Confident or cocky?

Interesting experience the other day.

I'm writing a 7 page paper and a stranger in my dorm (a very unugly stranger if you were wondering) comes up and starts chatting with me and my friend. Moments before exiting, said stranger writes his number on a page in my notebook. Then, he exits stage left.

Is writing your number down without being prompted a sign of confidence or total presumption?

I'm sure there are girls who do this, too. There are also girls who walk around in micro minis assuming we want to see their not so nice legs and perhaps that offends me even more but, I digress.

There's an art to exchanging phone numbers and it usually only works if it's so discreet and subtle that you don't even realize the motive or it's so blatant that it's endearing and undeniable. Like so many events in life, writing your number down all seductively in an effort to appear uber confident and make the other person swoon only works in the movies. The other person might swoon for a moment (in my case, I did) until they go, "wait. you're totally making an assumption. that's pretty idiotic, don't you think?"

Needless to say, I never called or texted said stranger and also needless to say, said stranger probably never noticed. We will probably go on to lead the lives we were meant to live. He will write his number down for unsuspecting females and I'll continue to well, blog about such incidents on free love. Everyone wins if you ask me.

Love freely,
tY

Abode destroyer

First off, my apologies for the hiatus. Blame the five papers I slaved over this past week.

Anyway, in honor of a pretty good movie that I just saw, Obsessed (side bar: go see it. best cat fight to date) today's topic is about...yes, you guessed it...the other woman.

Because I have zero experience in this area, here are excerpts from an account from an MSNBC woman who was well, the other woman. And, here's the link if you're interested in reading more other woman accounts: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/15750123/

"Five years later, he is still there and I am still the mistress. We've both tried to end the relationship over the years, but somehow our attraction for each other has made it hard to let go. "

"But now I've accepted the fact he is never going to leave his wife and it's really not a problem for me any longer. And I know he loves her. But why does he keep pursuing me? The passion we share when we make love is unbelievable. No one has ever made me feel so good.
I’m not sure I even want him to leave her, because if he is cheating on his wife he would cheat on me, too. Do I love this man? I can say that a part of me always will, but not the way I once did. I just really wish I could get past this situation and have a normal relationship that would last."

The last sentence in this account is by far the most important. If you're dating someone who is already taken, you are not in a normal relationship. Contradiction, other woman. Contradiction.

According to womenshealth magazine, the other woman is not necessarily psychotic (Ali Larter did a terrific job in the movie btw), desperate, or socially impaired. In fact, according to the magazine, the other woman could be you. (insert your defense here.) In a poll conducted by the magazine, 79% of women said they would never fool around with a married man yet 46% said they had. Well, there's a slight discrepancy.

Ok, enough with the stats. What does it all come down to?

No matter what we say, we never know what we would do until we're forced into the situation. If you got along really well with a married co-worker and maybe had one too many drinks (start humming Jamie Foxx "Extravaganza" here) you don't know what you would do. And, yes, maybe you wouldn't kiss him right there at the bar but even if you flirted with not so good intentions, you're heading into the other woman territory. You can SAY what you would do and hopefully you would adhere to that.

BUT.

No one likes a homewrecker. Let's just be real.

Obviously there are many things wrong with being the other woman. You're an accomplice in the destruction of a once healthy relationship. Also, I hear about a lot of "other women" speaking only about the passion aspect of the relationship. In the words of the Black Eyed Peas, where is the love? Oh, that's right. It's back in the comfort of his mansion with his wife and three kids. People will and do look for a good time anywhere they can find it.

But, the most offensive thing about being the other woman is the self-destruction it causes. No matter how great the fooling around is or how much he says he wants to be with you, if he wanted to be with you, he would. He would stop, drop, and divorce. You're not doing anything his wife can't do. We're all women. We've all got the same thing and with a little work, we've all got the same skills.

Ultimately, being second best only means one thing. You finish last.

If you're the other woman, you're really not much of a woman at all.

Love freely,
tY

Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?

Who said people in relationships can't be friends with members of the opposite sex?

Sigh. Nonsense.

Unfortunately, when someone in a relationship decides to befriend someone of the opposite sex, jealousy, insecurity, and other issues that put wear and tear on a relationship can arise. Why? Because strictly platonic male/female relationships are hard to come by. Possible? Yes. Difficult. YES.

No girl likes being the psychotic girlfriend. Being the psychotic girlfriend is never a conscious choice. Nonetheless, it happens. However, when you start questioning your guy's friendship with that chick down the hall, even though that friendship existed long before you trotted along, it doesn't typically reflect on your guy's infidelity. It usually reflects on your insecurities and distrust.

It's easy to get rattled up when your boy is spending nights talking to his not so ugly girl friend. Not only because there's the temptation factor, but also because it feels like your place as his girlFRIEND is not quite as important. But, the best thing to do is check yourself. If he yields to temptation, it becomes his guilt, not yours. But, if you can't trust him and can't believe in yourself, it's your guilt, not his. And most importantly, it's your problem, not his and definitely not a collective problem between the two of you. Work it out yourself, baby girl.

Be strong. Be confident. And, if you're that girl friend, be understanding and as always, play fair. Wrecking homes is for construction men, not lovely young ladies.

Love freely,
tY

Friend or Foe

If you're lucky enough in life, you get a few good friends.

You know, those friends who you call at 4am crying when you just got your heart broken, depend on to carry you home when you're insanely intoxicated after drowning your relationships sorrows in dirty martinis, and the ones whom you shamefully bash at when you tell them that despite all of his bad attributes, you hooked up with him again last night.

Everyone needs those friends. Life is virtually meaningless without those people in your life.

Chances are, you've been that friend to someone at some point in your life. You've been the one on the other end listening to her cry even though she woke you up or interrupted a serious cuddle session. You've let her spend the night in your bathroom after getting too drunk at the bar in an effort to forget about him. You've listened to her post breakup hookup stories and taken everything in stride. Because, chances are, she's done the same thing for you.

So, do we judge our friends?

Do we tell them what we REALLY think?

Judging a friend's situation does not mean you're judging your friend. If the person is truly your friend, you know them beyond their situation and appreciate them for who they are and not what they do. But, is it OK to tell them when we think something is a terrible idea or they are messing up big time?

The answer: probably not. Why? Because most likely your friend who has run back to her ex 50 times KNOWS she is messing up. And if she's fortunate enough to have some authority figure in her life (or if she just happens to know someone whom is condescending enough), someone else has condemned the behavior. That's why being a friend is so difficult. Because, as a friend, it's your job to be on her level and always remain equal. If you happen to blurt out "wow, that was stupid," you might damage your friend's decision to ever come to you again with anything. And, whether you admit it or not, being a confidante is something we pride ourselves on. No one wants to be unapproachable. But, there's always a tasteful way to state your opinion. However, being fair and being more of a listener than an advisor doesn't mean you're condoning the behavior if you disagree with it. It just means you know that if SHE knows she's not making the brightest choices, there's no need for you to reinforce it.

Relationships are sticky. But after the broken heart, one night stand, or drunken make out, your friend is still your friend. That's something you don't want to ruin by overstating your opinion. Be even. Play fair, kids. Don't condone what you don't accept and don't condemn what you're not informed about. You don't want to call your friend something that is not her birth name and go from friend to foe in 30 seconds flat.

Love freely,
tY

Just because you can...

A good friend of mine said something today that stuck with me and probably will for the rest of my life:

"Just because you can doesn't mean you should."

In the world of relationships, there are a lot of things we can do. The comfort of being monogamous and the freedom of being single create many opportunities for us and as adults, we have free will. In other words, we can do pretty much whatever we want. However, the perfect or as-perfect-as-perfect-can-get relationship life requires knowing that what we're "allowed" to do isn't always the best thing to do.

Example: Boy meets girl. Girl and boy laugh, flirt, start talking, and start dating. Boy and girl date for a few months and girl becomes secure enough to flip out when her boyfriend turns on the football game or calls her at 9:30 instead of 9. Girl knows she can flip out because her boyfriend is going to love her anyway. Boy is going to see past her insignificant bursts of anger and (get ready for it) still think she's the most beautiful girl in the world.

Not everyone reading this is in a relationship, so, here's example number 2.

Boy is single. Boy knows he doesn't have anyone to answer to at the end of the day but himself. Boy embraces this and seeks to hook up with any and all available females who will give him the time of day, ignoring emotions, safety, and mutual respect.

Example one is a prime case of taking someone for granted. Just because girl can yell at her boyfriend doesn't mean it's healthy for the relationship. I mean, you could use the bathroom in front of your boyfriend but would you? (And if you answered yes, I'm going to say three words: very bad idea. Leaving something to the imagination never hurt anyone...will pick this up on a later post.) Ultimately, girl is putting an unnecessary amount of wear and tear on the relationship and eventually, she will pay for it.

Example two is a prime case of abusing freedom. Being single has it's perks but just like a relationship, it requires responsibility. Arguably, it requires more responsibility because YOU have to look out for YOU. You don't have someone else who equally cares about you looking out for your best interest. You have to look out for your best interest and that's terribly difficult because it requires doing something that at times is nearly impossible: saying no.

You know what you can and can't do. You also know what you should or shouldn't do. A LOT of times in life, these two things will not align. But, you're a grown expletive man or woman. So be real with yourself. And the next time you doubt yourself about a decision concerning your lovable relationship life or free single one, remember that just because you can doesn't mean you should. To my friend who inspired this, thanks.

Love freely,
tY

psychotic soulmate searching

Quote I recently heard:

"I have a friend who wears water proof mascara to the gym because she never knows when she's going to meet someone."

Another quote I recently heard from a friend after I sported a pair of shorts at the gym:

"Girls who wear shorts like that only want one thing."

(Before I begin, SOME girls wear shorts like that because they get hot while working out.)

Hypothetically, you could meet your soul mate anywhere. A nightclub, aisle 5 of the grocery store, a blind date, on the treadmill at the gym, your social psychology class...anywhere. That's what makes life fascinating. The person we could spend the rest of our lives with could be hidden in the smallest facets of our lives.

However, no one likes that girl who obsesses over finding a mate.

To reference the aforementioned quote, wearing water proof mascara to the gym because you MIGHT pick up a guy is a mindless plea for attention. Chances are no one is going to be staring into your starry eyes while you're sweating away on the elliptical.

When people constantly obsess over finding a soul mate, they detract from their life experiences. You can't be so consumed with grasping someone's attention that you miss out on the funny joke that the kid in the back of the class just cracked. Also, it's shallow to always be consumed with your looks and luring someone in. Because, chances are, whoever you end up marrying will see you without makeup at some point.

Obsessing over finding a soul mate detracts from the most important search we have in life: finding ourselves. We will never attract a potential soul mate if we don't know who we are and what we can offer to someone else and more importantly, what we can offer to the world.

Your soul mate is on the way. Don't you worry. Stop putting on water proof mascara when you go running. It's a futile attempt to intervene with fate. Just run.

Love freely,
tY

Cutting the heartstrings

First, my apologies for the lack of posts recently. Blame ridiculous computer viruses for sickening my laptop. Don't fret, free love is still my baby and I plan on doing a lot of catching up.

OK, on to today's topic.

Steve Harvey has a new book entitled, "Act like a Lady, Think like a Man." I haven't actually read the book yet (I'm not sure if I will, I don't know how much I trust relationship advice from a stand up comedian. Then again, you're reading MY blog and I have 2% life experience so let's be real.)

Although I haven't read it, I would presume there's something about not letting oneself always get emotionally attached (a sometimes fatal error that women are known for making.) And, if there's not a point in the book, my argument is that most women believe that having a "penis mentality" means knowing when and where to separate the physical from the emotional.

So, is it possible to emotionally detach ourselves or to never emotionally attach in the first place?

And, if it's possible, is it a good thing to do?

Usually, emotionally detaching is the result of a scar. Maybe it's our first love who broke our heart or a hookup partner whom we just fell too hard for but whatever the case, if and when we decide to put physical before emotional, it's usually because at some point we put emotional before physical and experienced terrible results.

But, not all scars are damaging. They are all unique with different origins yet they all represent the same thing: I did this and experienced a consequence, whether for better or worse.

Of course, there's the double standard: if a woman separates physical needs from emotional ones, she's deemed as being promiscuous (for lack of a host of other words that could be used.) If a man separates physical from emotional, he's perfectly normal.

Or, if a woman separates physical from emotional it's assumed that she's hiding her emotions or covering them with physical behavior.

The second assumption is almost more offensive than the first because it deems a person as being emotionally immature and not knowing how to handle their feelings when really, it could mean that a person recognizes their sentiments and chooses to act accordingly. And, while sometimes this assumption may be true, it's best to take a person at their word if they tell you they're not emotionally attached until they give you a reason not to trust that.

It's also slightly empowering to let a man know that you're not super glued to him by emotions, especially if he doesn't feel that way about you. It's healthy to recognize what the situation is and what it is not. It's confident, independent, and sexy.

In the end, it's perfectly fine for a woman (or a man but for the sake of this argument, I'm speaking about women) to physically attach without carrying emotions that coincide if it's healthy and not an ulterior motive for something else. As long as you have boundaries and are simultaneously having a good time, other people should smile and keep going without forming opinions about your life. Of course, there will be a time and a place for experiencing emotion and opening up but not every man you meet will need to be on the receiving end of that.

Sometimes, it's OK to grab the scissors, cut the heartstrings, and just ride.

Love freely,
tY