I used to think I was the only one. Then I started hearing about people dating other people who lived anywhere from Europe to Australia to California. Maybe I wasn't the only one who had experienced the misery and happiness associated with a LDR.
Now, if you know me, you know I am no longer in an LDR so if this post sounds a bit angsty or independent womanish...well, that's because it is.
Top Reasons why LDRs are both great and a pain in the ass:
1) Most couples who see each other on a routine basis end up getting easily annoyed with one another and, as a result, find stupid and insignificant things to argue over. LDRers (yeah, I'm not sure how to name these couples so we'll just call them that) don't really give two effs if you constantly change the channel or didn't put the toilet seat down. They're too busy gazing into each other's eyes and making up for the sappiness they didn't have a for a month...or 6.
2) Everytime you say goodbye, it will suck. It will suck more than the time before. Never goes away.
3) When LDRers are together, they are together. Every minute is about that other person whom they love yet never see and everything else comes second at best. This is really beautiful when you think about it and is a level that many couples should aspire to sometimes but it's also not always realistic (sorry for raining on the parade.) Sometimes, you don't have entire weekends or weeks to spare being curled up in bed, naked, eating Chinese when you have a paper due or a job to go to or um a life.
4) Yes, you will get your period the one weekend your boyfriend comes to visit and be deprived of the sex you've been missing for months. Yes, karma is a bitch and Aunt Flo is her sister.
5) It's not always easy to squeeze a relationship into one weekend. Most couples have the pleasure of balancing going out, arguing, having sex, having great conversations. being together while doing other things such as hw, etc. LDRers...not so much.
6) Everytime you reunite with the person after a long absence, regardless of whether you just argued via text ten minutes before or have a cramp in your neck from sleeping on a crowded bus for 4 hours, it is pure magic. It's butterflies and roses and all of that girly stuff that I never really care about. It is an unmatched feeling that makes the lonely and sleepless nights, long phone calls and 5 hour Skype sessions suddenly feel worth it.
So...my advice? Well, a few things. One, an LDR should be the default, not the standard. This means, don't start a relationship long distance. The only way LDRs have a chance of surviving is if two people have established a bond while being together...geographically. Trying to generate a relationship out of thin air when he's in London and you're in Kansas is just plain dumb. But, if at some point life takes you and your beau in separate directions, then, yes, try an LDR. Another word of advice...stop playing up the fate card so much. "He's 3,000 miles away but I know we're meant to be together!" Then it doesn't work out and you pull the "We weren't meant to be together." Ugh, effing fate, man. Life is going to do what life wants to do and chances are when you're 25 or 35 or 45 or 55, someone else will come along and that will be "meant to be" and you'll be perfectly fine. Sometimes I wonder why people my age are super obsessed with finding "the one" when I'm like, um have you even found yourself yet? But, that is a different post entirely. And, my last piece of advice is to only take the beating of an LDR if in some place in that brain of yours, whether you admit it or not, you think you could be with the person forever. It sounds silly at first but relationships are time consuming and money consuming and heart consuming and everything consuming. Yes, money is valuable and you will definitely spend a lot of it just traveling if you're in an LDR. (When I think of all of the money I spent on those MegaBus trips...ok, let me not digress.) But, time is even more valuable and if you spend it in between bouts of misery when the person is gone and happiness when the person is there, it damn sure better be worth it. It better mean that all of those lonely nights will be compensated by a million nights together at some point in life. If there's even a doubt in your mind about that...it's not worth it.
And, really, isn't that advice to ANYONE in a relationship? Your time is just that...YOUR time. Don't let anyone waste it.
Love freely,
tY
Friday, February 25, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
The Waiting Game
To all of my single people out there...this one's for you.
There are some unwritten rules in dating. Theories if you will. Things that both men and women believe in and try to adhere to. We aren't always successful in this regard but these little ideals help to guide our dating lives. Recently, with a few different people, I've talked about a major one of these little ideals: waiting.
We all know you're not supposed to look for someone to date because, yeah yeah when you look you'll never find. But, what about the meantime? You know...that time after your last relationship but before your next one. What the hell are you supposed to do then?
Some people believe in waiting for the right person to come along and only investing their time and energy into bettering themselves during that off season. They believe that meaningless flings only delay the process of finding something good.
Other people believe in those meaningless flings like it is their religion. They come from the "party party party let's all get wasted" school of thought and believe that life is short and shouldn't be spent not getting laid.
Both of these approaches are complete opposites and I don't think they work being mutually exclusive. I think you have to have both, quite frankly. You should work on bettering yourself, enjoying your life, and riding solo a la Jason Derulo but, hey, a little (safe) horizontal tango-ing never really hurt anyone. The most important thing is not to lie to yourself. Don't lie to yourself with the "I'm going to be single (aka celibate) until the next great person comes along," and stop bs-ing with the "I don't really like this guy, we're just hooking up." And, more importantly than not lying to yourself, don't beat yourself up if you change your mind about something or someone or do something you're not necessarily proud of or proclaim how you're "so done" and then text that person you're "so done" with and crawl into bed with them. This is life, this is dating, you are young, and there aren't any real rules (as long as you don't get pregnant or contract an icky disease.)
You'll need some stories to tell someday, anyway, when you're old, married, have children, and no longer have the freedom to engage in these shenanigans.
Love freely,
tY
There are some unwritten rules in dating. Theories if you will. Things that both men and women believe in and try to adhere to. We aren't always successful in this regard but these little ideals help to guide our dating lives. Recently, with a few different people, I've talked about a major one of these little ideals: waiting.
We all know you're not supposed to look for someone to date because, yeah yeah when you look you'll never find. But, what about the meantime? You know...that time after your last relationship but before your next one. What the hell are you supposed to do then?
Some people believe in waiting for the right person to come along and only investing their time and energy into bettering themselves during that off season. They believe that meaningless flings only delay the process of finding something good.
Other people believe in those meaningless flings like it is their religion. They come from the "party party party let's all get wasted" school of thought and believe that life is short and shouldn't be spent not getting laid.
Both of these approaches are complete opposites and I don't think they work being mutually exclusive. I think you have to have both, quite frankly. You should work on bettering yourself, enjoying your life, and riding solo a la Jason Derulo but, hey, a little (safe) horizontal tango-ing never really hurt anyone. The most important thing is not to lie to yourself. Don't lie to yourself with the "I'm going to be single (aka celibate) until the next great person comes along," and stop bs-ing with the "I don't really like this guy, we're just hooking up." And, more importantly than not lying to yourself, don't beat yourself up if you change your mind about something or someone or do something you're not necessarily proud of or proclaim how you're "so done" and then text that person you're "so done" with and crawl into bed with them. This is life, this is dating, you are young, and there aren't any real rules (as long as you don't get pregnant or contract an icky disease.)
You'll need some stories to tell someday, anyway, when you're old, married, have children, and no longer have the freedom to engage in these shenanigans.
Love freely,
tY
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Now What?
Why do I always blog in the wee hours of the morning? I think I'm a vampire.
I've decided being single has its phases just like being in a relationship. And, they kind of mirror one another. The beginning of a relationship is new and everything is roses. When you return to being single, you're like "Whoa, this is what I was missing!?" :cue drunken makeouts and other sins:
As you move on in the relationship, you have some fights, things become routine, and you have to decide if you're either going to work to make this one better or phase it out of your life.
After a few months of debauchery being single, you hit a slump where you're over the Samantha Jones moments and you miss curling up in a ball next to someone. Now it's time to decide if you can truly devote yourself to being by yourself or if you are going to whine about it. Or, well, if you're just going to continue the debauchery which always works, too.
I guess what I'm saying is that no matter what situation you're in, it's not easy for any of us. Life has its way of spiky haired white boy style serving us (if you don't get the reference, you obviously don't know of my favorite movie of all time, You Got Served) and we have to roll with the punches and decide where our efforts should be focused.
Whatever you do, wherever stage you're in...either go big a la Theresa Guidice's hair or go home.
Love freely,
tY
I've decided being single has its phases just like being in a relationship. And, they kind of mirror one another. The beginning of a relationship is new and everything is roses. When you return to being single, you're like "Whoa, this is what I was missing!?" :cue drunken makeouts and other sins:
As you move on in the relationship, you have some fights, things become routine, and you have to decide if you're either going to work to make this one better or phase it out of your life.
After a few months of debauchery being single, you hit a slump where you're over the Samantha Jones moments and you miss curling up in a ball next to someone. Now it's time to decide if you can truly devote yourself to being by yourself or if you are going to whine about it. Or, well, if you're just going to continue the debauchery which always works, too.
I guess what I'm saying is that no matter what situation you're in, it's not easy for any of us. Life has its way of spiky haired white boy style serving us (if you don't get the reference, you obviously don't know of my favorite movie of all time, You Got Served) and we have to roll with the punches and decide where our efforts should be focused.
Whatever you do, wherever stage you're in...either go big a la Theresa Guidice's hair or go home.
Love freely,
tY
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Reunited and it feels so...?
Happy 2011, 20 days later.
Free Love has been on a hiatus for a few reasons. Allow me to explain.
1) I am taking the LSAT in 3ish weeks. It's a beast and does not allow me to play much.
2) I started this wonderful thing called Free Love almost two years ago and just as me and my love life have evolved, so has this blog. I've found that a lot comes from observing the world (ie these blog posts), but a lot more comes from just living so, sometimes, I'm just living. Those times are when I blog less frequently. But, Free Love is like my first child...like you let it grow up and you're more hands off but it's still your kid. My Tumblr is like the new child that needs attention and also, it's new so you like playing with that child more. Wait, maybe that's a really messed up way to look at parenting. Good thing I don't want kids.
But, do not fret, my pet. A brand new blog post, just for you.
So, there's really no way around this one. No witty way to begin this. My ex is coming to town.
Yeah, take a moment and let it simmer the way I had to when I got that text a few hours ago.
There are always some expectations as you prepare to see someone whom you once loved after a long absence. And, really, every reunion is unique depending on the circumstances of the breakup, how long it's been since you even said what's up to the person, etc. Fortunately, I'm not going in completely blind but it's still a weird situation.
And, that is where this list comes in.
Top Dos and Donts for a Reunion with the EX:
1) Look good. Everyone knows this one. But, really, I don't think the point should be "Yeah, I'm hot and you messed this up!" but really, "I'm still in good shape." Cause, really, if you believe in fate like moi, no one messed anything up and everything worked out for the best.
2) The subpoint to looking good...don't confuse good with sexpot. Boobs and booty out kind of scream desperate. And, by kind of, I mean really. High heels, though? Essential.
3) Stay in the present. No use in rehashing old mems, good or bad, because someone's feelings are going to get hurt.
4) Don't expect sex. No brainer.
5) Go somewhere/meet somewhere where there's a predetermined amount of time for the outing. Hanging out for too long (ie at someone's house)= el trouble. (I forgot how to say that in Spanish so I just added el to trouble. So much for my Spanish minor.)
6) Don't let other people get in your head. Everyone has their theories about exes-- "Never see them again!" "Aw, you guys should get back together." Nah, eff all of them and go do your thing.
7) Don't discuss current flings/sig others/etc. I get it. We're no longer together. But, we were and hearing about you banging someone else is never gonna be that cool. Then, I'll have to fake smile and pretend I'm cool with it when it's just plain weird and well, there goes my night.
8) To add on to #3, have something to say. You're not gonna talk about the past so have a present and future to discuss.
9) Understand that people change but the past doesn't. You may sit across from someone completely different from the person whom confused your heart with grapes at the winery and stomped all over it a few months or years ago. Hell, you may be a different person now. In fact, I hope you are. And, that's awesome. But, the past happened, that ish is real, and you aren't Cher so you can't turn back time.
10) Enjoy yourself. This is someone whom was once important to you and there's no reason why, even if you can't be friends, you can't remain cordial and enjoy one another's company.
Sooo...all of that advice was basically to myself but hey, maybe it'll help you out one day, too.
Wish me luck, beautiful people.
Love freely,
tY
Free Love has been on a hiatus for a few reasons. Allow me to explain.
1) I am taking the LSAT in 3ish weeks. It's a beast and does not allow me to play much.
2) I started this wonderful thing called Free Love almost two years ago and just as me and my love life have evolved, so has this blog. I've found that a lot comes from observing the world (ie these blog posts), but a lot more comes from just living so, sometimes, I'm just living. Those times are when I blog less frequently. But, Free Love is like my first child...like you let it grow up and you're more hands off but it's still your kid. My Tumblr is like the new child that needs attention and also, it's new so you like playing with that child more. Wait, maybe that's a really messed up way to look at parenting. Good thing I don't want kids.
But, do not fret, my pet. A brand new blog post, just for you.
So, there's really no way around this one. No witty way to begin this. My ex is coming to town.
Yeah, take a moment and let it simmer the way I had to when I got that text a few hours ago.
There are always some expectations as you prepare to see someone whom you once loved after a long absence. And, really, every reunion is unique depending on the circumstances of the breakup, how long it's been since you even said what's up to the person, etc. Fortunately, I'm not going in completely blind but it's still a weird situation.
And, that is where this list comes in.
Top Dos and Donts for a Reunion with the EX:
1) Look good. Everyone knows this one. But, really, I don't think the point should be "Yeah, I'm hot and you messed this up!" but really, "I'm still in good shape." Cause, really, if you believe in fate like moi, no one messed anything up and everything worked out for the best.
2) The subpoint to looking good...don't confuse good with sexpot. Boobs and booty out kind of scream desperate. And, by kind of, I mean really. High heels, though? Essential.
3) Stay in the present. No use in rehashing old mems, good or bad, because someone's feelings are going to get hurt.
4) Don't expect sex. No brainer.
5) Go somewhere/meet somewhere where there's a predetermined amount of time for the outing. Hanging out for too long (ie at someone's house)= el trouble. (I forgot how to say that in Spanish so I just added el to trouble. So much for my Spanish minor.)
6) Don't let other people get in your head. Everyone has their theories about exes-- "Never see them again!" "Aw, you guys should get back together." Nah, eff all of them and go do your thing.
7) Don't discuss current flings/sig others/etc. I get it. We're no longer together. But, we were and hearing about you banging someone else is never gonna be that cool. Then, I'll have to fake smile and pretend I'm cool with it when it's just plain weird and well, there goes my night.
8) To add on to #3, have something to say. You're not gonna talk about the past so have a present and future to discuss.
9) Understand that people change but the past doesn't. You may sit across from someone completely different from the person whom confused your heart with grapes at the winery and stomped all over it a few months or years ago. Hell, you may be a different person now. In fact, I hope you are. And, that's awesome. But, the past happened, that ish is real, and you aren't Cher so you can't turn back time.
10) Enjoy yourself. This is someone whom was once important to you and there's no reason why, even if you can't be friends, you can't remain cordial and enjoy one another's company.
Sooo...all of that advice was basically to myself but hey, maybe it'll help you out one day, too.
Wish me luck, beautiful people.
Love freely,
tY
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Limits
Merry Christmas, Happy End of Finals, Happy almost 2011...all that.
Friends with benefits, known for this post as FWB, is not a bad invention when used properly. Like most other fine entities in life, there's an art to it...a way to dodge feelings and emotions and focus on what is most important--getting _________. Fill in the blank however you'd like. I'd personally choose a word that begins with O and rhymes with hoff.
Ok, a bit stoic of me. Oops. But, the issue with FWB or like or lust or anything that is not that ultimate head over heels love is that you reach a point where you have to censor yourself, and more specifically, your heart. You find yourself caring about someone or their well-being and realize that you can't care that much because then it gets serious and blurs the nature of the relationship.
Bottom line: Doable but not easy. However, not everyone deserves your whole heart. Not even your whole self. I hesitated to write that last sentence but it's true...you can't give everyone EVERYTHING you have. Then, you don't have anything left for you.
I'm just rambling tonight. No witty sign off.
Love freely,
tY
Friends with benefits, known for this post as FWB, is not a bad invention when used properly. Like most other fine entities in life, there's an art to it...a way to dodge feelings and emotions and focus on what is most important--getting _________. Fill in the blank however you'd like. I'd personally choose a word that begins with O and rhymes with hoff.
Ok, a bit stoic of me. Oops. But, the issue with FWB or like or lust or anything that is not that ultimate head over heels love is that you reach a point where you have to censor yourself, and more specifically, your heart. You find yourself caring about someone or their well-being and realize that you can't care that much because then it gets serious and blurs the nature of the relationship.
Bottom line: Doable but not easy. However, not everyone deserves your whole heart. Not even your whole self. I hesitated to write that last sentence but it's true...you can't give everyone EVERYTHING you have. Then, you don't have anything left for you.
I'm just rambling tonight. No witty sign off.
Love freely,
tY
Monday, December 6, 2010
Hollywood: Redefining the Hookup
Can best friends be sex friends?
Well, I didn't ask the question. In fact, it's the tagline in Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman's upcoming movie, "No Strings Attached." While I, like any other chick flick moviegoer, got sucked in from the preview, let's be real. We know how the story ends: best friends turned eff buddies turned soulmates.
Let's rewind to my Thanksgiving break when I saw Love and Other Drugs with my sister. Now, the plot in this movie is a little different because Anne Hathaway's character is basically dying (sorry, I didn't know how to put that more eloquently) so there's this big elephant in the room everytime these virtual strangers dance horizontally. Elephant aside, the plot is the same except it's virtual strangers turned eff buddies turned soulmates.
I loved Love and Other Drugs and I have no doubt I'll enjoy No Strings Attached. The random hookup or eff buddies or whatever you like to call it has made a name for itself on the big screen and as someone who may or may not engage in such antics myself, I am proud.
Of course there's a but.
My hope is that women who see these movies know that in real life, the plot goes something like this: friends or strangers turned eff buddies turned...the end. Somewhere on the planet, there is a married couple who were once just sex comrades proving me completely wrong. But, in about a million other places on the planet, there are two college kids having really great sex right now and in a month or two or five, they will still (possibly) just be having really great sex.
So, what's my point? These movies are fantasy for adults (that sounds like a euphemism for pornography. oops.) Anyway, the endings of these movies are the exception to the rule and while there's a .0006% chance that your best (guy) friend will become your sex friend and then your soulmate, don't bet on it. Doesn't mean don't do it. Just means don't bet on it.
Love freely,
tY
Well, I didn't ask the question. In fact, it's the tagline in Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman's upcoming movie, "No Strings Attached." While I, like any other chick flick moviegoer, got sucked in from the preview, let's be real. We know how the story ends: best friends turned eff buddies turned soulmates.
Let's rewind to my Thanksgiving break when I saw Love and Other Drugs with my sister. Now, the plot in this movie is a little different because Anne Hathaway's character is basically dying (sorry, I didn't know how to put that more eloquently) so there's this big elephant in the room everytime these virtual strangers dance horizontally. Elephant aside, the plot is the same except it's virtual strangers turned eff buddies turned soulmates.
I loved Love and Other Drugs and I have no doubt I'll enjoy No Strings Attached. The random hookup or eff buddies or whatever you like to call it has made a name for itself on the big screen and as someone who may or may not engage in such antics myself, I am proud.
Of course there's a but.
My hope is that women who see these movies know that in real life, the plot goes something like this: friends or strangers turned eff buddies turned...the end. Somewhere on the planet, there is a married couple who were once just sex comrades proving me completely wrong. But, in about a million other places on the planet, there are two college kids having really great sex right now and in a month or two or five, they will still (possibly) just be having really great sex.
So, what's my point? These movies are fantasy for adults (that sounds like a euphemism for pornography. oops.) Anyway, the endings of these movies are the exception to the rule and while there's a .0006% chance that your best (guy) friend will become your sex friend and then your soulmate, don't bet on it. Doesn't mean don't do it. Just means don't bet on it.
Love freely,
tY
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Sorry I can't come to the phone right now
I have got to get better with updating this thing.
Currently, in an effort to procrastinate, I've decided to blog about something pretty funny in relationships: the voicemail.
Let's be real. No one checks their voicemail anymore. Usually, after the little number on my Blackberry screen reads "6" or so, I'll go through my voicemail, laughing at messages my friends sent me about a month ago and deleting them. Voicemail is outdated because why say what you can type and send instantly in a text message? Why bother to listen to a voicemail that will probably only say, "Hey, call me," when I'll see your missed call and hey, I'll call you.
Nevertheless, when it comes to that special person or that hookup or whatever, we somehow always find a way to say something after the beep. A few of my favorites:
1) "Heyyy.........I was just thinking of you...........call me"--What does this achieve? Oh, the sound of you hearing your own voice as you speak to thin air? Cause I'm pretty sure that's all you've accomplished.
2) "Yo, pick up your phone." I'll admit I've done this once or twice before. But, what's more obnoxious than calling someone back a nano second after they called you only to catch their voicemail?
3) The sappy I miss you voicemail: I swear these are ONLY for the purpose of you hearing a month later and swooning over your significant other. (ew.)
4) The belligerent voicemail: I almost wrote angry voicemail but that word just didn't do this voicemail justice. Everyone has done this. Typically it occurs after an argument when the only reason you're being directed to voicemail is because the person on the other end is blatantly ignoring your calls. And, you get mad. And, you show that anger by leaving a 2.5 minute long voicemail cursing the person out to the high heavens. Once, an ex let me listen to one of those voicemails I left him. I didn't know I was related to Linda Blair's head-spinning character but apparently in those 2.5 minutes...I was.
I say all of this to say while voicemail has become beyond obsolete, there's something about talking to nothing hoping the person in your life who means something will eventually hear it. There's something cool about archiving your voice because, unlike text, it is often times far more spontaneous and unartful.
So, when in doubt, leave a message after the beep.
Love freely,
tY
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