Love according to Toni Morrison

Love is divine only and difficult always. If you think it is easy you are a fool. If you think it is natural you are blind. It is a learned application without reason or motive except that it is God.


--TONI MORRISON, Paradise

Love freely,
tY

Admissions counselor

The first step to recovery is admission, no?

I haven't spent much time in rehab (and by much time, I mean any), but I think that's right.

I would also argue that the first step to love (or something like it) is admission.

Talking to my friends and people my age about relationships and hookups, I've learned that people in my generation have a hard time admitting their feelings. We hail from a generation that prides itself on instaneous everything: hookups, communication, etc. We are so busy and we are moving so quickly that stopping to admit we actually care about another human being is often times frowned upon and overrated.

Also, many times people chalk their lack of feelings up to past hurt. It feels as though everyone is bitter and has been scorned and scarred by ex-lovers. Meanwhile, we're all between 18-22 years old and don't realize that life is going to throw much more our way.

And, sure, I agree that sometimes admitting feelings to another person is the verbal equivalent of shooting oneself in the foot. Without the proper motives, telling your best friend who you used to play in the sandbox with that you are madly in love with him could completely demolish a perfect friendship. But, what about just admitting feelings to yourself?

Usually, when we think we're fooling everyone else around us into believing that we could care less about someone, we are only fooling ourselves. The moment you admit to yourself that you actually do care about that guy or you do still have feelings for your ex, you will feel so much better and so much more liberated. You aren't any less strong or any less of a person for shedding that icy exterior and admitting that you have a heart.

Feelings don't always have to result in an outcome such as a relationship or reciprocation. Perhaps that is where we make the biggest mistake--thinking that just because we love someone, we need to date them or they must feel the exact same way. Sure, when that happens, it is beautiful.

But, sometimes, you just have to feel and be OK with that.


Love freely,
tY

Live in the moment

Today, while reuniting with an old friend, I received some timeless advice: "live in the moment."

While the context of his advice did not necessarily have anything to do with love, I figured I'd spin it for my blog.

If you're anything like me, you worry about the future. I think it's only somewhat human and acceptable to worry and think about your life after today. Honestly, people who do not and are only concerned with the exact moment are usually one, if not two, steps behind everyone else. And, they will spend the rest of their lives there if they don't wisen up.

However, sometimes, especially when it concerns matters of the heart, it's perfectly OK to live in the moment. Too often, we are worried about "when are we going to take it to the next level?" or "omg he's going to break up with me soon" or "oh no, we're moving away in a year and we won't be together." These preoccupations with the future can tarnish the one thing that is real and beautiful and that is the present. Worrying about what could be or would be or might be or will be steals the moments we have now.

Living in the moment is not synonymous with being a Jezebel and making out with every guy you see. No, no, there's a difference between living in the moment and lusting in the moment. Have some discretion with the latter. Just a disclaimer.

So, take a minute and appreciate what you have now, whether that's a boyfriend, a good friend, a friend with benefits...whatever. Sometimes when it comes to love, lust, and like, it's perfectly fine to realize that tomorrow is not promised.

Love freely,
tY

Getting over the hump

When couples get tired/annoyed with one another, they have options. Break up, give each other some space, etc.

But, what about when single people get tired of being single?

There aren't really kiosks with rent-a-signficant others.

I would like to believe that being single is just as much a choice as being in a relationship. But, really breaking it down, deciding to be in a relationship is much more of a choice than being single. Sometimes, being single is the default. And, while it can be a great default, it's still a default.

If you want to meet the queen of singledom, meet the face behind this blog. It's been quite a few years and despite the complicated hookups/friendships along the way, I haven't been serious about being serious in a long time. Sometimes I've been bitter, sometimes I've been broken, sometimes I've had 143 other things going on in my life and literally did not have time for another person, sometimes I just haven't cared, and sometimes I've been afraid to admit I care. Either way, if you want intro to the single life 101, I'm your professor.

Nonetheless, shopping for cute skivvies today during Black Friday (because that's about all I could afford), I realized I missed having someone to show those cute skivvies to. There are days when I'm glad no one is hounding me, annoying me, knowing my moves and when I make them, and there are days when I miss sharing my life with someone else.

(^Take those two paragraphs and cherish them, folks. Because that's about as personal as it gets on free love.)

Nonetheless, I'm not saying any of this to wah wah complain about my life. My life's fine. I just don't think these sentiments are uncommon for anyone who is single. Let me let you in on a little secret: People who worship the single life are unhappy. People who worship their relationships probably have problems. Everyone who is human has those "the grass is greener on the other side" moments. People who denounce relationships are typically bitter and/or insecure and it took me about four years to figure that out. Sure, sometimes you need to be single to focus on other important things. And, well, sometimes you're just the bitter b word.

So, what's the solution to getting over the hump? Oh, I hate this solution because it's very reactive but it's all just a matter of time. The right thing, the good thing, the best thing is worth waiting for. Don't settle for a fraud. Don't settle for second best. Just wait. And, in the meantime, rock out to your favorite song in the mirror in your new lace skivvies.

Love freely,

tY

Happy Thanksgiving

If you've got a little love in your life, you've got a reason to be thankful. Be thankful for all of the relationships you have--as crazy and dysfunctional as they may be. The unique insanity in every relationship, whether it's the one with your boy or your mom, is what makes love imperfectly beautiful.

Happy Thanksgiving, boys and girls.

Love freely,
tY

If you have something to say...

You know what annoys me more than girls who hold full conversations in the bathroom? More than guys with no life goals or motivation who try to "holla?" More than...well you get the picture.

Anyway, the thing that annoys me more than the aforementioned entities is people who use the virtual world to convey their emotions...specifically, their more vengeful emotions.

How many Facebook statuses have we read saying, "I'm done with you and you know who you are," or "I screwed up and I can only hope he forgives me?" Our 21st century tech savvy generation uses technology as a messenger. Unfortunately, the virtual world isn't always the place to air our dirty laundry.

Ever heard the expression, "If you have something to say, say it to my face?" Well, kids, take that and eat it up because that's exactly how you should handle your problems. If it's personal, why make it public by airing it for the world to see in hopes of that certain someone reading it and taking it to heart?

Perhaps this post is slightly hypocritical. Perhaps in the 10 or so months that I've been writing, I've alluded to my personal life on more than one occassion. But, the person and/or persons who could be involved don't read this blog and I like to keep it that way. After all, there wouldn't be a free love if I didn't bring some personal experience to the table. I like to think this blog is about 10% personal experience and 90% what I pick up and observe from other people.

Nonetheless, if you truly feel something and truly have something to say, the person's face is the best outlet for that--not the flashing cursor on your computer screen. And, if you just need to get something off of your chest, might I suggest a wonderful thing called a journal. If you sneak a peak under my bed, there's an old journal filled with scattered loose leaf paper, a newer journal that's getting me through college, and an inspiration book filled with random things that keep me inspired. I'm a profilic member of the journal writing industry.

Think before you speak and if you have to think before you type, well, you may not be thinking at all.

Love freely,

tY

Today's thoughts

Sometimes it's OK to care about someone. Admit it, embrace it, and enjoy it.

Love freely,
tY

Home for the Holidays

This Thursday marks the beginning of my favorite time of year. I know, I know...with all the hype I put around by birthday, you would think October is my favorite time of year. Well, October comes in second.

But beginning Thursday, it's as though the entire world celebrates from Thanksgiving until New Year's. Cheers to a world party.

Couples (especially married ones but for the purposes of my audience, we'll just say couples) face the inevitable question of whose house are we going to this year?

My oldest sister, who has children and a boyfriend aka a real little family of her own, had to deal with this last year. It was my niece's first Christmas and we wanted to hang out with the little munchkin just as much as her daddy's side of the family. Her solution? Christmas eve and morning with us, drive to New York Christmas Day and spend Christmas evening with the dad's half. Everyone wins.

While most people associate the holidays with family (which are, indeed, a huge part of the holidays), in the grand scheme of things, the holidays are also just about love. I don't see anything wrong with spending a holiday or two with the one you love and maybe their insane, we-hold-these-crazy-traditions-every-year family. If that's the case, make sure you call up your fam and let them know you love them just the same.

Here's to kicking off the time of year marked with crazy shoppers, scrumptious meals, family, and love.

Love freely,
tY

Let's give it up for love

Some days, Free Love is a pretty ironic name for my blog. Some days, I lament about couples blocking my pathway as they hold hands and get all goo goo ga ga eyed over each other. Some days, I mock girls who turn into total mush when their crush comes around. Some days, I am just not having it with love.

And, while I can't guarantee any less sarcasm in the coming posts, today I figured I'd switch it up and just give a shot out to love.

Last night, a good friend of mine and I were talking about priorities in life, having a relationship, etc. I kind of feel like one of those women who spends years gaining a reputation at her job and making six figures and then turns to her husband of a decade one day and goes "Yea, maybe I do want kids." (Except, of course, I don't want children and I don't have a husband...I just mean I'm back in relationship mode.) I preach independence and self-sufficiency and those are things I will value forever, hands down. But, it also dawned on me that there wouldn't be billions of people in the world if God (or the gods or non-god...whatever you believe or don't believe) wanted us to live life by ourselves.

In the end, it's OK to have a crush. It's OK to fall in love. It's OK to not know what the hell you want and maybe mess up a time or two. It's OK to let other people catch you when you fall. It's OK to know you can't do it all, sometimes.

It's OK to let love in your life and never look back.

I can't promise you the next post will be this sugary, but I can promise you that despite my rock hard emotional exterior, I believe in a little thing called love.

Love freely,
tY

That girl

This weekend, I met Superwoman. She cooked and she cleaned. Her smile was awesome. She rubbed her boyfriend's shoulders. She went to a great school. And, around 3am and much to my misfortune, I found out she did some other things well, too.

If my nether regions looked a little bit different, I would probably want to marry her.

Then, I thought, "Wow, Tyece. You are not that girl."

The same way women envision a prince charming who asks them how their day was, rubs their feet after a long day, and surprises them with flowers randomly, men envision their perfect woman (see above description.) The "perfect" woman is domestic, daring, and delightful. She's a chef, a dominatrix, and a perfect student (and one day, a perfect mom.)

Well, I failed on that end. Because, I can write witty blog posts but I can't cook a meal without poisoning someone.

Luckily, I had a friend of mine there to talk me down and knock some sense into me which was this: not every girl is that girl. And even the stereotypical "that girl" will have her own issues to deal with. Everyone has things that make them unique. It's not a matter of embodying particular characteristics; it's a matter of remaining true to oneself and one day, you won't be a good fit for someone else. You'll be more than enough.

Nonetheless, I've decided I'm going to learn how to cook. I mean, I will be moving into an apartment soon.

And, if I fail on that end, I hope my future husband likes McDonald's.

Love freely,
tY

Money, money, money.

Who pays on dates nowadays? That's what I really want to know.

Money is a point of contention for many couples: married, dating, shacking up, whatever. Some couples have too much money and not enough time for each other; other couples are pinching pennies. Sometimes, one partner is picking up the financial slack of the other person. Who is going to pay for dinner this time? How much was the Christmas gift he got for you?

Just as money makes the world go round, it's a pretty big deal in relationships, too. Often times, men willingly pay and women willingly put out. Even exchange? Questionable. (aka NO.)

The couples who have mastered the art of the dollar are the ones who understand the concept of 50/50. You pay this time, I catch the bill next time.

Let's put it in different terms. Relationships are unhealthy when one person devotes more time than the other person. Those types of relationships do not work because one person is making more of an investment. So, why isn't it the same way with money? Why is it fair for one person to expel all of their cash while the other person sits back and relies on their hot figure to pull them through?

Oh, and let me make a note to those long-distance relationships. Those are even MORE of a monetary investment because you're spending money on travel...expensive, kids. Expensive.

Sometimes, women don't realize the assumptions they make when it comes to money. At the end of the day, everyone works hard for those dollar bills and whether someone has 100K or 2 pennies, it still feels the same when they reach into their pocket and give it up.

Love freely,

tY

Feminine charm bracelet

I once heard the expression, "Some women climb the corporate ladder on their backs."

Ouch.

How did I say it a few posts ago? "Bring your A Game, Don't wear your V neck."

I have/am collecting books about women in business. It's a topic that intrigues me because well, I'm a woman and I plan on working in some sort of business. Useful knowledge, no?

So, today when a friend and I were talking about using feminine charm at work, I thought about it just a little bit more.

When is it OK to use your feminine assets to get what you want?

Women use their pretty smiling faces and their curvy size 4 (is that an oxymoron?) bodies to get what they want often. They use these things in relationships, encounters with male peers in group projects and in the office, among other places. They use these attributes knowingly and unknowingly, innocently and maliciously. It's perfectly OK for a woman to lean over and show that little line between her mammary glands in hopes of getting something, whether it's a late night rendezvous or 50 more cents an hour.

I'm not condoning this behavior, but let's be real. Sometimes, it's just business. And, sometimes you have to use what you have to get what you want. I'm just saying.

Unfortunately, there are women who take such behavior to extremes and do mindless things such as sleep with bosses. Yeah. I don't really consider them women at all, at least not ones I would ever befriend, speak to, or look at and because I don't write about dirt on this blog and instead I write about people, let's keep it moving.

Your personality and your brains should be the most important and valuable things you bring to any situation, especially a work environment. But, a little sex appeal goes a long way, especially in a more casual situation, say, a date? Don't rely on it but don't overlook it. All things in moderation, ladies. All things in moderation.

The NAACP says Knowledge is power. Maybe, sometimes, cleavage is power, too.

Love freely,

tY

Seasons of Love

Apparently, there's this thing called "bunning season."

I've heard girls refer to it as "'wifey season."

The leaves change colors, the air gets a little bit cooler, and ladies and gentlemen, it is time for you to get a significant other.

Hmm. Interesting phenonmenon.

I try to be subtle in my posts. I try not to firmly take sides while still making a point.

But, let me be frank. People who deem certain seasons as worthy of relationships or worthy of being single (ie summer) are shallow at best and idiotic at worst.

Sure, I get it. It's November. So, you have, ehh, three months to find someone and make sure that by Valentine's Day you get a good present. On Christmas you'll get a card and MAYBE something small that says, "We're cool but not that serious yet."

I had never heard of this bogus phenomenon until maybe a week or so ago and I was pretty stunned.

If you want to make those cold autumn and winter nights a little warmer, you don't need to search for a cuddle buddy. Just get a snuggie. There's no right "season" for being in a relationship or being single. It's all a matter of when fate/God/whatever else you believe drops that person into your life who will ADD to your existence.

By designating a specific time of the year for a person, you are just saying "You're temporary and as soon as the weather breaks 60 degrees, this relationship is over."

Want to stay warm? Bundle up, don't bun up.

Love freely,
tY

Common bond

In college, I became an avid basketball fan.

Last night, I had the pleasure of attending a Knicks/Cavs game with my dad (a total blowout but a fun time nonetheless) and I also had the misfortune of sitting around couples with girlfriends who had no clue what was going on.

They sat there, one girl bundled up with her guy and the other girl yapping away during a very important part of the game: the beginning.

Where do we draw the line in taking our significant others to events that do not interest them?

It can be difficult for couples to find common interests. Also, I do believe in sacrificing and going to do something that the other person likes every once in awhile, just to see what it is they are passionate about. But, really? Talking during a basketball game? Unless you are screaming at the players to get their heads on straight, that's a bit sacrilegious, don't you think?

It's the same as the girl who drags her guy to the mall and you sit there and look at the poor schmuck standing in the corner while his girl grabs about 10 garments that he is going to end up paying for.

All in all, bonding time is best when there's a shared interest and investment. If you choose to reserve certain activities for just you and the boys or just you and the girls, that's understandable and respectable. It is also a sign of maturity and independence in a relationship.

Needless to say and much to my satisfaction, yapping girl and guy left during the first quarter last night. Wow, he just spent about 200 bucks for a lay. What a schmuck.

Love freely,
tY

Powerhouse

I read this on a blog today:

"I’ve yet to be on a campus where most women weren’t worrying about some aspect of combining marriage, children, and a career. I’ve yet to find one where many men were worrying about the same thing."

I'm not going to even try to delve into the career/household issues facing women because this isn't women's studies 419.

But, I do think it's god awful that women have to constantly battle work, children, and matrimony. It's not enough to be a powerhouse in the workplace. It's not enough to raise your kids. It's not enough to be a good wife with an oversexed hubbie.

No, no, no.

Right after you pop out the baby, go hand your boss that report and then go home and cook for your dinner. Then, do a little dance called the horizontal tango with him.

I think all men have to do is work and think about food.

And, it's not enough to say "Oh, I'm going to stay home and raise my kids and not work" or "Oh, I'm going to put off kids and marriage for awhile and focus on work." Nope. You better be doing everything or your addition to society is minimal.

Man, I don't care how you slice it. Women could take over the world. Do what you do and do it well, ladies.

And, to refer back to the quote I began with: If you're in college, no need to worry about marriage. You better worry about getting a job in this economy.

Love freely,
tY

Don't take a vacation, just move.

Am I the only one who is confused/irritated/all of the above when I hear a couple say, "We're on a break?"

I'm going to put all of this "on a break" nonsense to rest tonight.

Couples are these inseparable units tied by emotions, mental connections, intertwined hands, and hot and brain-washing sex. Yep, I said sex.

But, as a good ol' psych major friend told me last semester, relationships have phases, one of which is disillusion (or something like that.)

So, unfortunately, at some point in a relationship, one person may become disillusioned and decide it's time to keep it moving.

However, if said disillusioned person has a heart, they recognize the connection they've formed with the other person and they don't want to lay a pile of maneur on the love fantasies and wishes of the other person.

So, they go on a "break."

Or, people go on a break because it's a bad time, or they need space, or [insert other empty excuse here.]

Ok, so to recap: many couples go on breaks. But, I never hear of couples returning from breaks.

Oh, oh, oh. That's because break is a euphemism for break-up. Ok, I get it.

If you've never heard the expression (and have thus been living under a rock), breaking up is hard to do. Admitting that a tie is severed or we don't feel the same way we once did or our stretch with that person has reached its end can easily mean admitting failure or defeat for many people. So, going on a "break" softens the blow. At least for the moment.

However, unless you truly have the intention of taking a hiatus and returning to re-evaluate, I don't suggest "breaks." They only prolong an already painful process, adding even more of a mess and giving false hope to the other person.

Of course, there's something to be said for the type of love that withstands time, struggle, and heartache. There are lovers who return to one another and end up spending their lives together.

So, know where you stand on that spectrum. If it isn't that type of love (ie um this isn't your future spouse), give me a break and just break up. For your sanity.

And for mine.

Love freely,
tY

Taunt.

I spent a fabulous Halloween weekend not only getting extremely frightened at a haunted house, but attending parties and seeing women in garments that should probably only be reserved for the bedroom.

All this clothing, or lack of clothing I guess, got me to thinking about women and how we master the art of the tease.

From flirting shamelessly to wearing barely there clothing to making empty promises, women are geniuses when it comes to teasing men.

While driving home from a Halloween party last night, I listened to a friend rave about how provocatively this girl danced with him (or on him, maybe?) He lamented that he should have gotten her number and I thought, "Man, that's just the art of a good dance. Get em where you want em and keep it moving."

Why are women such teasing connoisseurs?

I don't think there's any answer to such a question. Obviously, I'm familiar with the art, otherwise I wouldn't be writing this post. I think human beings just like power and teasing is a way for women to obtain that power without negative consequences.

Just like pretty much anything in life, there's a time and a place for teasing. Leave it out of certain arenas such as the workplace. There, you should be bringing your A game, not your V neck. But, at a club or a party, it's pretty harmless. Just be careful whom you do it with.

Sure, libidinous men get angry/annoyed when women tease but hey, better to be a tease than to be the girl who actually follows through with those empty promises. Because, then there's another word for you. And, that word would probably be jezebel.

Love freely,

tY