Lines from a beautiful song by John Legend:
Cause everybody knows that
nobody really knows
how to make it work
or how to ease the hurt...
cause everybody knows
but nobody really knows.
There's a cliche: Don't throw stones if you live in a glass house.
When it comes to the world of relationships, we all live in glass houses. Unfortunately, it seems like most of us also throw stones.
Just like most things in life, we're all at different stages when it comes to relationships and we have all had different experiences. I recently told a friend that we're all just wild, running around and making mistakes until God decides to throw our soul mate into the mix. Some of us have had great relationships, others have had terrible ones, others haven't had any. Some of us have cheated, others have been cheated on. Some of us have broken hearts, others have gotten their hearts broken. Some of us have slept around, others are waiting to have sex until they are married, others are not sleeping around by default (if you know me, you know what this phrase means.) We lie, deceive, send mixed signals, flirt harmlessly or maybe not so harmlessly, open our hearts to people we know we shouldn't, and close our hearts to people we know we should open up to. We gossip, keep secrets, cry, yell, go running back to old lovers, send drunken late night texts, say things that our mothers would not be proud of, DO things our mothers might not be proud of, hope and pray for changes, doubt ourselves, casually hook up, get shaken to the core by love, and do it all again. We. Are. Human.
So, what's the point?
Just that: WE ARE HUMAN.
We all experience the same emotions in the roller coaster of relationships and love, no matter how extreme or subtle they may be. And, although a situation may be perfectly black and white from the outside, we do have to keep in mind that behind that black and white surface, there's a rainbow of human emotions. So it may be okay to give advice to a friend who really needs it, but it's not okay to judge. Or worse, it's not okay to try and draw parallels between any situation you've had and the situation of a friend because you're both different people.
Again, I draw inspiration from pretty much anywhere that I can find it so of course, this isn't unprompted. It's been a very interesting week from many different angles in terms of my subject matter and this was the best way to sum it up. I've talked to a lot of different friends about so many different situations so this is kind of paying homage to everyone including myself, I guess, if you were to look at my life experiences.
Cause everybody knows
but nobody really knows.
Love freely,
tY
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Here comes the bride...
Who's Wedding is it Anyway? Say Yes to the Dress. I Propose. Platinum Weddings. Bridezillas.
If you haven't notice, our culture is obsessed with marriage.
No, I take that back, our culture is obsessed with weddings. Of course, weddings are the public announcement of marriage so obviously the two go hand-in-hand.
Lately, the topic of marriage has come up in conversation with many of my friends, guys and girls alike. Would you move across the country for your spouse? Am I wife material? When is the timing right? Is it okay to have a question mark on your future? Am I going to end up 50 yrs old with 10 cats?
Then, it dawns on me. Everyone I've been talking to is young...almost too young to be thinking about any of these things (and I, too, am a culprit when it comes to the mortal sin of asking some of these questions.) Why does society shove marriage down our throats so much?
If you believe monogamy is natural, great. If you don't, great. If you believe in marriage, great. If you think you can have a soul mate without marrying them, great. I'm not here to judge any of that because it's not my place. However, I can say that these people who produce wedding shows and unyieldingly feed the idea of happily ever after need to find something more productive to contribute to society. Because if that's the case, where are all of the divorce shows? I mean don't 50% of marriages end in divorce? Oh, yea that's what I thought.
Sure, I'm being a little cynical for the sake of argument. But, when I found myself seriously considering whether or not I was marriage material I had to cut the madness. There's something very important I said in my very first post: I'm 19 years old. It's OK that the thing at the forefront of my mind relationship-wise is absolutely nothing at all.
Use your youth as an excuse because it is a very valid one. And, one day, you're going to be 50 and regardless of whether your married with 10 children or single with 10 cats, being young and doing what you want and getting what YOU want out of life will no longer be valid. You'll either be considered a selfish spouse and/or parent or a desperate less hot version of Samantha Jones (or maybe you'll be just as hot, I'm not sure. You're reading this so something about you is sexy.)
Maybe marriage is the ultimate goal, but society and mass media need to give it a rest. And, even if it is the ultimate goal, is it fair for it to overshadow our other goals of wanting to travel to exotic places or work in big cities?
Who's Wedding is it anyway? Not ours, so we really don't care.
Love freely,
tY
If you haven't notice, our culture is obsessed with marriage.
No, I take that back, our culture is obsessed with weddings. Of course, weddings are the public announcement of marriage so obviously the two go hand-in-hand.
Lately, the topic of marriage has come up in conversation with many of my friends, guys and girls alike. Would you move across the country for your spouse? Am I wife material? When is the timing right? Is it okay to have a question mark on your future? Am I going to end up 50 yrs old with 10 cats?
Then, it dawns on me. Everyone I've been talking to is young...almost too young to be thinking about any of these things (and I, too, am a culprit when it comes to the mortal sin of asking some of these questions.) Why does society shove marriage down our throats so much?
If you believe monogamy is natural, great. If you don't, great. If you believe in marriage, great. If you think you can have a soul mate without marrying them, great. I'm not here to judge any of that because it's not my place. However, I can say that these people who produce wedding shows and unyieldingly feed the idea of happily ever after need to find something more productive to contribute to society. Because if that's the case, where are all of the divorce shows? I mean don't 50% of marriages end in divorce? Oh, yea that's what I thought.
Sure, I'm being a little cynical for the sake of argument. But, when I found myself seriously considering whether or not I was marriage material I had to cut the madness. There's something very important I said in my very first post: I'm 19 years old. It's OK that the thing at the forefront of my mind relationship-wise is absolutely nothing at all.
Use your youth as an excuse because it is a very valid one. And, one day, you're going to be 50 and regardless of whether your married with 10 children or single with 10 cats, being young and doing what you want and getting what YOU want out of life will no longer be valid. You'll either be considered a selfish spouse and/or parent or a desperate less hot version of Samantha Jones (or maybe you'll be just as hot, I'm not sure. You're reading this so something about you is sexy.)
Maybe marriage is the ultimate goal, but society and mass media need to give it a rest. And, even if it is the ultimate goal, is it fair for it to overshadow our other goals of wanting to travel to exotic places or work in big cities?
Who's Wedding is it anyway? Not ours, so we really don't care.
Love freely,
tY
Monday, March 23, 2009
Lovers and Friends
I recently heard that men and women could only be friends if sex was not an issue; so the individuals would have to be dead or 80 yrs old (and even the latter isn't guaranteed.) Don't ask where I heard this, I forgot. My apologies.
Can men and women JUST be friends?
Wait, wait, gotta rephrase that for the sake of argument.
Can heterosexual men and women just be friends?
Not discriminating at all but there has to be some sexual interest here.
It's a question people have pondered for ages. It's a question people thought they knew the answer to until their best friend broke their heart. It's a question people thought they knew the answer to until their friend of six years confessed their undying affection and they felt nothing in return. It's a question that will continue to perplex us. We will try to make our own conclusions, arrive at our own answers, and then be completely caught off guard at some point in our life. I won't be able to answer it in the words of this blog...but the point of my posts is never to answer questions...it's to raise them. You make up the rest.
My teeny tiny bit of personal experience says this: I have a few good guy friends.
My teeny tiny bit of personal experience ALSO says this: With these guys, a physical interest (and perhaps elaboration of that...) existed at some point.
Don't get it twisted, these are the REALLY good guy friends. The ones whom I know I can count on if I'm in a rut or wanting to laugh...that kind of thing. Sure, I'm friends with guys I sit next to in class or work with but they are more so associates. The ones who are actual friends are ones who I can honestly say there's been something physical with at some point. And for me, that, in the end, has only strengthened the friendship. Curiosity killed the cat but apparently it revived the friendship. It's just kind of like "OK, we went there, saw what it was, and saw we are way better as friends. Let's be that."
Again, this isn't a diary though so there's my personal gush until whenever.
The ability to maintain a strictly platonic friendship with a member of the opposite sex doesn't require any sort of personality; it simply depends on your view of relationships and by relationships I mean anything...romantic, platonic, etc. If you separate the friendly from the flirty without any blurry lines, the friends thing works for you. If you're mind (or heart or a combination of both) doesn't like that idea, maybe just friends doesn't work. Or maybe you like to explore to see if it does work. And, if that's true, explore.
So, I end without answering the question. Instead, one word: explore. Even if it's not necessarily what you usually do. You're bound to learn a thing or two along the way.
Love freely,
tY
Can men and women JUST be friends?
Wait, wait, gotta rephrase that for the sake of argument.
Can heterosexual men and women just be friends?
Not discriminating at all but there has to be some sexual interest here.
It's a question people have pondered for ages. It's a question people thought they knew the answer to until their best friend broke their heart. It's a question people thought they knew the answer to until their friend of six years confessed their undying affection and they felt nothing in return. It's a question that will continue to perplex us. We will try to make our own conclusions, arrive at our own answers, and then be completely caught off guard at some point in our life. I won't be able to answer it in the words of this blog...but the point of my posts is never to answer questions...it's to raise them. You make up the rest.
My teeny tiny bit of personal experience says this: I have a few good guy friends.
My teeny tiny bit of personal experience ALSO says this: With these guys, a physical interest (and perhaps elaboration of that...) existed at some point.
Don't get it twisted, these are the REALLY good guy friends. The ones whom I know I can count on if I'm in a rut or wanting to laugh...that kind of thing. Sure, I'm friends with guys I sit next to in class or work with but they are more so associates. The ones who are actual friends are ones who I can honestly say there's been something physical with at some point. And for me, that, in the end, has only strengthened the friendship. Curiosity killed the cat but apparently it revived the friendship. It's just kind of like "OK, we went there, saw what it was, and saw we are way better as friends. Let's be that."
Again, this isn't a diary though so there's my personal gush until whenever.
The ability to maintain a strictly platonic friendship with a member of the opposite sex doesn't require any sort of personality; it simply depends on your view of relationships and by relationships I mean anything...romantic, platonic, etc. If you separate the friendly from the flirty without any blurry lines, the friends thing works for you. If you're mind (or heart or a combination of both) doesn't like that idea, maybe just friends doesn't work. Or maybe you like to explore to see if it does work. And, if that's true, explore.
So, I end without answering the question. Instead, one word: explore. Even if it's not necessarily what you usually do. You're bound to learn a thing or two along the way.
Love freely,
tY
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Bad boys, bad boys, what you gonna do?
So, askmen.com just became my new best friend.
http://www.askmen.com/dating/curtsmith_100/126_dating_advice.html
According to askmen.com, a bad boy "exudes untamed masculinity, independence and confidence. To women, these traits -- especially confidence -- are an aphrodisiac. The problem is, in the hands of the Bad Boy, confidence becomes selfish arrogance. But women are responding to guys like this on a purely elemental, emotional level."
If you've never dated a bad boy, you would probably be lying if you said you were never a) attracted to one and/or b) fooled around with one.
The bad boy image is easily recognizable...askmen.com put it best when they said, "untamed masculinity, independence, and confidence.' Untamed...wow, I just love that word. It's the perfect way to describe it. Masculinity, independence, and confidence are traits women desire in men but when there's no ceiling to these characteristics, there's a glaring problem.
The bad boy comes in many forms...musicians, jocks, and Wall Street execs just to name a few of the stereotypical ones. Unfortunately, men aren't the only ones who can't think with both parts of their body at the same time. Women, too, can recognize these personality flaws but soon become puddy in the hands of a bad boy. However, it's not purely physical for women; in fact, it's probably more emotional for women. Why?
WOMEN WANT TO BE THE GIRL WHO CHANGES THE GUY.
http://www.askmen.com/dating/curtsmith_100/126_dating_advice.html
According to askmen.com, a bad boy "exudes untamed masculinity, independence and confidence. To women, these traits -- especially confidence -- are an aphrodisiac. The problem is, in the hands of the Bad Boy, confidence becomes selfish arrogance. But women are responding to guys like this on a purely elemental, emotional level."
If you've never dated a bad boy, you would probably be lying if you said you were never a) attracted to one and/or b) fooled around with one.
The bad boy image is easily recognizable...askmen.com put it best when they said, "untamed masculinity, independence, and confidence.' Untamed...wow, I just love that word. It's the perfect way to describe it. Masculinity, independence, and confidence are traits women desire in men but when there's no ceiling to these characteristics, there's a glaring problem.
The bad boy comes in many forms...musicians, jocks, and Wall Street execs just to name a few of the stereotypical ones. Unfortunately, men aren't the only ones who can't think with both parts of their body at the same time. Women, too, can recognize these personality flaws but soon become puddy in the hands of a bad boy. However, it's not purely physical for women; in fact, it's probably more emotional for women. Why?
WOMEN WANT TO BE THE GIRL WHO CHANGES THE GUY.
There may be euphemisms for this (i.e "bring out the best in him") but essentially, women, too, have egos. And, while this may not necessarily be an issues of egos, when a guy changes for a woman or because of a certain woman, it's a sign of undying affection through sacrifice. And, of course, every person desires that undying affection.
Unfortunately, what usually ends up happening is that the women puts in an ungodly amount of time and effort only for the man to maintain his bad boy ways. Here's the key: people change because they want to change. And, permanent change is usually the result of self-reflection. Yes, there are other people who are important to us who make us want to change. But, we have to want to change for ourselves, not for the approval of someone else. For a "bad boy" to find that place where HE wants to be confident yet vulnerable, masculine yet sensitive, and independent yet open-minded is difficult and at times, nearly impossible.
Messing around with a "bad boy" can be very tempting and incredibly sexy. But, before you go there, make sure you're up for a purely good time that will result in absolutely nothing. And, it is my knowledge, that woman can talk that game but they usually can't play it.
Love freely,
tY
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
For the poet in you...
My blog is almost a month old and I absolutely love writing my posts. Thanks to everyone for reading and giving me feedback, I appreciate it so much! Also, to every person, whether they know it or not, who has inspired anything in my posts, thanks. This is something that went from being just a little fun thing to do on the side to something I'm super passionate about so thank you!!!
For those who know me, writing is my therapy. So, today I'm taking a blog break (I think I'm going to incorporate these "blog breaks" from time to time now just to add some flavor) and publishing a poem I wrote quite some time ago. I think a lot of the words in the poem speak to a series of different situations that everyone has faced at some point. Sit back, relax, and enjoy.
he came to school with all of the answers
and he never expected to meet her
so when fate put the two of them together
their lives became an amorphous and dreamy blur
she wanted to respect his wishes and just be her
because she didn't want to be one of those clingy and needy girls
so they played a never ending game of cat and mouse
till before they knew it, his hands were under her blouse
in between bouts of amazing conversation
they gazed and kissed brought one another a high level of elation
as they battled what they wanted, what they needed, and the inevitable motion of fate
he knew he didn't want commitment, so she figured she could still appreciate him, even if there was never a date
because she knew she wouldn't change him but her heart moved too quick
making reckless and thoughtless turns when she knew the rules were very strict
and so what went from being late night lyrical conversations
turned into chaotic and emotion wrecked sensations
he knew his interests would be fleeting
but when she finally realized that, to her, he suddenly seemed viciously misleading
when he didn't want to talk, she labeled him as mean
when really they were both freaking out because things were becoming too routine
he told her from day one he could never bring himself to be the a hole
yet he was able to just up and leave after taking one glimpse into her soul
there was something about him she knew she wouldn't let go
but she couldn't speak, couldn't make a move because of her ego
they went from hours of gazing to not being able to look in each other's face
went from hour long sessions of kissing to not even thinking about sharing an embrace
they went from amazing friends to total strangers
because with emotion comes uncertainty, fright, and danger
he told her he couldn't lie, he said, "it just isn't me"
but he never told her that within their friendship, there was no reciprocity
she misses him but that's something she can't admit
because realizing that he meant something makes her is a shameful and inevitable hit
she's supposed to be unreachable, untouchable, kind of the way he was
she's supposed to be able to blow off people just because
he's using his school work as a pretty good excuse
but she sees straight through him so they both no it's no use
and she wonders who's the girl who now captured his attention
and will she be able to stay around long enough to capture his affection
because the next girl could be in the same position
as he goes out and steals hearts as if he's on some kind of mission
if she tries to change his attitude, those chances are very slim
because there's something divine yet sadly unbreakable about him
something in her heart told her if it was right, fate would intervene
and allow them not to be friends, not to be lovers, but something beautifully in between
he's still making her life a dreamy and confusing blur
because he touched something new and soulful inside of her
Love freely,
tY
For those who know me, writing is my therapy. So, today I'm taking a blog break (I think I'm going to incorporate these "blog breaks" from time to time now just to add some flavor) and publishing a poem I wrote quite some time ago. I think a lot of the words in the poem speak to a series of different situations that everyone has faced at some point. Sit back, relax, and enjoy.
he came to school with all of the answers
and he never expected to meet her
so when fate put the two of them together
their lives became an amorphous and dreamy blur
she wanted to respect his wishes and just be her
because she didn't want to be one of those clingy and needy girls
so they played a never ending game of cat and mouse
till before they knew it, his hands were under her blouse
in between bouts of amazing conversation
they gazed and kissed brought one another a high level of elation
as they battled what they wanted, what they needed, and the inevitable motion of fate
he knew he didn't want commitment, so she figured she could still appreciate him, even if there was never a date
because she knew she wouldn't change him but her heart moved too quick
making reckless and thoughtless turns when she knew the rules were very strict
and so what went from being late night lyrical conversations
turned into chaotic and emotion wrecked sensations
he knew his interests would be fleeting
but when she finally realized that, to her, he suddenly seemed viciously misleading
when he didn't want to talk, she labeled him as mean
when really they were both freaking out because things were becoming too routine
he told her from day one he could never bring himself to be the a hole
yet he was able to just up and leave after taking one glimpse into her soul
there was something about him she knew she wouldn't let go
but she couldn't speak, couldn't make a move because of her ego
they went from hours of gazing to not being able to look in each other's face
went from hour long sessions of kissing to not even thinking about sharing an embrace
they went from amazing friends to total strangers
because with emotion comes uncertainty, fright, and danger
he told her he couldn't lie, he said, "it just isn't me"
but he never told her that within their friendship, there was no reciprocity
she misses him but that's something she can't admit
because realizing that he meant something makes her is a shameful and inevitable hit
she's supposed to be unreachable, untouchable, kind of the way he was
she's supposed to be able to blow off people just because
he's using his school work as a pretty good excuse
but she sees straight through him so they both no it's no use
and she wonders who's the girl who now captured his attention
and will she be able to stay around long enough to capture his affection
because the next girl could be in the same position
as he goes out and steals hearts as if he's on some kind of mission
if she tries to change his attitude, those chances are very slim
because there's something divine yet sadly unbreakable about him
something in her heart told her if it was right, fate would intervene
and allow them not to be friends, not to be lovers, but something beautifully in between
he's still making her life a dreamy and confusing blur
because he touched something new and soulful inside of her
Love freely,
tY
Monday, March 16, 2009
The ultimate say
If no one has ever told you "I want to be with you, BUT..." I am pretty convinced you're not living on planet Earth.
Today, a friend and I had an interesting conversation that resulted in both of us realizing we have the opposite dilemma: she was once told she's "wife" material but right now she can't be in a relationship and I was once told I'm not even ready to be in a relationship. She's too great for relationships and I'm not good enough.
Usually I refrain from divulging details about my personal love life in my entries because I don't want to seem biased but for the purposes of today's entry I have made a special exception (with the above statement.)
Anyway, here's the question. What qualifies being ready for a relationship and who, exactly, is allowed to make those decisions for us?
Being in a relationship is like having a child. You are handed something without any instruction manual. Experts may try to enlighten you with books or editorials but essentially, you have forge your own path.
There's no equation for being ready for a relationship (or not ready for that matter.) If you find the right person who makes you want to sacrifice and devote yourself selflessly, wouldn't that constitute being ready? And, despite what another person may think, shouldn't YOU be the one to decide whether or not you're ready for something? Or, in the case of my friend, shouldn't YOU decide what kind of "material" you are?
When other people make those types of decisions for us, they implant ideas in our heads that can reverberate for a long time. Because one person who we really cared about decided we were "wife" material or not prepared to be in a relationship, we suddenly carry those ideas into our next fling or crush or relationship. Then, we're immobile. We start believing we're "bad" at relationships when, really, what makes a person bad at a relationship in the first place? (another post entirely, I suppose, but a valid question to raise for the sake of argument.)
The next time someone tells you what you are or are not ready for, respect their opinion and keep it moving (and tell them to keep it moving while you're at it.) Only you can decide what you're prepared for in life and while others may provide insight, YOU have the ultimate say.
Love freely,
tY
Today, a friend and I had an interesting conversation that resulted in both of us realizing we have the opposite dilemma: she was once told she's "wife" material but right now she can't be in a relationship and I was once told I'm not even ready to be in a relationship. She's too great for relationships and I'm not good enough.
Usually I refrain from divulging details about my personal love life in my entries because I don't want to seem biased but for the purposes of today's entry I have made a special exception (with the above statement.)
Anyway, here's the question. What qualifies being ready for a relationship and who, exactly, is allowed to make those decisions for us?
Being in a relationship is like having a child. You are handed something without any instruction manual. Experts may try to enlighten you with books or editorials but essentially, you have forge your own path.
There's no equation for being ready for a relationship (or not ready for that matter.) If you find the right person who makes you want to sacrifice and devote yourself selflessly, wouldn't that constitute being ready? And, despite what another person may think, shouldn't YOU be the one to decide whether or not you're ready for something? Or, in the case of my friend, shouldn't YOU decide what kind of "material" you are?
When other people make those types of decisions for us, they implant ideas in our heads that can reverberate for a long time. Because one person who we really cared about decided we were "wife" material or not prepared to be in a relationship, we suddenly carry those ideas into our next fling or crush or relationship. Then, we're immobile. We start believing we're "bad" at relationships when, really, what makes a person bad at a relationship in the first place? (another post entirely, I suppose, but a valid question to raise for the sake of argument.)
The next time someone tells you what you are or are not ready for, respect their opinion and keep it moving (and tell them to keep it moving while you're at it.) Only you can decide what you're prepared for in life and while others may provide insight, YOU have the ultimate say.
Love freely,
tY
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Love in this Club
As previously stated a few entries ago, I pull inspiration for my posts from all sources. So, while doing a little booty shaking Saturday night at a club in DC and watching my female peers engage in some extra curricular activities of their own, you can only imagine that my latest blog entry was handed to me on a silver platter.
I enjoy providing stats to back up my ideas so I googled, "percentage of people who meet at clubs." No search result even came close to answering my question. So, I tried, "percentage of people who meet at bars." Again, no answer. Maybe I should delete "who" or "at" from my search query?
Since I couldn't find a stat, I'm just going to say most people don't go to clubs or bars searching for their soul mate. It's virtually impossible. What are you going to do, have a meaningful conversation while "Swagga Like Us" blasts at record high decibels? A few of the girls I saw last night were obviously not looking for relationships. But, it also saddened me that they weren't looking for respect.
I looked over at one girl bent over with her shoes OFF (this is another problem entirely; unfortunately this isn't a blog about personal hygiene.) I turn in another direction and I get a full view of a girl's white underwear under a little black dress while she's dancing. Where do we draw the line between having fun and respecting ourselves?
No, I am by no means playing God on this one because I, too, have busted a few dance moves that my mama would not be proud of (or maybe she would, I'm not sure, my mom was once a pretty cool lady.) I've also donned a few outfits that left little to the imagination. I go out to have a good time, not to find someone who is going to cherish me from now until forever. But, self-respect is a constant thing. And, if you're wondering what self-respect has to do with relationships, here's your answer: the messages we send determine the messages we receive. You may not be looking for your soul mate in the club but what if, just what if, a decent guy looks your way in hopes of speaking to you and you're bent over, shoes off, and underwear out? Is your behavior an anomaly because you're out and having fun or do you really just not care about how you represent yourself? Chances are "expectant guy" will not know and thus, will not give you the benefit of the doubt.
You can have fun without showing me your hoo ha. (or "britney" or however else you want to refer to your nether regions.) I have my own to look at, thank you very much. The most fun I had on Saturday night was when my girls and I miraculously found an empty corner and rocked out to a club mix. No bumping, no grinding, no guys, no exposed undies. Just a legitimately good time.
Maybe I should be thankful for those girls. Then, I don't have guys harassing me and wondering why my lovely white panties aren't showing.
Love freely,
tY
I enjoy providing stats to back up my ideas so I googled, "percentage of people who meet at clubs." No search result even came close to answering my question. So, I tried, "percentage of people who meet at bars." Again, no answer. Maybe I should delete "who" or "at" from my search query?
Since I couldn't find a stat, I'm just going to say most people don't go to clubs or bars searching for their soul mate. It's virtually impossible. What are you going to do, have a meaningful conversation while "Swagga Like Us" blasts at record high decibels? A few of the girls I saw last night were obviously not looking for relationships. But, it also saddened me that they weren't looking for respect.
I looked over at one girl bent over with her shoes OFF (this is another problem entirely; unfortunately this isn't a blog about personal hygiene.) I turn in another direction and I get a full view of a girl's white underwear under a little black dress while she's dancing. Where do we draw the line between having fun and respecting ourselves?
No, I am by no means playing God on this one because I, too, have busted a few dance moves that my mama would not be proud of (or maybe she would, I'm not sure, my mom was once a pretty cool lady.) I've also donned a few outfits that left little to the imagination. I go out to have a good time, not to find someone who is going to cherish me from now until forever. But, self-respect is a constant thing. And, if you're wondering what self-respect has to do with relationships, here's your answer: the messages we send determine the messages we receive. You may not be looking for your soul mate in the club but what if, just what if, a decent guy looks your way in hopes of speaking to you and you're bent over, shoes off, and underwear out? Is your behavior an anomaly because you're out and having fun or do you really just not care about how you represent yourself? Chances are "expectant guy" will not know and thus, will not give you the benefit of the doubt.
You can have fun without showing me your hoo ha. (or "britney" or however else you want to refer to your nether regions.) I have my own to look at, thank you very much. The most fun I had on Saturday night was when my girls and I miraculously found an empty corner and rocked out to a club mix. No bumping, no grinding, no guys, no exposed undies. Just a legitimately good time.
Maybe I should be thankful for those girls. Then, I don't have guys harassing me and wondering why my lovely white panties aren't showing.
Love freely,
tY
Thursday, March 12, 2009
stereoTYPES
Finding a compatible mate is like finding the perfect pair of jeans.
We all have types of jeans that we prefer wearing over others--skinny, high-waisted, low-rise, whatever. And, typically when we shop for jeans, we gravitate toward the type of jeans we like. I personally am a fan of skinnys. But, my favorite pair of jeans, the ones that hug my booty just right and can be worn when I want to bum out or when I want to dress up, are a simple pair of sevens I've had for years.
However, if I exclusively wore skinny jeans, I would've never discovered the beauty of these sevens.
So, apply "jeans theory" to people.
Many times, we hear guys and girls alike complain, "yeah, they're cool, they're just not my type." And, with those eight words, they write a person off because of a superficial list of prerequisites when really, that person who they just claimed wasn't their type could've been their soul mate.
What is a type, anyway? I presume it has to do with a person's appearance because people can usually qualify from a first glance whether someone is their type or not. However, all this does is limit us. If someone has the attached body part that you desire, give them a shot. Forget these assumptions about the fact that only a guy in tight jeans with a rocker tee or a girl with long brown hair is the one for you. My experience has been that the guys I've connected with most are the ones who defied my "type" and with that, I stopped having a type.
And, if you have a "personality type" that you look for, most definitely cut that out now. It's FINE to know what personality is compatible with yours but you won't really know if a person's personality works with yours UNTIL you give them a chance. If you write them off because of something you heard or one thing they did, again, you're only cheating yourself. If you want to spend the next 50 years of your life looking for the nonexistent clone of your ideal mate, then, by all means, have a "personality type."
Or maybe mates are like ice cream. You can try different flavors but you'll never get enough. And, maybe you've been eating strawberry for years but then you stumble upon mint chocolate chip and realize what you've been missing.
Love freely,
tY
We all have types of jeans that we prefer wearing over others--skinny, high-waisted, low-rise, whatever. And, typically when we shop for jeans, we gravitate toward the type of jeans we like. I personally am a fan of skinnys. But, my favorite pair of jeans, the ones that hug my booty just right and can be worn when I want to bum out or when I want to dress up, are a simple pair of sevens I've had for years.
However, if I exclusively wore skinny jeans, I would've never discovered the beauty of these sevens.
So, apply "jeans theory" to people.
Many times, we hear guys and girls alike complain, "yeah, they're cool, they're just not my type." And, with those eight words, they write a person off because of a superficial list of prerequisites when really, that person who they just claimed wasn't their type could've been their soul mate.
What is a type, anyway? I presume it has to do with a person's appearance because people can usually qualify from a first glance whether someone is their type or not. However, all this does is limit us. If someone has the attached body part that you desire, give them a shot. Forget these assumptions about the fact that only a guy in tight jeans with a rocker tee or a girl with long brown hair is the one for you. My experience has been that the guys I've connected with most are the ones who defied my "type" and with that, I stopped having a type.
And, if you have a "personality type" that you look for, most definitely cut that out now. It's FINE to know what personality is compatible with yours but you won't really know if a person's personality works with yours UNTIL you give them a chance. If you write them off because of something you heard or one thing they did, again, you're only cheating yourself. If you want to spend the next 50 years of your life looking for the nonexistent clone of your ideal mate, then, by all means, have a "personality type."
Or maybe mates are like ice cream. You can try different flavors but you'll never get enough. And, maybe you've been eating strawberry for years but then you stumble upon mint chocolate chip and realize what you've been missing.
Love freely,
tY
Sunday, March 8, 2009
How much is too much?
You know her.
The girl who inserts her boyfriend's name into every other sentence, sometimes simply because she likes hearing it.
The girl who divulges every detail of her personal life as if it's somehow benefiting your existence.
You know her and you want to destroy her.
Alright, that was a little cynical. Let me lighten the mood.
Being in love is one of the sweetest gifts life has to offer. And, when we're in love, we're giddy and excited. It's only natural to want to share that happiness with the people around us and to a CERTAIN EXTENT, that is absolutely fine. It's exciting for the people who love you and care about you to see you happy.
Oh, you know there's a "but" coming.
However, telling someone about all of the pet names your boyfriend has given you or how much you're just dying to be cuddled up next to him is not you sharing excitement, it's you be annoying. Pretty plain and simple. Telling someone about the kiss on your forehead that he gave you in the middle of the night is not only annoying; it's a disservice to your significant other. The small moments the two of you share are like an inside joke: they should only be for the two of you. Only the two of you should understand them and when you choose to share those small intimate moments with another person, you suddenly diminish the value of what took place. People have stories to tell about one night stands or random hookups. An important moment that you and your beau (yes, I did say beau. I love that word) share is not a story. It's something special that deserves respect.
So, respect the people around you and respect your relationship enough to filter the comments you make about it. Personally, I like for the things that people tell me to SOMEHOW add to my life whether it's making me laugh or informing me or making me think or anything like that. Telling me that you love it when your boyfriend calls you "boobear" is not adding to my life. In fact, it's severely detracting from it.
You know her. So, next time she inserts his name into a conversation about how much homework you have (or something else that has absolutely nothing to do with him), stop her.
Also,
I hope you're not her.
Love freely,
tY
The girl who inserts her boyfriend's name into every other sentence, sometimes simply because she likes hearing it.
The girl who divulges every detail of her personal life as if it's somehow benefiting your existence.
You know her and you want to destroy her.
Alright, that was a little cynical. Let me lighten the mood.
Being in love is one of the sweetest gifts life has to offer. And, when we're in love, we're giddy and excited. It's only natural to want to share that happiness with the people around us and to a CERTAIN EXTENT, that is absolutely fine. It's exciting for the people who love you and care about you to see you happy.
Oh, you know there's a "but" coming.
However, telling someone about all of the pet names your boyfriend has given you or how much you're just dying to be cuddled up next to him is not you sharing excitement, it's you be annoying. Pretty plain and simple. Telling someone about the kiss on your forehead that he gave you in the middle of the night is not only annoying; it's a disservice to your significant other. The small moments the two of you share are like an inside joke: they should only be for the two of you. Only the two of you should understand them and when you choose to share those small intimate moments with another person, you suddenly diminish the value of what took place. People have stories to tell about one night stands or random hookups. An important moment that you and your beau (yes, I did say beau. I love that word) share is not a story. It's something special that deserves respect.
So, respect the people around you and respect your relationship enough to filter the comments you make about it. Personally, I like for the things that people tell me to SOMEHOW add to my life whether it's making me laugh or informing me or making me think or anything like that. Telling me that you love it when your boyfriend calls you "boobear" is not adding to my life. In fact, it's severely detracting from it.
You know her. So, next time she inserts his name into a conversation about how much homework you have (or something else that has absolutely nothing to do with him), stop her.
Also,
I hope you're not her.
Love freely,
tY
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Cold Heart Syndrome
Heartbreak is an inevitable part of life.
Everyone has opened up to another person and shared their vulnerabilities, only to eventually depart from that person. Sometimes the departure is gradual, sometime it's abrupt, sometimes it's shocking, other times it's expected. Nonetheless, heartbreak is a part of relationships that we all have to experience. If you've never experienced heartbreak, then you've either a) never been in a relationship or b) never fully opened up to a person and been completely vulnerable with them. The first one is understandable but the second one isn't really excusable.
So, what happens in life post heartbreak?
After opening up to someone and sharing your most intimate thoughts and feelings only to have the relationship with that person end, it is difficult if not nearly impossible to trust another person with those same things. It's easy for the "heartbreakee" to shut themselves off from vulnerability and openness and opt for a life of distrust and skepticism. A thin layer of ice forms over their heart and only hardens with time. This way they can be certain that they never experience the same heartbreak that they've experienced before.
However, if a person chooses to guard themselves and never experience heartbreak, they also implicitly opt to guard themselves from opening up to another person and eventually falling head over heels in love.
OK, I'm not a sellout or hopeless romantic. I also do NOT advise being naive and always giving people the benefit of the doubt. However, I do believe finding a balance between being open and being aware. Not every person you meet will have your best interest at heart. And, you will also find that even people who do have honest intentions and want the best for you are not always the best for you. And, maybe, those are the most telling heartbreaks of all. The ones where we can just write the person off as a "bad" person only attributes the heartbreak to them. But, when we meet a legitimately good person who just isn't good for us, we learn that everyone is simply searching for a flawless love with a flawed person.
The guy at the club who is suddenly interested in speaking to you because of your little black dress, stunning legs, and 4 inch heels probably doesn't have your best interest at heart. Don't give him the benefit of the doubt; keep it moving. But, the guy who wants to be your friend and knows he just can't be your boyfriend isn't a bad person. He just wants the best for you and knows that he's not it.
The weeping, regret, and pain accompanied with heartbreak are nearly unbearable. But, the joy, openness, and exuberance accompanied with true love make up for it.
Don't shut yourself off. In the words of my signature sign off, love freely.
Love freely,
tY
Everyone has opened up to another person and shared their vulnerabilities, only to eventually depart from that person. Sometimes the departure is gradual, sometime it's abrupt, sometimes it's shocking, other times it's expected. Nonetheless, heartbreak is a part of relationships that we all have to experience. If you've never experienced heartbreak, then you've either a) never been in a relationship or b) never fully opened up to a person and been completely vulnerable with them. The first one is understandable but the second one isn't really excusable.
So, what happens in life post heartbreak?
After opening up to someone and sharing your most intimate thoughts and feelings only to have the relationship with that person end, it is difficult if not nearly impossible to trust another person with those same things. It's easy for the "heartbreakee" to shut themselves off from vulnerability and openness and opt for a life of distrust and skepticism. A thin layer of ice forms over their heart and only hardens with time. This way they can be certain that they never experience the same heartbreak that they've experienced before.
However, if a person chooses to guard themselves and never experience heartbreak, they also implicitly opt to guard themselves from opening up to another person and eventually falling head over heels in love.
OK, I'm not a sellout or hopeless romantic. I also do NOT advise being naive and always giving people the benefit of the doubt. However, I do believe finding a balance between being open and being aware. Not every person you meet will have your best interest at heart. And, you will also find that even people who do have honest intentions and want the best for you are not always the best for you. And, maybe, those are the most telling heartbreaks of all. The ones where we can just write the person off as a "bad" person only attributes the heartbreak to them. But, when we meet a legitimately good person who just isn't good for us, we learn that everyone is simply searching for a flawless love with a flawed person.
The guy at the club who is suddenly interested in speaking to you because of your little black dress, stunning legs, and 4 inch heels probably doesn't have your best interest at heart. Don't give him the benefit of the doubt; keep it moving. But, the guy who wants to be your friend and knows he just can't be your boyfriend isn't a bad person. He just wants the best for you and knows that he's not it.
The weeping, regret, and pain accompanied with heartbreak are nearly unbearable. But, the joy, openness, and exuberance accompanied with true love make up for it.
Don't shut yourself off. In the words of my signature sign off, love freely.
Love freely,
tY
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Now I ain't sayin she a goldigger...
http://dabagirls.wordpress.com/
^read it. and weep.
There are some things in this world that I have zero tolerance for. Women who rely on men for money and other luxuries is one of those things.
Here's the intro to the daba girls blog:
"Are you or someone you love dating a banker? If so, we are here to support you through these difficult times. Dating A Banker Anonymous (DABA) is a safe place where women can come together – free from the scrutiny of feminists– and share their tearful tales of how the mortgage meltdown has affected their relationships."
Unfortunately, daba girls, you are not free from the scrutiny of Tyece.
The women on this blog complain about the most trivial things ranging from their valentine's day gifts (one women complained about how she got foul weather gear for a YACHT trip) to cutting down on expenses until the recession ends.
There are many choice words I could use to describe these women but for the purposes of this blog, I am going to say they are selfish and co-dependent. This isn't a blog about the economy but anyone who is living and breathing knows that if you are able to even take yacht trips during these turbulent times, chances are your life isn't really worth lamenting about. Maybe, daba girls, when you find yourselves begging for student loans to finance the education you've always hoped for, believe you deserve, and can suddenly no longer pay for or you and your family are homeless on the street because you got laid off from your job, THEN you can dedicate a blog to complaining about the economy. Just a thought. But, I digress.
For the purposes of freelove, my problem with these women stems from the fact that I'm almost 100% positive that they would have next to nothing if it weren't for the men who pay for everything from their panties to their pedis. It's perfectly OK for your significant other to indulge and spoil you. But, when it's obvious that you could never create that kind of life for yourself, then we have a problem. And, the fact that these women refer to their significant others as their "FBFs" or "finance boyfriends" also makes my skin crawl. Why can't he just be your boyfriend? What does he prestigious Wall Street job have to do with who he is as a person?
Obviously, the daba girls blog is exaggerated. Nonetheless, there are millions of women who rely solely on their men to sustain a comfortable existence. Why? If you want a guy who is wealthy and well off, fine. But, YOU need to be wealthy and well off, too. Expecting someone to indulge our luxuries is foolish, self-centered, and low class.
Make your own cash. End of story.
Love freely,
tY
^read it. and weep.
There are some things in this world that I have zero tolerance for. Women who rely on men for money and other luxuries is one of those things.
Here's the intro to the daba girls blog:
"Are you or someone you love dating a banker? If so, we are here to support you through these difficult times. Dating A Banker Anonymous (DABA) is a safe place where women can come together – free from the scrutiny of feminists– and share their tearful tales of how the mortgage meltdown has affected their relationships."
Unfortunately, daba girls, you are not free from the scrutiny of Tyece.
The women on this blog complain about the most trivial things ranging from their valentine's day gifts (one women complained about how she got foul weather gear for a YACHT trip) to cutting down on expenses until the recession ends.
There are many choice words I could use to describe these women but for the purposes of this blog, I am going to say they are selfish and co-dependent. This isn't a blog about the economy but anyone who is living and breathing knows that if you are able to even take yacht trips during these turbulent times, chances are your life isn't really worth lamenting about. Maybe, daba girls, when you find yourselves begging for student loans to finance the education you've always hoped for, believe you deserve, and can suddenly no longer pay for or you and your family are homeless on the street because you got laid off from your job, THEN you can dedicate a blog to complaining about the economy. Just a thought. But, I digress.
For the purposes of freelove, my problem with these women stems from the fact that I'm almost 100% positive that they would have next to nothing if it weren't for the men who pay for everything from their panties to their pedis. It's perfectly OK for your significant other to indulge and spoil you. But, when it's obvious that you could never create that kind of life for yourself, then we have a problem. And, the fact that these women refer to their significant others as their "FBFs" or "finance boyfriends" also makes my skin crawl. Why can't he just be your boyfriend? What does he prestigious Wall Street job have to do with who he is as a person?
Obviously, the daba girls blog is exaggerated. Nonetheless, there are millions of women who rely solely on their men to sustain a comfortable existence. Why? If you want a guy who is wealthy and well off, fine. But, YOU need to be wealthy and well off, too. Expecting someone to indulge our luxuries is foolish, self-centered, and low class.
Make your own cash. End of story.
Love freely,
tY
Monday, March 2, 2009
relationship niche
Life is about finding your niche. In school, in the workplace, in your family...you're always trying to find where you fit in and stick with it.
So, I'm going to argue that there is such a thing as a relationship niche.
Get that confused look off your face and allow me to explain.
This doesn't have to do with where you actually fit in a relationship but more so where you fit in the world of relationships.
Some women have a knack for being girlfriends. (Some men also have knacks for being boyfriends but for the sake of this argument I'm going to stick with women.) You can look at them and tell that they were made to fit perfectly under a guy's arm, listen to a man's concerns, and be there for their significant other without being clingy or overbearing. These women were designed to have a boyfriend so it's no surprise that they are usually in a relationship.
Other women have a knack for being single. They were designed to live independently, enjoy their lives without wanting the comfort or affection of another person, and casually date without always looking for a perfect ending.
It's important to know where your relationship niche is because relationships are an essential part of life. Who we are inside and outside of relationships says a lot about us. Neither niche is better than the other. Both niches have social stigmas that go along with them: girls who are always in relationships are considered co-dependent, girls who are never in relationships are considered unprepared or immature for actual relationships. Tell society to go kick rocks.
It's OK to know where you stand and to not be afraid to enjoy that place. However, during the course of your life, you will be in both of these places at some point. It's OK to get pulled out of your comfort zone. If you're the girl who has had a boyfriend since age 14 and you suddenly find yourself single after a string of relationships, don't be afraid to own up to that and embrace whatever it means to be single (defining "single" is another post entirely...) If you're the girl who has sworn off relationships and you suddenly find the right person who makes you want to settle down, don't be afraid to be a girlfriend.
Here's to all my single ladies...and not-so-single-ladies, too.
Love freely,
tY
So, I'm going to argue that there is such a thing as a relationship niche.
Get that confused look off your face and allow me to explain.
This doesn't have to do with where you actually fit in a relationship but more so where you fit in the world of relationships.
Some women have a knack for being girlfriends. (Some men also have knacks for being boyfriends but for the sake of this argument I'm going to stick with women.) You can look at them and tell that they were made to fit perfectly under a guy's arm, listen to a man's concerns, and be there for their significant other without being clingy or overbearing. These women were designed to have a boyfriend so it's no surprise that they are usually in a relationship.
Other women have a knack for being single. They were designed to live independently, enjoy their lives without wanting the comfort or affection of another person, and casually date without always looking for a perfect ending.
It's important to know where your relationship niche is because relationships are an essential part of life. Who we are inside and outside of relationships says a lot about us. Neither niche is better than the other. Both niches have social stigmas that go along with them: girls who are always in relationships are considered co-dependent, girls who are never in relationships are considered unprepared or immature for actual relationships. Tell society to go kick rocks.
It's OK to know where you stand and to not be afraid to enjoy that place. However, during the course of your life, you will be in both of these places at some point. It's OK to get pulled out of your comfort zone. If you're the girl who has had a boyfriend since age 14 and you suddenly find yourself single after a string of relationships, don't be afraid to own up to that and embrace whatever it means to be single (defining "single" is another post entirely...) If you're the girl who has sworn off relationships and you suddenly find the right person who makes you want to settle down, don't be afraid to be a girlfriend.
Here's to all my single ladies...and not-so-single-ladies, too.
Love freely,
tY
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Flowery Apologies
Roses are red
violets are blue
but are flowers enough
to say sorry to you?
I pull inspiration for my posts from pretty much anything ranging from my short list of life experiences to couples I see during the day to random thoughts spurred by daydreams in the middle of class. So after I asked a guy with red roses in his hand today who he was trying impress and he replied "not impress, apologize to," I secretly thanked him for inspiring today's post.
If you've ever been in a relationship, you know there will come a time when no matter how stubborn of a person you are, you will have to set your pride aside and apologize. It's one of the hardest things in the world to do because as humans, we like to believe that we are good and usually right. Admitting our faults, especially to someone who often times admires us, is nearly impossible. Nonetheless, we will call someone out of their name, hang up the phone, instigate an argument, or do something else that merits an apology.
Movies and other media teach us that when a guy apologizes with a bouquet of roses in hand, he REALLY means it. No matter what the offense, we are supposed to surrender and accept the apology because LOOK he bought flowers. Roses themselves are not merely flowers; they are a social construction of love. But, I digress.
Later on, I saw the same guy who inspired today's post without the flowers and with a smile on his face. Whatever his offense, he got off, scot free. My only hope is that he knows IF the flowers thing works, it only works for your first offense, buddy. Next time, roses probably won't do.
It's ludicrous to expect a bouquet of flowers to speak for you. Flowers can make a woman swoon if her boyfriend drops them off in the middle of the day unannounced. But, as far as an apology goes, the only time a woman should swoon is when the offender is sincere, genuine, and humble. The best apologies are the ones that a person ponders over for hours or even days and then looks you in the eyes and says two words: "I'm sorry." Heartfelt apologies are just that: heartfelt. Your heart knows when it's real.
So if you're a guy, don't fall for the flowers trick. If you can't apologize by yourself, don't apologize at all. And, if you're a girl, also don't fall for the flowers trick. Accept them (because I always encourage politeness) but tell him that a sincere apology without any ornaments is what you really want. And, whatever you do, DON'T swoon (OK, maybe swoon secretly but only for a nanosecond.)
Roses are red
violets are blue
but neither one of these things
will ever say sorry for you.
violets are blue
but are flowers enough
to say sorry to you?
I pull inspiration for my posts from pretty much anything ranging from my short list of life experiences to couples I see during the day to random thoughts spurred by daydreams in the middle of class. So after I asked a guy with red roses in his hand today who he was trying impress and he replied "not impress, apologize to," I secretly thanked him for inspiring today's post.
If you've ever been in a relationship, you know there will come a time when no matter how stubborn of a person you are, you will have to set your pride aside and apologize. It's one of the hardest things in the world to do because as humans, we like to believe that we are good and usually right. Admitting our faults, especially to someone who often times admires us, is nearly impossible. Nonetheless, we will call someone out of their name, hang up the phone, instigate an argument, or do something else that merits an apology.
Movies and other media teach us that when a guy apologizes with a bouquet of roses in hand, he REALLY means it. No matter what the offense, we are supposed to surrender and accept the apology because LOOK he bought flowers. Roses themselves are not merely flowers; they are a social construction of love. But, I digress.
Later on, I saw the same guy who inspired today's post without the flowers and with a smile on his face. Whatever his offense, he got off, scot free. My only hope is that he knows IF the flowers thing works, it only works for your first offense, buddy. Next time, roses probably won't do.
It's ludicrous to expect a bouquet of flowers to speak for you. Flowers can make a woman swoon if her boyfriend drops them off in the middle of the day unannounced. But, as far as an apology goes, the only time a woman should swoon is when the offender is sincere, genuine, and humble. The best apologies are the ones that a person ponders over for hours or even days and then looks you in the eyes and says two words: "I'm sorry." Heartfelt apologies are just that: heartfelt. Your heart knows when it's real.
So if you're a guy, don't fall for the flowers trick. If you can't apologize by yourself, don't apologize at all. And, if you're a girl, also don't fall for the flowers trick. Accept them (because I always encourage politeness) but tell him that a sincere apology without any ornaments is what you really want. And, whatever you do, DON'T swoon (OK, maybe swoon secretly but only for a nanosecond.)
Roses are red
violets are blue
but neither one of these things
will ever say sorry for you.
Love freely,
tY
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