Disclaimer: I am currently reading Kelly Cutrone's "If You Have to Cry Go Outside" and I just finished a chapter about motherhood and marriage.
Nonetheless, some of Cutrone's ideas about these things got me to thinking about my ideas about these things which got me to blogging...naturally. In my last post, I made a quick comment about our obsession to find "the one" and how is it even possible to think about finding the one until we find ourselves.
Why is it that we're so programmed to fit society's expectations of love?
Now, I'm not talking about whom we choose to love because that, too, is a different post entirely...if not an entire dissertation. But, I'm talking about expectations when it comes to "first comes love, then comes marriage..." Especially for women, we're taught to believe that life is about starting a career, falling in love and settling down, getting married, having children, and living happily ever after...in that particular order. God forbid you have a child before you get married or get married at 50 and never have children or choose not to have children and/or get married. God forbid you do something...your way?
I think I was destined not to conform to these standards because throughout my life, I've been exposed to women who don't meet the criteria yet have perfectly happy and wonderful lives. My oldest sister is an amazing mother who's unmarried and unperturbed by this fact. My wonderful hairdresser who recently passed away didn't have children and wasn't married but owned a successful business and left an incredible legacy. My boss and, now after 2 years of working for her, mentor is married without children and vacations with her husband at least three times a year (ahh...the life I aspire to have.) You get the point.
I think it's our responsibility as women to challenge society's notions of what is right for our lives and, specifically, our love lives. Why do you keep telling yourself you have to be married by age 30? (I'm actually from the school of thought that you shouldn't marry until at least 30 so you have your shit together but that's just me.) What's going to happen if you aren't married by age 28 or don't have 2.5 children by age 30? Nothing. That's what's going to happen. Absolutely effing nothing. These arbitrary timelines and deadlines we give ourselves are an unnecessary mental burden. It's pathetic that our society frowns upon women who are older than 28 and are unmarried as if they're some sort of plague instead of something to be proud of. Meanwhile, there are people who are 25-30 who are married and would rather jump off a rootop than sit and have dinner with their spouse or talk to their kid so YOU tell ME how happy is happily ever after.
If I were to add to my collection of two tattoos, I would contemplate getting this expression (In English of course because that's the language I speak and I hate when people get tats in languages that they don't speak and then act like it's so cool when you don't even REALLY know what that shit says...but, per usual, I digress...): "This is YOUR life." Because, really, it's just that. The world is going to keep spinning whether you end up with one husband or 10 or o. And, if the world is going to keep spinning, there's no reason why yours should stop in the event that things don't go in that carved out order, or better yet, if some of the things don't happen at all.
In the words of Reggie Bush to Kim Kardashian when she started dating Miles Austin: Do you.
Love freely,
tY
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
LDR...worth it?
I used to think I was the only one. Then I started hearing about people dating other people who lived anywhere from Europe to Australia to California. Maybe I wasn't the only one who had experienced the misery and happiness associated with a LDR.
Now, if you know me, you know I am no longer in an LDR so if this post sounds a bit angsty or independent womanish...well, that's because it is.
Top Reasons why LDRs are both great and a pain in the ass:
1) Most couples who see each other on a routine basis end up getting easily annoyed with one another and, as a result, find stupid and insignificant things to argue over. LDRers (yeah, I'm not sure how to name these couples so we'll just call them that) don't really give two effs if you constantly change the channel or didn't put the toilet seat down. They're too busy gazing into each other's eyes and making up for the sappiness they didn't have a for a month...or 6.
2) Everytime you say goodbye, it will suck. It will suck more than the time before. Never goes away.
3) When LDRers are together, they are together. Every minute is about that other person whom they love yet never see and everything else comes second at best. This is really beautiful when you think about it and is a level that many couples should aspire to sometimes but it's also not always realistic (sorry for raining on the parade.) Sometimes, you don't have entire weekends or weeks to spare being curled up in bed, naked, eating Chinese when you have a paper due or a job to go to or um a life.
4) Yes, you will get your period the one weekend your boyfriend comes to visit and be deprived of the sex you've been missing for months. Yes, karma is a bitch and Aunt Flo is her sister.
5) It's not always easy to squeeze a relationship into one weekend. Most couples have the pleasure of balancing going out, arguing, having sex, having great conversations. being together while doing other things such as hw, etc. LDRers...not so much.
6) Everytime you reunite with the person after a long absence, regardless of whether you just argued via text ten minutes before or have a cramp in your neck from sleeping on a crowded bus for 4 hours, it is pure magic. It's butterflies and roses and all of that girly stuff that I never really care about. It is an unmatched feeling that makes the lonely and sleepless nights, long phone calls and 5 hour Skype sessions suddenly feel worth it.
So...my advice? Well, a few things. One, an LDR should be the default, not the standard. This means, don't start a relationship long distance. The only way LDRs have a chance of surviving is if two people have established a bond while being together...geographically. Trying to generate a relationship out of thin air when he's in London and you're in Kansas is just plain dumb. But, if at some point life takes you and your beau in separate directions, then, yes, try an LDR. Another word of advice...stop playing up the fate card so much. "He's 3,000 miles away but I know we're meant to be together!" Then it doesn't work out and you pull the "We weren't meant to be together." Ugh, effing fate, man. Life is going to do what life wants to do and chances are when you're 25 or 35 or 45 or 55, someone else will come along and that will be "meant to be" and you'll be perfectly fine. Sometimes I wonder why people my age are super obsessed with finding "the one" when I'm like, um have you even found yourself yet? But, that is a different post entirely. And, my last piece of advice is to only take the beating of an LDR if in some place in that brain of yours, whether you admit it or not, you think you could be with the person forever. It sounds silly at first but relationships are time consuming and money consuming and heart consuming and everything consuming. Yes, money is valuable and you will definitely spend a lot of it just traveling if you're in an LDR. (When I think of all of the money I spent on those MegaBus trips...ok, let me not digress.) But, time is even more valuable and if you spend it in between bouts of misery when the person is gone and happiness when the person is there, it damn sure better be worth it. It better mean that all of those lonely nights will be compensated by a million nights together at some point in life. If there's even a doubt in your mind about that...it's not worth it.
And, really, isn't that advice to ANYONE in a relationship? Your time is just that...YOUR time. Don't let anyone waste it.
Love freely,
tY
Now, if you know me, you know I am no longer in an LDR so if this post sounds a bit angsty or independent womanish...well, that's because it is.
Top Reasons why LDRs are both great and a pain in the ass:
1) Most couples who see each other on a routine basis end up getting easily annoyed with one another and, as a result, find stupid and insignificant things to argue over. LDRers (yeah, I'm not sure how to name these couples so we'll just call them that) don't really give two effs if you constantly change the channel or didn't put the toilet seat down. They're too busy gazing into each other's eyes and making up for the sappiness they didn't have a for a month...or 6.
2) Everytime you say goodbye, it will suck. It will suck more than the time before. Never goes away.
3) When LDRers are together, they are together. Every minute is about that other person whom they love yet never see and everything else comes second at best. This is really beautiful when you think about it and is a level that many couples should aspire to sometimes but it's also not always realistic (sorry for raining on the parade.) Sometimes, you don't have entire weekends or weeks to spare being curled up in bed, naked, eating Chinese when you have a paper due or a job to go to or um a life.
4) Yes, you will get your period the one weekend your boyfriend comes to visit and be deprived of the sex you've been missing for months. Yes, karma is a bitch and Aunt Flo is her sister.
5) It's not always easy to squeeze a relationship into one weekend. Most couples have the pleasure of balancing going out, arguing, having sex, having great conversations. being together while doing other things such as hw, etc. LDRers...not so much.
6) Everytime you reunite with the person after a long absence, regardless of whether you just argued via text ten minutes before or have a cramp in your neck from sleeping on a crowded bus for 4 hours, it is pure magic. It's butterflies and roses and all of that girly stuff that I never really care about. It is an unmatched feeling that makes the lonely and sleepless nights, long phone calls and 5 hour Skype sessions suddenly feel worth it.
So...my advice? Well, a few things. One, an LDR should be the default, not the standard. This means, don't start a relationship long distance. The only way LDRs have a chance of surviving is if two people have established a bond while being together...geographically. Trying to generate a relationship out of thin air when he's in London and you're in Kansas is just plain dumb. But, if at some point life takes you and your beau in separate directions, then, yes, try an LDR. Another word of advice...stop playing up the fate card so much. "He's 3,000 miles away but I know we're meant to be together!" Then it doesn't work out and you pull the "We weren't meant to be together." Ugh, effing fate, man. Life is going to do what life wants to do and chances are when you're 25 or 35 or 45 or 55, someone else will come along and that will be "meant to be" and you'll be perfectly fine. Sometimes I wonder why people my age are super obsessed with finding "the one" when I'm like, um have you even found yourself yet? But, that is a different post entirely. And, my last piece of advice is to only take the beating of an LDR if in some place in that brain of yours, whether you admit it or not, you think you could be with the person forever. It sounds silly at first but relationships are time consuming and money consuming and heart consuming and everything consuming. Yes, money is valuable and you will definitely spend a lot of it just traveling if you're in an LDR. (When I think of all of the money I spent on those MegaBus trips...ok, let me not digress.) But, time is even more valuable and if you spend it in between bouts of misery when the person is gone and happiness when the person is there, it damn sure better be worth it. It better mean that all of those lonely nights will be compensated by a million nights together at some point in life. If there's even a doubt in your mind about that...it's not worth it.
And, really, isn't that advice to ANYONE in a relationship? Your time is just that...YOUR time. Don't let anyone waste it.
Love freely,
tY
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
The Waiting Game
To all of my single people out there...this one's for you.
There are some unwritten rules in dating. Theories if you will. Things that both men and women believe in and try to adhere to. We aren't always successful in this regard but these little ideals help to guide our dating lives. Recently, with a few different people, I've talked about a major one of these little ideals: waiting.
We all know you're not supposed to look for someone to date because, yeah yeah when you look you'll never find. But, what about the meantime? You know...that time after your last relationship but before your next one. What the hell are you supposed to do then?
Some people believe in waiting for the right person to come along and only investing their time and energy into bettering themselves during that off season. They believe that meaningless flings only delay the process of finding something good.
Other people believe in those meaningless flings like it is their religion. They come from the "party party party let's all get wasted" school of thought and believe that life is short and shouldn't be spent not getting laid.
Both of these approaches are complete opposites and I don't think they work being mutually exclusive. I think you have to have both, quite frankly. You should work on bettering yourself, enjoying your life, and riding solo a la Jason Derulo but, hey, a little (safe) horizontal tango-ing never really hurt anyone. The most important thing is not to lie to yourself. Don't lie to yourself with the "I'm going to be single (aka celibate) until the next great person comes along," and stop bs-ing with the "I don't really like this guy, we're just hooking up." And, more importantly than not lying to yourself, don't beat yourself up if you change your mind about something or someone or do something you're not necessarily proud of or proclaim how you're "so done" and then text that person you're "so done" with and crawl into bed with them. This is life, this is dating, you are young, and there aren't any real rules (as long as you don't get pregnant or contract an icky disease.)
You'll need some stories to tell someday, anyway, when you're old, married, have children, and no longer have the freedom to engage in these shenanigans.
Love freely,
tY
There are some unwritten rules in dating. Theories if you will. Things that both men and women believe in and try to adhere to. We aren't always successful in this regard but these little ideals help to guide our dating lives. Recently, with a few different people, I've talked about a major one of these little ideals: waiting.
We all know you're not supposed to look for someone to date because, yeah yeah when you look you'll never find. But, what about the meantime? You know...that time after your last relationship but before your next one. What the hell are you supposed to do then?
Some people believe in waiting for the right person to come along and only investing their time and energy into bettering themselves during that off season. They believe that meaningless flings only delay the process of finding something good.
Other people believe in those meaningless flings like it is their religion. They come from the "party party party let's all get wasted" school of thought and believe that life is short and shouldn't be spent not getting laid.
Both of these approaches are complete opposites and I don't think they work being mutually exclusive. I think you have to have both, quite frankly. You should work on bettering yourself, enjoying your life, and riding solo a la Jason Derulo but, hey, a little (safe) horizontal tango-ing never really hurt anyone. The most important thing is not to lie to yourself. Don't lie to yourself with the "I'm going to be single (aka celibate) until the next great person comes along," and stop bs-ing with the "I don't really like this guy, we're just hooking up." And, more importantly than not lying to yourself, don't beat yourself up if you change your mind about something or someone or do something you're not necessarily proud of or proclaim how you're "so done" and then text that person you're "so done" with and crawl into bed with them. This is life, this is dating, you are young, and there aren't any real rules (as long as you don't get pregnant or contract an icky disease.)
You'll need some stories to tell someday, anyway, when you're old, married, have children, and no longer have the freedom to engage in these shenanigans.
Love freely,
tY
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