Moving Day

Yo. Blogspot has pissed me off enough with its inability to format my entries correctly so... http://freelove2009.tumblr.com New URL. New host space. Same old blog. So, for the last time on blogspot... Love freely, tY

The Non-Negotiables

If there's anything I've learned from my own former relationship and watching other relationships get together and fall apart, it's that dating, serious i-might-wanna-marry-you dating, is tough. Recently, I've heard of relationships hitting a rough patch over the hardcore stuff. I'm talking about the stuff that we aren't so quick to think about when we're still enamored with those first butterflies. Well, here comes Free Love to throw a brick through that pretty window of the dream house you're already building with your Ken. Or, think of it as Free Love coming to help you think a little. Yeah, that's nicer. Ladies and Gentlemen, here are the non-negotiables. The dealbreakers. The things that you should ponder and discuss if you REALLY want to get serious with somone. 1) Family: Yup, I put this one first because, believe it or not, I've experienced the disagreements over this firsthand and have witnessed the demise of a relationship because of it. I guess family also means, well, do you both want a family? If he wants 4 kids and you want 0 (story of my life), that is a problem and someone's gonna have to compromise. But, really, family means...how much does your person's family mean to them? Do they care if your family is a cast of characters from the circus or are they willing to accept anything? Can you guys hang out with each other's families without one person feeling like all they wanna do is crawl under a rock? 2) Money: Let's face it...no one likes talking about money. It's a sensitive subject whether you have a lot or a little. But, you have to talk money with a significant other. And, I don't just mean "How much are you willing to spend on a vacation?" I mean, "How much debt are you in?" Because, if you want him to put a ring on it, then you're asking him to put a ring on your debt, too. What's yours is mine and what's mine is yours...right? 3) Religion: Oh, now I'm really killing your dreams. Religion, like money, is a touchy subject so I'll use myself as an example. I grew up going to church and although I don't adhere to everything I learned there (understatement of the year), I do believe in a higher power. And while I am all about accepting the atheists, agnostics, all that...I wouldn't marry someone who wouldn't go to church with me every once in a blue moon and understand/respect what was going on (that comment is deliberately open-ended.) In the end, are you willing to convert? Do you care about this stuff at all? Gotta know where you stand, kid. 4) Relocation: Pretty simple--would you move for love and how far? I feel like this changes with age and the duration of the relationship (ie I'm not moving across the country if I've known you for 6 months. I'll just take the L on that one. But, if we've been married for 6 years, then, yes...probably...even though I'd be really stubborn and kick and scream and cry before doing so.) So, there's a million other things I could probably list here but those are the major outside influences beyond our control. My point here? No one thinks about this stuff. I will tell you right now you are a complete fool if you think marriage is just love. My second point here? You don't have to care about this stuff just yet. You're young and you should enjoy the beauty of getting naked with someone, rolling around, and never once having to consider any of the above factors. Because those things are heavy and they hit and you're just too cool for school to be dealing with that now. Love freely, tY

This Is College

Someone told me I have 35 days left until graduation. I'm sorry: what, when, where, why, and how? A few months ago, I read this entry on another blog (s/o to http://thefrenemy.tumblr.com/ read her, she rocks and is far more witty and wonderful than I could ever be) called "Dating In Your Twenties." Because I'm still rocking the 21 year old glow, I could never write something like this and can instead only be inspired and taught by it. But, I realize, with 35 days left till graduation, I can write "Dating in College." So here is my completely skewed, completely biased take on the subject. It's long so for those of you who can't read anything longer than a Tweet, avoid. (Note: I stole the first line from the entry from thefrenemy. It was fitting and I don't care if you think I'm a plagiarist.) The first thing to do is let go. Let go of the high school love whom you spent countless nights making out with on the sticky leather sofa in the basement. The high school love is called "high school" and not "forever" love for a reason and although the high school love has gifted you with fine and fond memories of doing inappropriate things in inappropriate places such as movie theaters and libraries, it's time to move on. This is college and everyone secretly laughs at that person who says "she's still in high school" when asked "Where does your girlfriend go to school?" Dating your freshman year is a mistake, one you will only realize in retrospect. You will only understand it was a mistake when you see that freshman year is the only year that it is mildly acceptable to screw anything on the face of the campus, albeit you don't wind up with a disease because no one likes a dirty girl. Freshman forgiveness does not only apply to your first 24 credits; it also applies to any and every thing you do because you can chalk it up to being a bright-eyed and dumbass freshman and we'll excuse it. On the contrary, not doing anything with anyone your freshman year is stupid. Yes, your reputation is important, but, again, in retrospect you'll realize that even in the years you spent building it, no one really cares unless/until it crumbles. Screw something. Get drunk and tell someone they have beautiful eyes and you like long walks on the beach and, in 10 years, you guys will have gorgeous kids together. Go out the next night and say the same things to someone else. I'd like to say dating in a college is a mistake, but that would be slightly blasphemous considering I've seen a few relationships stand the test of keg stands, all-nighters, and time. So, I won't say dating is a mistake. I will instead say TREAD WITH EXTREME CAUTION AND YES I AM YELLING ABOUT THIS. I know more people leaving college single after having had something serious here than I know of people leaving with something serious. But, if it's love, if it's can't live without, if it's everything you hoped for and more, then, psha, do it. Go for it. Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, all that stuff. Give it everything you have while still trying to balance 15 credits, jobs/internships, your sorority...and let me know how things panned out for you. Dating in college is like dating long distance...don't do it unless you feel in your heart of hearts, the sober, thinking clearly, heart of hearts, that this could actually work in the long run. You don't have to say it out loud. You just have to know it. Otherwise, you'll waste these four years giving someone else a self of yours that you don't even quite know yet. And, in the event that you do date, don't let arguments last more than one hour. Know when to say sex is more important and when to say your grade in English is more important. Know your boundaries. And, if you're single, live it up. Kiss random people, do random stuff, soak up the fact that these are four years where almost anything goes and soon, the corporate world will not appreciate or reward your skanky tactics. But, stop crying when there aren't any prospects in sight and you haven't gotten laid in 2 months. Read a book...please. Start a blog. Go skydiving, I don't give an eff, just do something for you. Just for you. Because the guys in college aren't going to fulfill that emotional void that you have; the best they will do is add a layer to a filling you've already created. Don't look for love; it'll find you. Don't try to find yourself; have fun being lost. Don't obsess over your weight; no one sees that you just gained 5 pounds. Don't care so much about boys; build yourself up for the men who will come your way in life. Don't read horoscopes or blogs, even this one, hoping to find all of the answers; the people who produce that stuff (self included) are just as screwed up as anyone else. Don't wear that little black dress because you wanna get a man; wear that little black dress because your legs go on for days and you look amazing in it. Don't look for a relationship at a bar or club; soon enough, you're going to miss that time you spent just dancing with your girlfriends. Don't date someone because they look good on paper; sometimes, those are the people who turn out to be the biggest asses. Don't do anything you don't want to do and do everything you want to do; this is college and after these 4 years, you're never getting it back. Love freely, tY

Overheard in CP

I'm one of the lucky ones. My freshman and sophomore years of college, I only experienced the pain of being sexiled (note: verb--being asked and/or forced to leave one's room because one's roommate is engaging in sexual intercourse) once. It was on Valentine's Day and I sulked in my best friend's room for hours, bemoaning my singleness.

I say I'm one of the lucky ones because despite my one instance of being sexiled, I never had to endure the awkward moment of overhearing my roommate (or just a person) have sex.

But, as they say, all good things must come to an end.

During my junior year of college while visiting my then boyfriend, it happened. Ridiculous and arguably fake shouts escaped from HIS roommate's room and I nudged him to do something to drown out the noise.

Now, as a seasoned senior, the experience of overhearing sex doesn't give me the heebie jeebies the way it once did. Even so, I'd like to highlight some of the thoughts that go through someone's mind when they hear someone else's sexual relations and perhaps provide you with some solutions. Perhaps.

• "Did I just hear what I think I heard? (turn off all sound and listen) Yup. That's it."
• "Ewwwww....gross......"
• "I probably shouldn't admit this but I'm kinda sorta turned on? I know, I know, it's my roommate. That's gross."
• "Damn, I wish I was getting laid right now instead of writing this paper."
• "Why is the guy so loud? That's effeminate."
• "Yup, I've heard that sound before. I've....made that sound before?"

The solutions:

• Blast a fan or the A/C (learned this from my first experience with the ex's roommate's gf)
• (if sleeping) Cover head with a pillow. Try not to suffocate.
• Blast Pandora. No, no, no...I mean BLAST. Loud enough so those mammals know that you know.
• Join in? Nah, this could lead to issues.
• If unperturbed, slip a condom under the door for them. Safe sex is great sex.
• Invite your hook up over and make it a contest.

In the end, it's nothing you haven't heard in a select film genre that I'm sure you watch. It's just real people and I say, thank God someone is getting some. On the other end, it's going to happen but don't be that person who is screaming from the mountaintop every night. Some people do have papers to write and exams to study for and lives to lead that don't involve drowning out your escapades daily.

Besides...if you're too loud, we just know you're faking.

Love freely,

tY

Play By The Rules

If you're anything like me, you tune into regularly syndicated episodes of "Girlfriends" and secretly compare you and your group of 4 friends to the women on the show. And, if you're not anything like me, then you just completely missed this reference and may be lost for the next few minutes or so but bear with me...you'll understand eventually. On the show, Tracee Ellis Ross' character Joan is well-known for her three month rule: she doesn't sleep with a man until at least three months of dating. I'm not here to condone or condemn this rule. Instead, I'm just here to talk about rules. Dictionary.com, the only reliable dictionary in today's society...obviously, defines a rule as "a principle or regulation governing conduct, action, procedure, arrangement, etc." Rules have been reigning our lives since we were little. "Be in bed by 9pm," "Eat all of your spinach," "Don't run alongside the pool." Sometimes rules have major consequences (running alongside the pool could mean busting your ass) while other rules have minor consequences or no consequences at all (I stopped going to bed at 9pm when I was little once I discovered "The Real World Hawaii" came on at 10pm.) As we get older, we play by our own rules. But, the important thing is that we have them. Ok, time for me to get to the dating/love/reason why you read this blog portion of my point. It's my personal belief that it helps to channel your inner Joan Clayton (character from Girlfriends I just talked about for my ADD friends who are already lost) and set some rules of your own in the world of dating. Even if it's just one rule. For instance, I have a no sleepover rule with hookups. (see post from October 29, 2009 entitled "REM.") I'm a weirdo who firmly believes sleeping with someone, literally just sharing a bed with them and sleeping for a full night, is super intimate. So, I don't care if it's 4am and I'm yawning all over the place...I'll gather my things and walk back to my place. But, that's just me. I'm not suggesting you have a "three month rule" or a "no sleepover rule"...I'm simply suggesting you have a rule. Why? Because in the unpredictable, psychotic, and easily hurtful world of dating and relationships, it helps to have something that you stand by, even if it is as simple as "I won't tell you my middle name until Date 3." You know that cheesy saying, If you stand for nothing, you'll fall for anything? I think that kind of applies here. If you have absolutely nothing that keeps you grounded in the dating universe, you'll probably fall for anything and anybody. Love freely, tY

The Social Sexwork

I know you thought I was going to come back from Miami with stories of how I had eye sex with an Italian in a club and how I became smitten over beautiful black men from London who were visiting the United States for one week. And, while all of the above are true (more on Miami in another post sometime soon), I also spent a tiny portion of my spring break watching, for the second time, what I will now deem one of my favorite movies...The Social Network.

With thoughts of Jesse Eisenberg's witty and incisive vernacular still floating through my mind, I stumbled across this article on a friend's Facebook status:

"UChicago Hookup Expands: Casual Sex Site Now Welcoming Other Schools"

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/03/28/college-hookups-website-e_n_841474.html

For those of you who are like me and are too lazy to read links unless you're super interested, here's the gist: University of Chicago has a website where people can set up casual hookups with others. They describe it as being similar to the "casual encounters" (pronounced "you're a 50 year old creeper looking to prey on young girls") portion of Craigslist.

Let me just add an aside here for my fellow Terps. We don't have a casual hookup website because we have a casual hookup Cornerstone instead. Am I taking a jab at Chicago, Columbia, and whoever else is joining this website? Yeah, you can bet your five-pounds-heavier-from-all-of-the-alcohol-on-spring-break ass that I am. Because for those of us who are classy enough to at least drunk text someone before trying to get in their pants, this is just putting all of our hard work to shame.

If you read Free Love, you already know my take on the demise of human communication and how pathetic it is. No need to comment further. I'm just wondering if this site will be like Facebook...starts off with all of the prestigious schools (the site expands to Brown on April 4) and then trickles down to us plebians at public institutions. My God, I hope this isn't the case. We have to show those ivy-league recluses that we at least know how to do something right.

There's no life message today. Sorry if you were looking for me to enlighten you. I, too, just came off of a spring break complete with sun, alcohol, and dropping to the floor every night when Juvenile came on. My brain isn't quite back and I am not sorry for that. But, I guess if there is going to be a point it's that this website is pathetic, anyone who uses it is pathetic, and I hope it never makes its way to my home for 6 more weeks, UMD.

But, you DO have to have a .edu email address to use the site. Classy, Chicago. Classy.

Love freely,

tY

Let the debauchery begin.

Free Love wishes you and yours a fabulous spring break. Please refer to the entry "Spring Break 2011 According to Free Love" for my words of wisdom as you embark upon a week of lost consciousness, poor decisions, and sun. I commend you and respect you for it.

Please return with some entertaining stories to fuel content on this blog.

I'll be on hiatus for a few days but I'll return in a few days...hopefully with some stories of my own.

Love freely,
tY