American advisor Anthony Robbins says: "“Why do people persist in a dissatisfying relationship, unwilling either to work toward solutions or end it and move on? It's because they know changing will lead to the unknown, and most people believe that the unknown will be much more painful than what they're already experiencing.”
People fear the unknown. Welcome to human nature 101. So, often times, people continue to maintain ties with their ex that blur the lines between dating and just being friends. Not only is this a point of comfort, but it can also provide a false hope that at some point, the relationship will work again. If the relationship doesn't go through reincarnation, eventually, one person (or both people) have that moment where they realize that the last shot they gave it was just that: the last shot.
That moment of realization could qualify as being far worse than the actual break up point because heartbreak forces us to be hopeful and think "well, maybe, just maybe, things will work at, just not at this point," but this moment forces you to face reality which is typically very hard to do in a relationship. People always want to believe there are gray areas in a relationship when really, things are usually just plain black and white.
In the end, the moment of realization is a vital step in getting over the relationship and discontinuing destructive behavior. It's also a huge step in returning to life as a legitimately single person. This isn't an unbearable fate; relationships are about the the twists and turns, not necessarily about finding a happy ending all the time.
Clean breaks in any relationship are rare. Even if they exist immediately after the relationship ends, it's tempting to go back to that old flame simply because of comfort. But, perhaps, the moment when you realize that things are over for good is the best and most empowering moment of all.
Love freely,
tY
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Super glue
Google "clingy girlfriend" and you will get approximately 132,000 search results. I'm not making this up. It's a problem.
ehow.com (the website that tells you "how to do just about everything") has steps for dealing with a clingy girlfriend.
Can she be dealt with or do you just have to be done with her?
Clingy comes in many forms but for the sake of brevity, I'm going to reduce it to two forms: public clingy and private clingy. A friend and I were once discussing this and we decided that private clingy is a lot worse. But, before I qualify either, let me explain them.
Public clingy is that girl who makes sure her steps are synchronized with her boyfriend. Their hands and eyes are locked. She follows him around at the party. I'm not sure if excessive PDA qualifies as public clingy because PDA is another category in itself (that I will delve into at a later post.) Nonetheless, these are a few of the characteristics.
Private clingy is the girl who sleeps in her boyfriend's room every night, even when he is not there. Private clingy is the girl who believes her boyfriend's lap is her permanent seat, even when he's surfing the Internet or even worse, watching a football game (again, women interfering with sports is another post entirely but for the sake of argument, I had to throw it in there.) Private clingy is the girl who thinks her boyfriend is about to dump her if he diverts his eyes for a nanosecond while they are hanging out.
Although both forms of "clingy" don't sound very appealing, private clingy is a true sign of insecurity. A girl who is clingy in public is usually just trying to show off for her audience and declare to the world that this is her man. Obnoxious, but it's not the end of the world. Someone who is pleading for attention, even when it's just in the presence of their partner, is insecure about their place in their partner's life. They are not putting on a show for the world; they are putting on a show for their partner-the person whom they should trust and know sees them for who they are.
My first instinct would be to write one of these girls off. But, if you care about the person enough, it's important to help them work through their flaws so that they do not make the same mistakes in their next relationship. But, don't baby her. If at some point, she can't trust how you feel, it's time for her to go.
It's natural to want to be around that special person all the time. We've all been there. But, we need to know where to draw the line between giddy and clingy.
Love freely,
tY
ehow.com (the website that tells you "how to do just about everything") has steps for dealing with a clingy girlfriend.
Can she be dealt with or do you just have to be done with her?
Clingy comes in many forms but for the sake of brevity, I'm going to reduce it to two forms: public clingy and private clingy. A friend and I were once discussing this and we decided that private clingy is a lot worse. But, before I qualify either, let me explain them.
Public clingy is that girl who makes sure her steps are synchronized with her boyfriend. Their hands and eyes are locked. She follows him around at the party. I'm not sure if excessive PDA qualifies as public clingy because PDA is another category in itself (that I will delve into at a later post.) Nonetheless, these are a few of the characteristics.
Private clingy is the girl who sleeps in her boyfriend's room every night, even when he is not there. Private clingy is the girl who believes her boyfriend's lap is her permanent seat, even when he's surfing the Internet or even worse, watching a football game (again, women interfering with sports is another post entirely but for the sake of argument, I had to throw it in there.) Private clingy is the girl who thinks her boyfriend is about to dump her if he diverts his eyes for a nanosecond while they are hanging out.
Although both forms of "clingy" don't sound very appealing, private clingy is a true sign of insecurity. A girl who is clingy in public is usually just trying to show off for her audience and declare to the world that this is her man. Obnoxious, but it's not the end of the world. Someone who is pleading for attention, even when it's just in the presence of their partner, is insecure about their place in their partner's life. They are not putting on a show for the world; they are putting on a show for their partner-the person whom they should trust and know sees them for who they are.
My first instinct would be to write one of these girls off. But, if you care about the person enough, it's important to help them work through their flaws so that they do not make the same mistakes in their next relationship. But, don't baby her. If at some point, she can't trust how you feel, it's time for her to go.
It's natural to want to be around that special person all the time. We've all been there. But, we need to know where to draw the line between giddy and clingy.
Love freely,
tY
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
The million dollar question
There are a plethora of questions when it comes to the opposite sex and relationships. So, maybe this isn't necessarily the million dollar one, but it's a good one, nonetheless.
Everyone has seen a girl who is in a relationship before and asked themselves:
"HOW does SHE have a boyfriend and I don't?"
No need to pretend that you've never succumbed to such levels of shallowness. You have. It's OK. We all have.
I'm not talking about looks because I'm a firm believer that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. No, looks are not a part of this conversation. Rather, I'm talking about those girls who are ultra clingy, or too talkative, or downright crazy. Girls who have blinding personality vices that you think would make men run for their lives and never turn back. Yet, somehow, they manage to snag a man and KEEP him, a near impossibility nowadays. Meanwhile, you're sitting back with your level-headed personality and a pint of ice cream, perplexed and single.
This question has puzzled me for years. Every time I see a girl yelling at her boyfriend in public or acting as if she is attached to him at the hip by super glue, I wonder, "Why? Why is that poor man putting himself through that when he could move on to something a lot more sane?"
The answer? There is none. People like what they like. And, most times, people can see beyond public outbursts or occasional co-dependency if the person's virtues outweigh their vices.
Also, let's face it. We are all a little bit crazy. Chances are you will yell in public at your spouse at some point during the course of your marriage. We like to see ourselves as relaxed, carefree individuals but we all have our vices. And, just like those girls who manage to snag boyfriends despite our perplexed stares, we all hope to find someone who sees beyond our flaws and appreciates us for who we are.
Love freely,
tY
Everyone has seen a girl who is in a relationship before and asked themselves:
"HOW does SHE have a boyfriend and I don't?"
No need to pretend that you've never succumbed to such levels of shallowness. You have. It's OK. We all have.
I'm not talking about looks because I'm a firm believer that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. No, looks are not a part of this conversation. Rather, I'm talking about those girls who are ultra clingy, or too talkative, or downright crazy. Girls who have blinding personality vices that you think would make men run for their lives and never turn back. Yet, somehow, they manage to snag a man and KEEP him, a near impossibility nowadays. Meanwhile, you're sitting back with your level-headed personality and a pint of ice cream, perplexed and single.
This question has puzzled me for years. Every time I see a girl yelling at her boyfriend in public or acting as if she is attached to him at the hip by super glue, I wonder, "Why? Why is that poor man putting himself through that when he could move on to something a lot more sane?"
The answer? There is none. People like what they like. And, most times, people can see beyond public outbursts or occasional co-dependency if the person's virtues outweigh their vices.
Also, let's face it. We are all a little bit crazy. Chances are you will yell in public at your spouse at some point during the course of your marriage. We like to see ourselves as relaxed, carefree individuals but we all have our vices. And, just like those girls who manage to snag boyfriends despite our perplexed stares, we all hope to find someone who sees beyond our flaws and appreciates us for who we are.
Love freely,
tY
Monday, February 23, 2009
Review: He's Just Not That Into You
Although the movie debuted nearly 2 weeks ago, I only started this blog a few days ago so here's my review.
First off, if you haven't seen it, GO see it. Like now. I will do my best not to ruin the story.
"He's Just Not That Into You" tells the story of several different people and their ups and downs in the world of dating and marriage. The stories are interwoven in a realistic way that's easy to follow.
I loved this movie because everyone can identify with at least one of the characters. Although I heard many people complain that the single and not-so-subtly desperate main character Gigi (Ginnifer Goodwin) was ridiculous and exaggerated, every woman can identify with her dilemma at some point. EVERY woman has tried too hard or over analyzed a situation or sat waiting for their phone to ring. Gigi had to be exaggerated in order for the story to work. If she sat waiting for her phone to ring once and then decided she was over it, the movie wouldn't have had a plot.
The message behind the movie is explicit based on the title. So many times, women (and men) try to rationalize why a situation isn't working: he can't handle me, he's not ready to get over his past relationships, we're waiting for when the time is right, we're not going to put a title on this, and the list goes on and on. Perhaps if we stopped to think without thinking TOO much, we'd realize that sometimes a relationship isn't meant to be because he (or she) is just not that into you. When a person is into you, they will do whatever they have to do to make things work. They will sacrifice and overlook any sort of obstacles to be with you.
In an era where movies are giving way too many fairy tale endings,
"He's Just Not That Into You" is real. You'll leave the theatre looking at your own love life in a genuine and raw way. You might think about that person who's been in and out of your life and you won't think "oh he'll come around eventually and save the day" the way you would think leaving one of those hopeful romantic dramas. Instead, you might decide to face the facts and realize that he's just not that into you.
Love freely,
tY
First off, if you haven't seen it, GO see it. Like now. I will do my best not to ruin the story.
"He's Just Not That Into You" tells the story of several different people and their ups and downs in the world of dating and marriage. The stories are interwoven in a realistic way that's easy to follow.
I loved this movie because everyone can identify with at least one of the characters. Although I heard many people complain that the single and not-so-subtly desperate main character Gigi (Ginnifer Goodwin) was ridiculous and exaggerated, every woman can identify with her dilemma at some point. EVERY woman has tried too hard or over analyzed a situation or sat waiting for their phone to ring. Gigi had to be exaggerated in order for the story to work. If she sat waiting for her phone to ring once and then decided she was over it, the movie wouldn't have had a plot.
The message behind the movie is explicit based on the title. So many times, women (and men) try to rationalize why a situation isn't working: he can't handle me, he's not ready to get over his past relationships, we're waiting for when the time is right, we're not going to put a title on this, and the list goes on and on. Perhaps if we stopped to think without thinking TOO much, we'd realize that sometimes a relationship isn't meant to be because he (or she) is just not that into you. When a person is into you, they will do whatever they have to do to make things work. They will sacrifice and overlook any sort of obstacles to be with you.
In an era where movies are giving way too many fairy tale endings,
"He's Just Not That Into You" is real. You'll leave the theatre looking at your own love life in a genuine and raw way. You might think about that person who's been in and out of your life and you won't think "oh he'll come around eventually and save the day" the way you would think leaving one of those hopeful romantic dramas. Instead, you might decide to face the facts and realize that he's just not that into you.
Love freely,
tY
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Friends? With benefits
http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/personal/10/09/tf.friends.with.benefits/index.html
CNN published an article in October of 2008 titled, "The proper way to be friends with benefits." CNN. one of the most credible news sources in the United States. Apparently this issue is newsworthy.
My only question: IS there a "proper" way to be friends with benefits?
Everyone's done it whether knowingly or unknowingly. Whether it was with an ex, a stranger you met at the club, one of your really good friends or anyone else, EVERYONE has routinely hooked up with someone whom they are not exclusively dating. And, if you haven't, just live a little longer.
In a society where people are working, texting, studying, spending hours behind a laptop, and CONSTANTLY moving, friends with benefits is an easy way for our desires to keep pace with our fast paced lifestyle. We all have libidos but we don't have the time to invest in committment or relationships or the mess that comes along with emotions. So, the simple solution is to engage in a "no strings attached" relationship.
The name of friends with benefits is misleading because most of the time, an actual friendship doesn't exist. There's an understanding that things are purely physical, nothing more, nothing less.
But, perhaps if you find yourself in a friends with benefits situations where you are ACTUALLY friends with the person, it's even worse. Because someone is bound to committ the carnal sin in a friends with benefits situation and...uh oh here's the punchline...develop feelings for the other person. And, then, not only do you lose a comfortable hook-up buddy, but you also lose a friend which is ten times worse.
It's virtually impossible to be intimate with someone on a continuous basis without developing feelings. If you're not part of that group, congratulations. You've been able to outsmart the system.
Do commitment and exclusivity no longer go hand in hand? Are we so busy or just too lazy that we can devote ourselves physically but not offer the other facets of our personality that are just as important?
Love freely,
tY
CNN published an article in October of 2008 titled, "The proper way to be friends with benefits." CNN. one of the most credible news sources in the United States. Apparently this issue is newsworthy.
My only question: IS there a "proper" way to be friends with benefits?
Everyone's done it whether knowingly or unknowingly. Whether it was with an ex, a stranger you met at the club, one of your really good friends or anyone else, EVERYONE has routinely hooked up with someone whom they are not exclusively dating. And, if you haven't, just live a little longer.
In a society where people are working, texting, studying, spending hours behind a laptop, and CONSTANTLY moving, friends with benefits is an easy way for our desires to keep pace with our fast paced lifestyle. We all have libidos but we don't have the time to invest in committment or relationships or the mess that comes along with emotions. So, the simple solution is to engage in a "no strings attached" relationship.
The name of friends with benefits is misleading because most of the time, an actual friendship doesn't exist. There's an understanding that things are purely physical, nothing more, nothing less.
But, perhaps if you find yourself in a friends with benefits situations where you are ACTUALLY friends with the person, it's even worse. Because someone is bound to committ the carnal sin in a friends with benefits situation and...uh oh here's the punchline...develop feelings for the other person. And, then, not only do you lose a comfortable hook-up buddy, but you also lose a friend which is ten times worse.
It's virtually impossible to be intimate with someone on a continuous basis without developing feelings. If you're not part of that group, congratulations. You've been able to outsmart the system.
Do commitment and exclusivity no longer go hand in hand? Are we so busy or just too lazy that we can devote ourselves physically but not offer the other facets of our personality that are just as important?
Love freely,
tY
Intro...
Intro...
I'm Tyece...a sophomore at UMD. 19 years old. I have about as much life experience as you would expect any 19 year old to have...not much but enough to get me through and teach me a lot.
I've decided to blog as just another thing to do. I realized the other day that I make A LOT of observations about people and relationships so I thought, why not just devote a blog to writing about my perceptions? Yes, I do keep a journal for that (it's my lifeline) but relationships are fun to write about publicly because people have a lot of the same opinions. Male, female, gay, straight, whatever, everyone can relate to unrequited love or that giddy feeling you have when you have a crush or the ache of a broken heart. Nothing makes my opinions superior to anyone else's. At the end of the day, they're just my thoughts. Take them, leave them, agree, disagree, or agree to disagree. I just hope to give everyone some food for thought and learn something myself along the way.
Free love is just kind of a catchy phrase I heard so I ran with it.
My goal is that no matter what my current relationship status is, I will be able to look at both sides to any love story.
Love freely,
tY
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