young, and there aren't any real rules (as long as you don't get pregnant or contract an icky disease.)

You'll need some stories to tell someday, anyway, when you're old, married, have children, and no longer have the freedom to engage in these shenanigans.

Love freely,
tY

Now What?

Why do I always blog in the wee hours of the morning? I think I'm a vampire.

I've decided being single has its phases just like being in a relationship. And, they kind of mirror one another. The beginning of a relationship is new and everything is roses. When you return to being single, you're like "Whoa, this is what I was missing!?" :cue drunken makeouts and other sins:

As you move on in the relationship, you have some fights, things become routine, and you have to decide if you're either going to work to make this one better or phase it out of your life.

After a few months of debauchery being single, you hit a slump where you're over the Samantha Jones moments and you miss curling up in a ball next to someone. Now it's time to decide if you can truly devote yourself to being by yourself or if you are going to whine about it. Or, well, if you're just going to continue the debauchery which always works, too.

I guess what I'm saying is that no matter what situation you're in, it's not easy for any of us. Life has its way of spiky haired white boy style serving us (if you don't get the reference, you obviously don't know of my favorite movie of all time, You Got Served) and we have to roll with the punches and decide where our efforts should be focused.

Whatever you do, wherever stage you're in...either go big a la Theresa Guidice's hair or go home.

Love freely,
tY

Reunited and it feels so...?

Happy 2011, 20 days later.

Free Love has been on a hiatus for a few reasons. Allow me to explain.

1) I am taking the LSAT in 3ish weeks. It's a beast and does not allow me to play much.
2) I started this wonderful thing called Free Love almost two years ago and just as me and my love life have evolved, so has this blog. I've found that a lot comes from observing the world (ie these blog posts), but a lot more comes from just living so, sometimes, I'm just living. Those times are when I blog less frequently. But, Free Love is like my first child...like you let it grow up and you're more hands off but it's still your kid. My Tumblr is like the new child that needs attention and also, it's new so you like playing with that child more. Wait, maybe that's a really messed up way to look at parenting. Good thing I don't want kids.

But, do not fret, my pet. A brand new blog post, just for you.

So, there's really no way around this one. No witty way to begin this. My ex is coming to town.

Yeah, take a moment and let it simmer the way I had to when I got that text a few hours ago.

There are always some expectations as you prepare to see someone whom you once loved after a long absence. And, really, every reunion is unique depending on the circumstances of the breakup, how long it's been since you even said what's up to the person, etc. Fortunately, I'm not going in completely blind but it's still a weird situation.

And, that is where this list comes in.

Top Dos and Donts for a Reunion with the EX:

1) Look good. Everyone knows this one. But, really, I don't think the point should be "Yeah, I'm hot and you messed this up!" but really, "I'm still in good shape." Cause, really, if you believe in fate like moi, no one messed anything up and everything worked out for the best.
2) The subpoint to looking good...don't confuse good with sexpot. Boobs and booty out kind of scream desperate. And, by kind of, I mean really. High heels, though? Essential.
3) Stay in the present. No use in rehashing old mems, good or bad, because someone's feelings are going to get hurt.
4) Don't expect sex. No brainer.
5) Go somewhere/meet somewhere where there's a predetermined amount of time for the outing. Hanging out for too long (ie at someone's house)= el trouble. (I forgot how to say that in Spanish so I just added el to trouble. So much for my Spanish minor.)
6) Don't let other people get in your head. Everyone has their theories about exes-- "Never see them again!" "Aw, you guys should get back together." Nah, eff all of them and go do your thing.
7) Don't discuss current flings/sig others/etc. I get it. We're no longer together. But, we were and hearing about you banging someone else is never gonna be that cool. Then, I'll have to fake smile and pretend I'm cool with it when it's just plain weird and well, there goes my night.
8) To add on to #3, have something to say. You're not gonna talk about the past so have a present and future to discuss.
9) Understand that people change but the past doesn't. You may sit across from someone completely different from the person whom confused your heart with grapes at the winery and stomped all over it a few months or years ago. Hell, you may be a different person now. In fact, I hope you are. And, that's awesome. But, the past happened, that ish is real, and you aren't Cher so you can't turn back time.
10) Enjoy yourself. This is someone whom was once important to you and there's no reason why, even if you can't be friends, you can't remain cordial and enjoy one another's company.

Sooo...all of that advice was basically to myself but hey, maybe it'll help you out one day, too.

Wish me luck, beautiful people.

Love freely,
tY