I'm reading Restless Virgins, a book about a sex scandal at a New England prep school (non-fiction).
It's by Abigail Jones and Marissa Miley. If you're spending your summer days flipping through channels, pick it up. It's a good read.
Reading this book makes memories of high school prepubescent lust come flooding back into my mind.
Reading this book also confirms that it doesn't take long for young girls to realize that their bodies are their biggest weapon against rejection from the opposite sex. And, like any human being seeking acceptance and approval, these girls use that weapon to their fullest advantage.
There's no need to be preachy in this post. I have my fair share of high school, home-by-11:00pm, don't-let-your-mom-catch-us stories. But, reading this book not only brings me back to those high school moments but also makes me realize that it takes a long time to grow up out of the mentality and act of using bodies to get and keep attention.
Why? Because, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
When we find out that our bodies (or things we can do...) can keep someone's attention and (falsely) keep their affection, it's hard to break from that mold. It's harder to bring just ourselves and our souls to the situation because it's a lot easier to hurt those parts of us. And, while it's easy for emotional and mental things to capture someone's attention, it's harder for those things to keep someone's attention.
It's all a learning process. Some of it's inevitable; we get older, learn from our mistakes, and bring more to the table as people. We learn that bodies are the bonus, not the necessity. Some of it requires conscious thought and breaking old (and arguably bad) habits.
Just some things to keep in mind so your old high school behavior isn't with you for the rest of your life. Didn't Barney tell you? You are special, you're the only one, you're the only one like you. The world is important just because you're here...ok, I should stop because that was just wrong.
Bottom line: Don't be a sell out. Bring yourself 100% and remember your body is only about 10% of who you are (if even that.)
Love freely,
tY
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Summer summer summertime.
Back from finals and ready to free love all summer.
So, what better way to kick off summer than to talk about summer love.
Everyone wants it and some people find it. Some say summer is the best time to kick it and have a fling because there's so much time. Even if you're working or doing other things, there's so much time (and so many places to go) to meet someone and throw yourself into a carefree good situation.
And, if those reasons aren't enough, summer love is a great way to break the monotony of long lazy summer days.
Should summer romance go beyond those three hot (no pun intended) and hazy months?
It depends. If it's something you're really invested in and it can reasonably work, hey, go for it. But, if it's just a little something something, no need to go and add formalities (not to mention more time).
Enjoy your summer, catch some kisses, and most importantly, if you're looking for someone or if someone just happens to fall into your lap, make sure it's someone you can simply kick it with and relax with.
That's what summer's all about.
I've missed my blog and I'm happy to be writing blog posts instead of papers now.
Happy summer, everyone.
Love freely,
tY
So, what better way to kick off summer than to talk about summer love.
Everyone wants it and some people find it. Some say summer is the best time to kick it and have a fling because there's so much time. Even if you're working or doing other things, there's so much time (and so many places to go) to meet someone and throw yourself into a carefree good situation.
And, if those reasons aren't enough, summer love is a great way to break the monotony of long lazy summer days.
Should summer romance go beyond those three hot (no pun intended) and hazy months?
It depends. If it's something you're really invested in and it can reasonably work, hey, go for it. But, if it's just a little something something, no need to go and add formalities (not to mention more time).
Enjoy your summer, catch some kisses, and most importantly, if you're looking for someone or if someone just happens to fall into your lap, make sure it's someone you can simply kick it with and relax with.
That's what summer's all about.
I've missed my blog and I'm happy to be writing blog posts instead of papers now.
Happy summer, everyone.
Love freely,
tY
Thursday, May 14, 2009
It's that time of year
Finals.
Posting is an impossibility until May 20.
But, look out for some great summer posts. I'm excited!
Posting is an impossibility until May 20.
But, look out for some great summer posts. I'm excited!
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Once a cheater, always a cheater??
Visualize.
You're out on a first date with a guy. He's sweet, charming, attractive...pretty much all you need and want for a first date. You start talking about past relationships and you ask a dangerous question: "Have you ever cheated?" His response: "Yes."
Do you run for the hills or stick around for seconds?
Let's try to dissect the age old question: Once a cheater, always a cheater?
According to menstuff.org, 45-55% of married women and 50-60% of married men have an extramarital affair during their marriage. (Wow, this closely aligns with the 50% divorce statistic. Coincidence?)
Society is usually quick to condemn cheating. For most of us, it's the epitome of unethical, disrespectful, and arguably unforgivable, behavior. Yet, the stats don't lie. People cheat. Ethics are out the window.
Back to your first date and your sweet guy who admitted he has cheated.
You have to give the poor guy some credit for being honest, especially right in the beginning. Honesty is vital and it's impossible not to appreciate someone being open. And, if your sweet guy admits to having learned from his mistake, that's also respectable.
But, how much did he learn?
Maybe he saw how much he hurt his girl and would never want to inflict that pain upon anyone again. Maybe he learned that it's not worth the guilt and regret.
It's important to give people second chances. I wouldn't immediately write off the ex cheater but I also would take this as a red flag. A serious red flag. It might be OK that he cheated on the first date, but six months later when he's coming home later and later, it definitely won't be OK. As the timeless saying goes, Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well, you know the rest.
Despite our ability to change, apologizing for behavior and realizing it's wrong does not immediately translate into erasing the behavior. Erasing such a behavior requires conscious effort and hard work.
If you do decide to walk after he admits to cheating, I wouldn't be too worried. There's probably someone a little more forgiving right around the corner. And, if he cheats on her, perhaps you made a good choice.
Once a cheater, always a cheater? Who's to say? But, once you've been warned, you've always been warned.
Love freely,
tY
You're out on a first date with a guy. He's sweet, charming, attractive...pretty much all you need and want for a first date. You start talking about past relationships and you ask a dangerous question: "Have you ever cheated?" His response: "Yes."
Do you run for the hills or stick around for seconds?
Let's try to dissect the age old question: Once a cheater, always a cheater?
According to menstuff.org, 45-55% of married women and 50-60% of married men have an extramarital affair during their marriage. (Wow, this closely aligns with the 50% divorce statistic. Coincidence?)
Society is usually quick to condemn cheating. For most of us, it's the epitome of unethical, disrespectful, and arguably unforgivable, behavior. Yet, the stats don't lie. People cheat. Ethics are out the window.
Back to your first date and your sweet guy who admitted he has cheated.
You have to give the poor guy some credit for being honest, especially right in the beginning. Honesty is vital and it's impossible not to appreciate someone being open. And, if your sweet guy admits to having learned from his mistake, that's also respectable.
But, how much did he learn?
Maybe he saw how much he hurt his girl and would never want to inflict that pain upon anyone again. Maybe he learned that it's not worth the guilt and regret.
It's important to give people second chances. I wouldn't immediately write off the ex cheater but I also would take this as a red flag. A serious red flag. It might be OK that he cheated on the first date, but six months later when he's coming home later and later, it definitely won't be OK. As the timeless saying goes, Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well, you know the rest.
Despite our ability to change, apologizing for behavior and realizing it's wrong does not immediately translate into erasing the behavior. Erasing such a behavior requires conscious effort and hard work.
If you do decide to walk after he admits to cheating, I wouldn't be too worried. There's probably someone a little more forgiving right around the corner. And, if he cheats on her, perhaps you made a good choice.
Once a cheater, always a cheater? Who's to say? But, once you've been warned, you've always been warned.
Love freely,
tY
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Heat of the Moment
"I know what I said
was heat of the moment
but there's a little truth in between the words we spoke and
it's a little late now to fix a heart that's broken..."
Corinne Bailey Rae-- Till it Happens to You
First off, great song! Check out the link to hear a live performance of it (sorry, issues uploading the video!) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oo-gPIz-wB4
Listening to Corinne Bailey Rae's words carefully might strike a chord in you. Because, if you're living and even more so, if you are of the female persuasion, you've probably experienced a time when the wrong words were said in the right moment.
Maybe it was an ex-boyfriend you were having a late night session with (just for old times sake of course) and he just all of a sudden blurted out that he missed you or he should have never broken up with you.
Maybe it was a casual hookup who told you "you're perfect" or "I wish we could be together."
Or maybe you've been the culprit and YOU told a flame how much you missed them or how amazing they were.
Whatever the case, when such intense words are said in moments where our minds are not necessarily sober, it can be really misleading and awkward. We might get excited and take the person seriously. We might be completely thrown off and offended. Or, we might just ignore the comment entirely and store it in the smallest places in our mind where it only resurfaces on late nights when we're feeling nostalgic or lonely or a little bit of both.
But, like an old proverb says, "A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts." Although it may be the heat of the moment, some of what is being said is serious. Unfortunately, given the context, it's probably not serious enough to bring up again.
Best thing to do? Keep your mouth shut and let the heat of the moment do the talking.
Love freely,
tY
was heat of the moment
but there's a little truth in between the words we spoke and
it's a little late now to fix a heart that's broken..."
Corinne Bailey Rae-- Till it Happens to You
First off, great song! Check out the link to hear a live performance of it (sorry, issues uploading the video!) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oo-gPIz-wB4
Listening to Corinne Bailey Rae's words carefully might strike a chord in you. Because, if you're living and even more so, if you are of the female persuasion, you've probably experienced a time when the wrong words were said in the right moment.
Maybe it was an ex-boyfriend you were having a late night session with (just for old times sake of course) and he just all of a sudden blurted out that he missed you or he should have never broken up with you.
Maybe it was a casual hookup who told you "you're perfect" or "I wish we could be together."
Or maybe you've been the culprit and YOU told a flame how much you missed them or how amazing they were.
Whatever the case, when such intense words are said in moments where our minds are not necessarily sober, it can be really misleading and awkward. We might get excited and take the person seriously. We might be completely thrown off and offended. Or, we might just ignore the comment entirely and store it in the smallest places in our mind where it only resurfaces on late nights when we're feeling nostalgic or lonely or a little bit of both.
But, like an old proverb says, "A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts." Although it may be the heat of the moment, some of what is being said is serious. Unfortunately, given the context, it's probably not serious enough to bring up again.
Best thing to do? Keep your mouth shut and let the heat of the moment do the talking.
Love freely,
tY
Monday, May 4, 2009
update
hey people,
just a heads up that my newest blog has a new URL and name:
project bottom line
http://projectbottomline.blogspot.com
apparently project reality was already being used and I wasn't content with branding someone else's name. hehe
free love has also already been used by free love 2009 is my baby and I'm not changing the name.
just a heads up that my newest blog has a new URL and name:
project bottom line
http://projectbottomline.blogspot.com
apparently project reality was already being used and I wasn't content with branding someone else's name. hehe
free love has also already been used by free love 2009 is my baby and I'm not changing the name.
Flames
"The worst thing is holding on to someone who doesn't want to be held on to."
I don't necessarily love this quote (maybe because it ends in a preposition???) but it hits the point that I'm trying to make with this post.
A few days ago, my friend was telling me about a friend of hers who was considering breaking up with her boyfriend of two years. A main reason for her decision was that now, sometimes when she showers, she'll walk in the room after, drop her towel, and he won't even acknowledge her naked body. Won't even look up.
If you think this is shallow reasoning, I can understand. There are bigger issues that people face in relationships.
But, losing the spark is more than a significant enough reason to break up with a significant other. Why? Because people want to feel wanted. Yearning for that feeling is what makes the world go round (the relationship world at least.) Whether it's a one time hookup, or a two year relationship, we all enjoy feeling wanted. When the aforementioned female drops her towel and the person who should want her most in the world doesn't even acknowledge that, it's hurtful and it takes a blow at the person's ego.
When your heart stops racing when your person walks in the room, I would argue it's time to reevaluate. Of course, I don't know how married people do it, but that's a whole different ball game.
Aren't those inexplicable butterflies one of the things that distinguish romance from friendship? When the flame dies, what's left?
Love freely,
tY
I don't necessarily love this quote (maybe because it ends in a preposition???) but it hits the point that I'm trying to make with this post.
A few days ago, my friend was telling me about a friend of hers who was considering breaking up with her boyfriend of two years. A main reason for her decision was that now, sometimes when she showers, she'll walk in the room after, drop her towel, and he won't even acknowledge her naked body. Won't even look up.
If you think this is shallow reasoning, I can understand. There are bigger issues that people face in relationships.
But, losing the spark is more than a significant enough reason to break up with a significant other. Why? Because people want to feel wanted. Yearning for that feeling is what makes the world go round (the relationship world at least.) Whether it's a one time hookup, or a two year relationship, we all enjoy feeling wanted. When the aforementioned female drops her towel and the person who should want her most in the world doesn't even acknowledge that, it's hurtful and it takes a blow at the person's ego.
When your heart stops racing when your person walks in the room, I would argue it's time to reevaluate. Of course, I don't know how married people do it, but that's a whole different ball game.
Aren't those inexplicable butterflies one of the things that distinguish romance from friendship? When the flame dies, what's left?
Love freely,
tY
Saturday, May 2, 2009
blog break, poem time
hey
here's a poem I wrote that I'm reciting for Young Women's Day at my church tomorrow. I went all hoorah womanhood on this one, but it's a piece I enjoy. Hope you like it :) Or don't like it. Or at least form some sort of opinion about it.
Act Like you Know (I am a Woman)
Tyece Wilkins May 3, 2009
I am a woman.
But if I speak my mind, they say I’m too bold
And if I don’t respond to your cat calls when I walk by
They say I’m too cold
But I just say I am a woman
Respect me to the utmost
See me for my mind and my heart if you are trying to get close
I am more than what you can see
And you would know that if you took the time to get to know me
You’re one liners and “baby, come here” are all just a fallacy
while working hard to obtain my heart is the fierce reality
why?
Because I am a woman.
Mind, body, and soul
A woman who has taken charge of her destiny
A woman who recognizes the one above who is in control
A woman who has worked tirelessly in a world that sometimes doesn’t believe in my worth
A woman who sees self-love and self-respect are a dearth
I am a woman
But if I state my opinion, you want to call me outside of my name
you want to jump to conclusions and make false claims
maybe you should check yourself and where you stand
because last time I checked, I am 100% sure of who I am
and if that intimidates you, I wouldn’t be surprised
but if I sat back and let you walk all over me, my life would just be a bunch of lies
I am a woman
Fighting for respect in a society that wants to put me just one step below
Fighting for compassion in a world that sees my struggles and still will never know
Learning about my world and finding where I fit
Realizing when to stand up for myself and knowing when it’s okay to submit
Proud of where I come from
Where I am
And where I want to go
Doing my best to make sure my inner light is always aglow
Learn, pursue, and constantly grow
Because I am a woman
And it’s about time that you act like you know
here's a poem I wrote that I'm reciting for Young Women's Day at my church tomorrow. I went all hoorah womanhood on this one, but it's a piece I enjoy. Hope you like it :) Or don't like it. Or at least form some sort of opinion about it.
Act Like you Know (I am a Woman)
Tyece Wilkins May 3, 2009
I am a woman.
But if I speak my mind, they say I’m too bold
And if I don’t respond to your cat calls when I walk by
They say I’m too cold
But I just say I am a woman
Respect me to the utmost
See me for my mind and my heart if you are trying to get close
I am more than what you can see
And you would know that if you took the time to get to know me
You’re one liners and “baby, come here” are all just a fallacy
while working hard to obtain my heart is the fierce reality
why?
Because I am a woman.
Mind, body, and soul
A woman who has taken charge of her destiny
A woman who recognizes the one above who is in control
A woman who has worked tirelessly in a world that sometimes doesn’t believe in my worth
A woman who sees self-love and self-respect are a dearth
I am a woman
But if I state my opinion, you want to call me outside of my name
you want to jump to conclusions and make false claims
maybe you should check yourself and where you stand
because last time I checked, I am 100% sure of who I am
and if that intimidates you, I wouldn’t be surprised
but if I sat back and let you walk all over me, my life would just be a bunch of lies
I am a woman
Fighting for respect in a society that wants to put me just one step below
Fighting for compassion in a world that sees my struggles and still will never know
Learning about my world and finding where I fit
Realizing when to stand up for myself and knowing when it’s okay to submit
Proud of where I come from
Where I am
And where I want to go
Doing my best to make sure my inner light is always aglow
Learn, pursue, and constantly grow
Because I am a woman
And it’s about time that you act like you know
New blog!
Hey everyone. First off, thanks so much for following free love and giving me your feedback. It is MUCH appreciated. If you have a google account, I encourage you to become a follower! (link is on the side) And if you don't have a google account, create one, silly.
Free love is and always will be my first passion but I also started a new blog this morning called Project Reality. Basically, this one is a lot more general and is more about day to day issues surrounding life, whether they are trivial or not.
http://projectreality2009.blogspot.com
Follow it and enjoy!
Thanks so much for the love.
love freely,
tY
Free love is and always will be my first passion but I also started a new blog this morning called Project Reality. Basically, this one is a lot more general and is more about day to day issues surrounding life, whether they are trivial or not.
http://projectreality2009.blogspot.com
Follow it and enjoy!
Thanks so much for the love.
love freely,
tY
Water works
I've had an interesting week in terms of giving relationship advice.
Contrary to what you may think because of this blog, I do not consider myself a relationship guru by any means. I also don't know how effective my advice is.
Nonetheless, this week, I found myself in two situations where I was giving solicited advice to male friends. And, both of their situations involved a girl. Crying.
Ohhh, dear.
Most guys have a tendency to melt when they see a girl crying, whether it's someone they really care about or a stranger. While this is a somewhat redeeming quality, it can also be really damaging and blinding.
I once had an ex tell me he wasn't going to make a decision about us getting back together just because I was crying. And, I thought (and said) you're doing me a disservice if you get back with me out of pity. It's vile for girls to cry just to manipulate someone so they can get their way. Because, for those of us who cry when we are genuinely angry or upset or hurt, we've lost all credibility.
I'm not saying the girls in the situations I gave advice about we're manipulative. I don't know them. But, I do know the guys. And, well, they're not softies.
I can understand why crying isn't easy to deal with and why it's heartbreaking. And, it's reasonable to sympathize to a certain extent. Being compassionate is admirable. Being passive is reprehensible. At some point, you have to take a step back and realize something that's plain and simple: girls cry. People cry. Hearts split, they shatter, they break. Feelings get hurt. And, maybe it's the realist in me talking, but after you've felt terrible because you're girl cried, get to the root of the problem and fix it. And trust me, the root of the problem is not her tears.
Love freely,
tY
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