Overheard in CP

I'm one of the lucky ones. My freshman and sophomore years of college, I only experienced the pain of being sexiled (note: verb--being asked and/or forced to leave one's room because one's roommate is engaging in sexual intercourse) once. It was on Valentine's Day and I sulked in my best friend's room for hours, bemoaning my singleness.

I say I'm one of the lucky ones because despite my one instance of being sexiled, I never had to endure the awkward moment of overhearing my roommate (or just a person) have sex.

But, as they say, all good things must come to an end.

During my junior year of college while visiting my then boyfriend, it happened. Ridiculous and arguably fake shouts escaped from HIS roommate's room and I nudged him to do something to drown out the noise.

Now, as a seasoned senior, the experience of overhearing sex doesn't give me the heebie jeebies the way it once did. Even so, I'd like to highlight some of the thoughts that go through someone's mind when they hear someone else's sexual relations and perhaps provide you with some solutions. Perhaps.

• "Did I just hear what I think I heard? (turn off all sound and listen) Yup. That's it."
• "Ewwwww....gross......"
• "I probably shouldn't admit this but I'm kinda sorta turned on? I know, I know, it's my roommate. That's gross."
• "Damn, I wish I was getting laid right now instead of writing this paper."
• "Why is the guy so loud? That's effeminate."
• "Yup, I've heard that sound before. I've....made that sound before?"

The solutions:

• Blast a fan or the A/C (learned this from my first experience with the ex's roommate's gf)
• (if sleeping) Cover head with a pillow. Try not to suffocate.
• Blast Pandora. No, no, no...I mean BLAST. Loud enough so those mammals know that you know.
• Join in? Nah, this could lead to issues.
• If unperturbed, slip a condom under the door for them. Safe sex is great sex.
• Invite your hook up over and make it a contest.

In the end, it's nothing you haven't heard in a select film genre that I'm sure you watch. It's just real people and I say, thank God someone is getting some. On the other end, it's going to happen but don't be that person who is screaming from the mountaintop every night. Some people do have papers to write and exams to study for and lives to lead that don't involve drowning out your escapades daily.

Besides...if you're too loud, we just know you're faking.

Love freely,

tY