I...Like...You?

Fifteen definitions of the word "crush" on dictionary.com. Here's the one I'm looking for:

Noun: (informal)--an intense but usually shortlived infatuation
the object of such an infatuation--"Who is your latest crush?"

In elementary school, if you liked someone, you hit them or said mean things to them. The funny thing is, I never really graduated from that level and still give the guys whom I like a hard time compared to the guys whom I don't. But, really, how do you let someone know you're interested?

At least for women, or at least for myself, there's this fine line between too aggressive and too passive. I've found that going up to someone and telling them straight up, "You're attractive" is too bold and, ugh, I hate saying this, but too masculine. It's basically the equivalent of, "You have balls and here are mine, too, while we're on the subject." But, not saying anything won't work in your favor because no one is going to know something if you're quiet.

I'm not sure if it's any easier for men. If they come on too strong, we label them as creepy. If they're too passive, we won't care. And if they do anything in between, we'll get all goo goo ga ga and overanalyze everything they say and do.

So what do we do? We'll send someone a Facebook friend request. We'll say something on Twitter and hope that they notice a subtweet. We'll tell our friend to tell their friend to tell them. We find roundabout ways to say things that we are afraid to say. Because striking up a conversation out of thin air is sometimes more frightening than Michael Jackson in Thriller.

I'd like to think that in my short 21 years, I've mastered a few things. The art of making a perfect microwave hotdog. Knowing how to hail a cab in NYC. Enduring an entire night in high heels (this happened last night!) But, when it comes to letting someone know I have a crush on them, I don't know what to do. I don't even know where to start. I'm not talking about "We've been seeing each other for a minute and I actually like you." No, I know how to say that. I'm talking about, "We have literally never spoken before but you're cute and I may want to talk to you and do more than that if at all possible, please and thank you."

So, what do I do instead? I blog about it at 1:30 in the morning instead of writing my paper due tomorrow. Cool.

Love freely,
tY

Quotes From Last Night: Marriage

I really have no business writing about marriage. What do I know, right? I'm 21, unmarried, single, and the only marriage I've had an up close and personal experience with has been that of my parents, which, well, um, yeah. Enough said.

But, I probably don't have any business writing about a lot of stuff on this blog so marriage, here we go.

Last night, while talking to a friend, I spent a good 20 minutes defending why I don't want to have children and possibly don't want to get married. Snippets of the conversation went a little something like this:

Him: But if you don't get married or have kids you'll...just...get...old....by yourself.

Me: Why can't I just spend my life with someone and not be married?

Him: So you think a man is going to be with you his whole life, not sleep with anyone else, but not marry you?

Me: Yeah...

later in the convo...

Me: You're only saying these things cause you're a traditionalist. I think you'll be one of those people who cheats on your wife anyway.

Him: Yeah, I probably will. And, she'll probably cheat on me. As long as I don't know about it, it's fine.

Do you have a puzzled/disgusted look on your face after reading that last sentence? Oh, ok, cause that's what I looked like when I heard it.

Let me be completely honest: America has fucked up marriage. I don't drop the f-bomb often on Free Love, but it is true. In some ways, I don't blame my friend for his final comment because all around us, we're seeing that people get married and what do they do? They cheat. They lie. They steal. They get divorced. People get married because oops, they had a kid and there's no choice or oh, they love each other at age 20 and that's enough, or he needs a green card or she needs a source of income because she's too lazy to work. All very wrong reasons to get married, if you ask me. America doesn't think about the marriage; it thinks about "getting married." It thinks about the white dress, the tux, the ceremony, the reception. It thinks about the day, not the lifetime and sorry to tell you, but marriage is a lifetime. So, there's no wonder that I have little faith in marriage.

Similar to my post about having children a few days ago, marriage is a choice, not an obligation. And, yes, deep down, I'm pretty sure I'll get married. But I will do it for the right reasons. Not for money. Not JUST for love (because not everyone whom you love are you meant to marry and if you haven't learned that yet, come back to me after your next breakup.) Not because I'm 30 and society told me I'm too old to be single and not because I'm dating someone and it just seems like the "next logical step." So, maybe I don't know all the reasons why I would marry someone, but those are some of the reasons why I certainly wouldn't. And, at 21, I think that's all I need to know.

Love freely,

tY

First Comes _________ ?

Disclaimer: I am currently reading Kelly Cutrone's "If You Have to Cry Go Outside" and I just finished a chapter about motherhood and marriage.

Nonetheless, some of Cutrone's ideas about these things got me to thinking about my ideas about these things which got me to blogging...naturally. In my last post, I made a quick comment about our obsession to find "the one" and how is it even possible to think about finding the one until we find ourselves.

Why is it that we're so programmed to fit society's expectations of love?

Now, I'm not talking about whom we choose to love because that, too, is a different post entirely...if not an entire dissertation. But, I'm talking about expectations when it comes to "first comes love, then comes marriage..." Especially for women, we're taught to believe that life is about starting a career, falling in love and settling down, getting married, having children, and living happily ever after...in that particular order. God forbid you have a child before you get married or get married at 50 and never have children or choose not to have children and/or get married. God forbid you do something...your way?

I think I was destined not to conform to these standards because throughout my life, I've been exposed to women who don't meet the criteria yet have perfectly happy and wonderful lives. My oldest sister is an amazing mother who's unmarried and unperturbed by this fact. My wonderful hairdresser who recently passed away didn't have children and wasn't married but owned a successful business and left an incredible legacy. My boss and, now after 2 years of working for her, mentor is married without children and vacations with her husband at least three times a year (ahh...the life I aspire to have.) You get the point.

I think it's our responsibility as women to challenge society's notions of what is right for our lives and, specifically, our love lives. Why do you keep telling yourself you have to be married by age 30? (I'm actually from the school of thought that you shouldn't marry until at least 30 so you have your shit together but that's just me.) What's going to happen if you aren't married by age 28 or don't have 2.5 children by age 30? Nothing. That's what's going to happen. Absolutely effing nothing. These arbitrary timelines and deadlines we give ourselves are an unnecessary mental burden. It's pathetic that our society frowns upon women who are older than 28 and are unmarried as if they're some sort of plague instead of something to be proud of. Meanwhile, there are people who are 25-30 who are married and would rather jump off a rootop than sit and have dinner with their spouse or talk to their kid so YOU tell ME how happy is happily ever after.

If I were to add to my collection of two tattoos, I would contemplate getting this expression (In English of course because that's the language I speak and I hate when people get tats in languages that they don't speak and then act like it's so cool when you don't even REALLY know what that shit says...but, per usual, I digress...): "This is YOUR life." Because, really, it's just that. The world is going to keep spinning whether you end up with one husband or 10 or o. And, if the world is going to keep spinning, there's no reason why yours should stop in the event that things don't go in that carved out order, or better yet, if some of the things don't happen at all.

In the words of Reggie Bush to Kim Kardashian when she started dating Miles Austin: Do you.

Love freely,
tY

LDR...worth it?

I used to think I was the only one. Then I started hearing about people dating other people who lived anywhere from Europe to Australia to California. Maybe I wasn't the only one who had experienced the misery and happiness associated with a LDR.

Now, if you know me, you know I am no longer in an LDR so if this post sounds a bit angsty or independent womanish...well, that's because it is.

Top Reasons why LDRs are both great and a pain in the ass:
1) Most couples who see each other on a routine basis end up getting easily annoyed with one another and, as a result, find stupid and insignificant things to argue over. LDRers (yeah, I'm not sure how to name these couples so we'll just call them that) don't really give two effs if you constantly change the channel or didn't put the toilet seat down. They're too busy gazing into each other's eyes and making up for the sappiness they didn't have a for a month...or 6.
2) Everytime you say goodbye, it will suck. It will suck more than the time before. Never goes away.
3) When LDRers are together, they are together. Every minute is about that other person whom they love yet never see and everything else comes second at best. This is really beautiful when you think about it and is a level that many couples should aspire to sometimes but it's also not always realistic (sorry for raining on the parade.) Sometimes, you don't have entire weekends or weeks to spare being curled up in bed, naked, eating Chinese when you have a paper due or a job to go to or um a life.
4) Yes, you will get your period the one weekend your boyfriend comes to visit and be deprived of the sex you've been missing for months. Yes, karma is a bitch and Aunt Flo is her sister.
5) It's not always easy to squeeze a relationship into one weekend. Most couples have the pleasure of balancing going out, arguing, having sex, having great conversations. being together while doing other things such as hw, etc. LDRers...not so much.
6) Everytime you reunite with the person after a long absence, regardless of whether you just argued via text ten minutes before or have a cramp in your neck from sleeping on a crowded bus for 4 hours, it is pure magic. It's butterflies and roses and all of that girly stuff that I never really care about. It is an unmatched feeling that makes the lonely and sleepless nights, long phone calls and 5 hour Skype sessions suddenly feel worth it.

So...my advice? Well, a few things. One, an LDR should be the default, not the standard. This means, don't start a relationship long distance. The only way LDRs have a chance of surviving is if two people have established a bond while being together...geographically. Trying to generate a relationship out of thin air when he's in London and you're in Kansas is just plain dumb. But, if at some point life takes you and your beau in separate directions, then, yes, try an LDR. Another word of advice...stop playing up the fate card so much. "He's 3,000 miles away but I know we're meant to be together!" Then it doesn't work out and you pull the "We weren't meant to be together." Ugh, effing fate, man. Life is going to do what life wants to do and chances are when you're 25 or 35 or 45 or 55, someone else will come along and that will be "meant to be" and you'll be perfectly fine. Sometimes I wonder why people my age are super obsessed with finding "the one" when I'm like, um have you even found yourself yet? But, that is a different post entirely. And, my last piece of advice is to only take the beating of an LDR if in some place in that brain of yours, whether you admit it or not, you think you could be with the person forever. It sounds silly at first but relationships are time consuming and money consuming and heart consuming and everything consuming. Yes, money is valuable and you will definitely spend a lot of it just traveling if you're in an LDR. (When I think of all of the money I spent on those MegaBus trips...ok, let me not digress.) But, time is even more valuable and if you spend it in between bouts of misery when the person is gone and happiness when the person is there, it damn sure better be worth it. It better mean that all of those lonely nights will be compensated by a million nights together at some point in life. If there's even a doubt in your mind about that...it's not worth it.

And, really, isn't that advice to ANYONE in a relationship? Your time is just that...YOUR time. Don't let anyone waste it.

Love freely,
tY

The Waiting Game

To all of my single people out there...this one's for you.

There are some unwritten rules in dating. Theories if you will. Things that both men and women believe in and try to adhere to. We aren't always successful in this regard but these little ideals help to guide our dating lives. Recently, with a few different people, I've talked about a major one of these little ideals: waiting.

We all know you're not supposed to look for someone to date because, yeah yeah when you look you'll never find. But, what about the meantime? You know...that time after your last relationship but before your next one. What the hell are you supposed to do then?

Some people believe in waiting for the right person to come along and only investing their time and energy into bettering themselves during that off season. They believe that meaningless flings only delay the process of finding something good.

Other people believe in those meaningless flings like it is their religion. They come from the "party party party let's all get wasted" school of thought and believe that life is short and shouldn't be spent not getting laid.

Both of these approaches are complete opposites and I don't think they work being mutually exclusive. I think you have to have both, quite frankly. You should work on bettering yourself, enjoying your life, and riding solo a la Jason Derulo but, hey, a little (safe) horizontal tango-ing never really hurt anyone. The most important thing is not to lie to yourself. Don't lie to yourself with the "I'm going to be single (aka celibate) until the next great person comes along," and stop bs-ing with the "I don't really like this guy, we're just hooking up." And, more importantly than not lying to yourself, don't beat yourself up if you change your mind about something or someone or do something you're not necessarily proud of or proclaim how you're "so done" and then text that person you're "so done" with and crawl into bed with them. This is life, this is dating, you are young, and there aren't any real rules (as long as you don't get pregnant or contract an icky disease.)

You'll need some stories to tell someday, anyway, when you're old, married, have children, and no longer have the freedom to engage in these shenanigans.

Love freely,
tY

Now What?

Why do I always blog in the wee hours of the morning? I think I'm a vampire.

I've decided being single has its phases just like being in a relationship. And, they kind of mirror one another. The beginning of a relationship is new and everything is roses. When you return to being single, you're like "Whoa, this is what I was missing!?" :cue drunken makeouts and other sins:

As you move on in the relationship, you have some fights, things become routine, and you have to decide if you're either going to work to make this one better or phase it out of your life.

After a few months of debauchery being single, you hit a slump where you're over the Samantha Jones moments and you miss curling up in a ball next to someone. Now it's time to decide if you can truly devote yourself to being by yourself or if you are going to whine about it. Or, well, if you're just going to continue the debauchery which always works, too.

I guess what I'm saying is that no matter what situation you're in, it's not easy for any of us. Life has its way of spiky haired white boy style serving us (if you don't get the reference, you obviously don't know of my favorite movie of all time, You Got Served) and we have to roll with the punches and decide where our efforts should be focused.

Whatever you do, wherever stage you're in...either go big a la Theresa Guidice's hair or go home.

Love freely,
tY

Reunited and it feels so...?

Happy 2011, 20 days later.

Free Love has been on a hiatus for a few reasons. Allow me to explain.

1) I am taking the LSAT in 3ish weeks. It's a beast and does not allow me to play much.
2) I started this wonderful thing called Free Love almost two years ago and just as me and my love life have evolved, so has this blog. I've found that a lot comes from observing the world (ie these blog posts), but a lot more comes from just living so, sometimes, I'm just living. Those times are when I blog less frequently. But, Free Love is like my first child...like you let it grow up and you're more hands off but it's still your kid. My Tumblr is like the new child that needs attention and also, it's new so you like playing with that child more. Wait, maybe that's a really messed up way to look at parenting. Good thing I don't want kids.

But, do not fret, my pet. A brand new blog post, just for you.

So, there's really no way around this one. No witty way to begin this. My ex is coming to town.

Yeah, take a moment and let it simmer the way I had to when I got that text a few hours ago.

There are always some expectations as you prepare to see someone whom you once loved after a long absence. And, really, every reunion is unique depending on the circumstances of the breakup, how long it's been since you even said what's up to the person, etc. Fortunately, I'm not going in completely blind but it's still a weird situation.

And, that is where this list comes in.

Top Dos and Donts for a Reunion with the EX:

1) Look good. Everyone knows this one. But, really, I don't think the point should be "Yeah, I'm hot and you messed this up!" but really, "I'm still in good shape." Cause, really, if you believe in fate like moi, no one messed anything up and everything worked out for the best.
2) The subpoint to looking good...don't confuse good with sexpot. Boobs and booty out kind of scream desperate. And, by kind of, I mean really. High heels, though? Essential.
3) Stay in the present. No use in rehashing old mems, good or bad, because someone's feelings are going to get hurt.
4) Don't expect sex. No brainer.
5) Go somewhere/meet somewhere where there's a predetermined amount of time for the outing. Hanging out for too long (ie at someone's house)= el trouble. (I forgot how to say that in Spanish so I just added el to trouble. So much for my Spanish minor.)
6) Don't let other people get in your head. Everyone has their theories about exes-- "Never see them again!" "Aw, you guys should get back together." Nah, eff all of them and go do your thing.
7) Don't discuss current flings/sig others/etc. I get it. We're no longer together. But, we were and hearing about you banging someone else is never gonna be that cool. Then, I'll have to fake smile and pretend I'm cool with it when it's just plain weird and well, there goes my night.
8) To add on to #3, have something to say. You're not gonna talk about the past so have a present and future to discuss.
9) Understand that people change but the past doesn't. You may sit across from someone completely different from the person whom confused your heart with grapes at the winery and stomped all over it a few months or years ago. Hell, you may be a different person now. In fact, I hope you are. And, that's awesome. But, the past happened, that ish is real, and you aren't Cher so you can't turn back time.
10) Enjoy yourself. This is someone whom was once important to you and there's no reason why, even if you can't be friends, you can't remain cordial and enjoy one another's company.

Sooo...all of that advice was basically to myself but hey, maybe it'll help you out one day, too.

Wish me luck, beautiful people.

Love freely,
tY